I'd like to get some other folks' opinions here, but remember when I told you yesterday that you had missed an opening your wife had given? That of all of the wayward people out there, a bunch of them won't even ADMIT to cheating, another group will say "we're just friends," then some will admit to having cheated but aren't willing to give it up, and then finally there were folks -- like your wife? -- that admitted to it, offered to give it up, but just stumbled doing so and slipped back in.
In my opinion, she's given you another opening here. She is trying to project in her mind what it would be like without the OM, and what things would need to be put in place in order to make it happen. She's practically writing her own "no-contact" plan!
I think you should quietly go to her later, sit down next to her, put both of her hands into each of yours and look her in the eye and say something like:
"You know I love you, right? If I didn't love you, would I still be here? then... "Last week (or whenever it was), you you agreed to end it with him, but you slipped up. Tonite you talked about if you DID agree to come back to the marriage, that it would be awkward to see him. Honey, I need to know -- are you serious about this? Are you willing to end all contact with him, because if you are, we can help you set up a system where you can I can begin to work at the issues of our marriage, unintruded by any outside person who doesn't have our marriage's best interest at heart. If you're ready to do that, I have a plan, and I can help you."
And then leave the room, and see if she comes to you.
If she doesn't, you've lost nothing, and you've GAINED in that she now sees a confidence in you that you HAVE A PLAN, and that there's a way out of this mess that's running thru her brain (and trust me, it's running thru there -- DAY AND NIGHT). You've shown her "a", you still love her, "b", you still forgive her and are willing to work at your marriage, and "c" you have a plan and can help her. And "d", if you use a calm, loving tone, she hears the love and safety in your voice.
And if she DOES come to you . . . BINGO.
If you want to try this, I can help you with the Plan. Just let me know. In the meantime, if you're so inclined, PRAY LIKE CRAZY that God will have His way with her heart. It sounds like He may be working on it already.
