Having trouble not "pursuing"...

[CrossedFingers]

It is so damn hard waiting! Especially when you know that some other guy is sleeping in your bed... I'm almost ready to throw in the towel. It would almost be a relief to just let the bitterness and anger take over!

[Mother Magee]

DBing isn't for those seeking instant gratification. This isn't the Dr Phil show, where our problems are solved in an hour. Many of us wish it could be that way, but it just isn't going to happen that way.

Slow down.
Take a deep breath.
Remember that the marital problems leading up to your Sep didn't happen overnight, and it cannot be "cured" overnight.
What are you doing for you? What are you doing to improve the quality of your life?
You are going to wake up every day. It is up to you to decide how you are going to live each day.
In my sitch, my H chose the bitterness and anger, and according to those who see him and work with him, he is a pretty miserable human being. Lonely, angry, resentful, adrift and unable to enjoy life at any meaningful level. It must suck to be in his shoes.
I miss my H so much, I am truly sorry for the events leading to our separation, and I still love him. But his road is not my road. I don't want that anger, that stress, that misery. Whether he is in my life or not, I do have to wake up each day and spend the entire day with me.

I have learned that DBing is not easy. And sometimes it IS lonely. I am glad that I GAL. It has made the wait much easier, although I will admit that sometimes I get tired. I want the nightmare to end. But I realize that I don't get to make that choice.

What do you choose?

[CrossedFingers]

thanks 'Mother'-

I know in my head that you are right, and my actions are in line with what you say. But every once in a while...

We see each other and talk to each other via phone quite often- mostly about the kids- We each have them 1/2 the time, and we only live about 4 miles away from each other.

And I am 'working on me.' Have joined a couple "meetup.com" groups, and I'm doing my best to not just sit around moaning about the sitch. But as u well know... Not always easy.

patience, patience,patience, right?

[Mother Magee]

And more patience. The hardest part of all.

[CrossedFingers]

And more patience. The hardest part of all.

Thanks again for your advice. T'was well said!

You mentioned that your husband has taken the route of bitterness and anger- and yet it seems as if you are the one trying to make it work! I would have thought the bitterness and anger would be yours, not his!

Eric at Klaft dot com

[catfan]

Crossfingers, you sound a bit like me. Now just so you know, we've been at this since Nov 06. I have no idea where we are going now. But I was re-reading some sections in Divorce Remedy and something Michele says rang a bit more for me this time, "if you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." My point is keep your eye on the ultimate goal. Don't get sidetracked or detracted by fear which manifests itself in anger, bitterness, resentment and such. Have Faith in yourself and your ability to reach the ultimate goal. Faith is you weapon against fear.

[CrossedFingers]

Crossfingers, you sound a bit like me. Now just so you know, we've been at this since Nov 06. I have no idea where we are going now. But I was re-reading some sections in Divorce Remedy and something Michele says rang a bit more for me this time, "if you aim at nothing you'll hit it every time." My point is keep your eye on the ultimate goal. Don't get sidetracked or detracted by fear which manifests itself in anger, bitterness, resentment and such. Have Faith in yourself and your ability to reach the ultimate goal. Faith is you weapon against fear.

Catfan-

15 months worth of patience! wow... I looked over your "mixed signals" thread briefly, and it does seem as tho we have much in common sitch-wise... Wish I had advice for you! But seems like you're doing the right thing..

At this point, being somewhat new to DBing, my plan will be to go pretty much dark for 30 days, and keep my eyes open to see if it's working... here's hoping....

[catfan]

Do not underestimate how difficult it is to go dark. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done or attempted.

So be prepared.

[Mother Magee]

You're right, catfan, going dark is extremely difficult. I am currently having some issues with that. (Please read my thread and offer any insight that you can. Please!)

CF...my H and I went through a horrendous experience that lasted for over four years. It tore our lives upside down, inside and out. Our lives are radically different than when we started out nine years ago. We were not prepared for it, we experienced it simultaneously but differently, and we did not know how to handle it. We did not handle it well.

One thing that we had in common was anger. He was angry at me, and I was angry at everyone, for awhile. Through weekly counseling, I found that my real anger was directed at ME. I have dealt with that anger, and it no longer has a place in my life. I have forgiven myself for what happened. I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but I got it anyway. Now it is time to move past that and live my life the best I can.
H has gone to counseling sporadically. I don't know why he starts and stops, but I can guess. My guess is that when he is asked to think differently than he currently thinks, he quits going. Until he CAN re-frame his thinking, he will remain angry and bitter about the events that changed our lives.

[catfan]

MM, I'm really sorry about all the anger issues, I can really relate. I had become a bit of a bitter jackass over the last few years. Thing was I masked it with this cynical humor and optimism.

It's good to hear you've found the root cause of your anger. Now you can deal with it and turn it all around. Clearly he's avoiding addressing his own and probably because he fears what he'll find. Remember introspection and self examination are very difficult things to do. We fear what we'll find which is really we want to avoid facing the truth that we are not perfect, that we might be wrong, that we might be selfish.

Bottom line here is we let fear control us. Once we do we get angry, bitter, frustrated, resentful and all those other negative feelings. Sure we are human and we'll feel those emotions from time to time but when we let them control us we've started down the bad path.

Remember this, Faith is the opposite of fear. Have faith in yourself, in life, in others and in God and you'll find all this stuff is a lot easier to deal with.