Haven't posted in awhile, I apologize. Honestly, I felt like I needed to give it a break because I felt like I was obsessing too much on the situation & it was having a negative impact on my mental state. Tonight I felt like it was time to post again.
Not alot of anything new in the grand scheme of things. I put it this way to a friend the other day: "Well, I don't have divorce papers, but I'm still living in an apt by myself. I can look at my glass either half full or half empty. I choose to look at it half full."
W very much acting like she wants go get back together most of the time, but there are times she is unsure. W has been spending 1 or 2 nights a week at my apt. We have had sex a few times, but not lately. I think W felt we were moving too fast & she started feeling uncomfortable with too much intimacy. I get kisses & hugs, no ILU's, but she wears her rings on occassion & W genuinely acts like she wants to spend some time with me & chooses to do so. Pretty sure there is no OM in the picture. I think I'm in the whole dillema of how to get that 'spark/attraction' back in the relationship. We are both healing and seeing how things go for the most part. I've been trying to be patient and take it day by day.
I haven't drank a drop (over 100 days now), basically approaching that subject the same way. It doesn't matter what label I want to put on myself or what label others want to put on me at the moment. My philosophy is keep doing what is working and stop doing what doesn't. Being sober & going to AA is working for me right now. If for some reason I feel like I need to do something different, I'll reassess the situation. I have to be true to myself first.
Last couple R conversations I had with W came down to this:
1) W not comfortable with me moving back yet but stated she would like me to if we can do it 'right'. I agree that I don't want to move back unless she really feels it's time to give it a try. Plan is to maybe spend a couple nights a week there after my HD is over (Feb 8th) & see what happens from there. Me having no transportation & having to rely on her to get to work is still a big issue keeping me from dumping the apt.
2) W wants to try MC again. We will try SBC starting next week. W stated she wants to move forward but unsure of what to do right now. I feel the same. I just hope it is more productive this time around.
3) W likes what I'm doing but afraid that it will be short lived and that I'll become 'complacent'. I told her I see why she would think that based on my past but I'm not like that anymore, nor do I want to be.
IMHO, W is still living in the past & in fear of the future. I'm trying to live in the 'here & now'. I'm tired of beating myself up for all the mistakes I made in the past, trying to fix them & taking all the blame in this. I admitted what I did wrong, I've learned from my errors, & I'm trying to move on and be a better person. I want W to do the same but I understand she needs to do things at her own pace. I can't force her to forgive or have faith & trust in me. Either she will come around & decide she wants me or she won't, I've already forgiven her & finally myself. I am much clearer now on what will make me happy in life.
I'm trying to be patient but sometimes I get frustrated. I try not to let it bring me down too much. My sis helped me out by telling me that I'm doing everything I possibly can. I can honestly say that I don't think I'm physically or mentally capable of doing any more at the moment than I'm currently doing and either it will be enough or it won't. If I feel like there is something more I can do, then I'll do it.
It's been hard but I'm cherishing the little things (positives) when I can, hoping for more of the same more often, but trying not to expect too much too fast. I can say that if I look at what our R was like in Nov that it's much better at the moment. Not where I would like it to be, but still noticeably better. W said the other day she wants to go on a 'family adventure'. I actually said 'I'd love to do that but let's take it one step at a time, ok? I'm hurting too and I NEVER want to go through this again...'
So, I continue to pray & live on. I'm also working at building my relationships with old and new friends as well as family members. Obviously, I've neglected more than my M the past few years. I'm not feeling so alone anymore & that's a good sign. I'm seeing a faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long way off but the train is still going forward. Things keep getting thrown on the tracks & the train has to slow or stop here & there but it hasn't started going in reverse yet
Last edited by jab; 01/26/0805:32 AM.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
