Oh, and I know I'm not fully responsible for her unhappiness. The fact that she has never been on her own plays into this as well. She wants to prove to herself (and me maybe?) that she can do it without me.
I am proving at the same time that I can do this without her. This is blowing her #1 stereotype of me, that I can't be alone, and I have fear of abandonment.
Yeah it's tough but not the end of the world. I can circle the airport for a very long time waiting for clearance to land. Meanwhile, I will enjoy the view from up here....
As I said earlier, I have signed up fora 10k run. I have started the 12 week training program, and have put together 3 X 40 minute walk/runs now. In front of me, on the treadmill's magazine stand, I have written:
I AM ON THE HARDEST JOURNEY OF MY LIFE
I AM PUSHING MYSELF PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY and EMOTIONALLY
TO BE THE BEST THAT I CAN POSSIBLY BE!!
I PLEDGE THIS TO MYSELF.
When I feel like quitting after 20 minutes, this keeps me going.
She also emailed me this morning, telling me she had accessed our home email via the web so she could forward a shipping confirmation from home to her work email.
I have signed up for a wine tasting event, which was confirmed in my home email.
I had also received a monthly report from our yacht club.
She told me that she had checked out the wine tasting email, asked me to let her know how it went. She is very surprised that I'm going by myself. "I would love to go, just to stand on the sidelines and watch you interact with a crowd of strangers!" she said. Definitely outside my comfort zone, but I'm pushing myself.
She also forwarded the yacht club report to her hotmail, to read later.
This tells me 2 things. 1. She is curious about what I am "up to". 2. She wants to see what's going on in our boating world...she hasn't mentally disconnected from it like I thought.
These are positives, correct? Or am I overthinking it?
Minkerman, you're right, she's curious and that's good! My W couldn't give a flying f what I'm doing, so enjoy her interest. Now, does it mean anything? Who knows. The trick is not to read too much into anything positive or negative...take notice and let it go. Again, you have a great attitude and GAL plans. Bravo!
I know this is off topic, but where did you find a 12-week training program for a 10K? My GAL list of goals includes running a 10K, I have only ever run a 5K. And I can run 3 miles easily so I don't "train" for those. Would love to know how to prep for a 10K though!
Hey Minkerman, Reading through your sitch and posts and I'm going to break in here, before reading everything - hope it doesn't bite me later.
This sounds positive. You are right to give her space. Our sitches are the same in that my W and I married very young. My W needed almost a year of living alone before she wanted me back in her life. Some take longer (sorry to say).
It's so hard and seemingly so wrong to detach, but so important too. Detach. GAL. You need it. You were young when you married too. Give yourself permission to live and enjoy. Remember your vows, but enjoy.
I had an A too. Unlike you, I'm willing to talk about the why's and wherefors. My W says she doesn't want to hear it, that it doesn't matter. I don't know if later she'll feel the same or not. One of my ugly secrets is that I had the affair for very selfish reasons. I was bored at work and ignored by my W at home. Here was someone whe paid attention to me, made me feel that there was still fun and excitement in the world. It seems so childish to me, I'm embarrassed (especially here on the DB boards), but I'll share my story with you if it will help you with your feelings and thoughts.
In other words, the part that jumps out at me is that your wife wants you to open up about your A and you haven't. I think she deserves to know, even it it's terrible, even if it makes you look like a juvinle ass.
However, I don't think this is the crucial peice of your sitch, just an important one.
I think the important piece is that she needs space to find herself, feel good on her own (like my wife did). Has she had a job for a while? Anything that gives her self confidence and positive reinforcment is good. It may not lead to her wanting you as a H, but it's the best shot you've got, and if she does want you back, it'll be stonger, better, healthier than ever.
You're doing the right things: detach, GAL, give her space. Let her know you are there and ready to open up to her (are you?) then back way off.
It's late, so I'll try to read the rest of the posts here later. Good luck MM and thanks for posting on my thread.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
I understand you feeling down, but it still looks pretty positive overall.
She seems to really need some time to be by herself. She's not rejecting you so much as trying to test her own wings, get in touch with herself, find her own voice.
Odds are really good that when she does, she'll invite you back in. She'll see that you supported her, gave her the space to do what she needed to do. Then your M could be better than ever.
So your job is still the same, detach (not completely, but more)GAL - keep working on yourself, for yourself, and be ready to listen to her when she talks.
Don't tell her, suggest to her, she is making a mistake. That sounds like your trying to convince her to come back, and telling her she made the wrong decision. She'll react by geting stubborn, backing off more. This isn't a debate or something you can use logic to convince her of a differnt path.
I feel my W went through something very similar - is still going through it. Be patient.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
