I'm sure you are feeling all sorts of mixed up. I was like that, too. It stinks. Sorry you are here.
So I am DBing. Am I still fighting? Yes! But... I don't think of it as fighting any longer. Maybe I am fighting.... but it is a different kind of fighting. I am no longer fighting my wife, that's for sure. I used to fight HER, and now I am fighting the DIVORCE.
The difference? I'm not arguing with her any longer.
How many slip ups have I had? About.... a million? In the beginning I wanted to DB but it just didn't come to me. I was in denial a long time. Also misinformed. Also ... ah, it's complicated.
So here I am. It has been, let's see, 18 months since I found out about the affair. Here's a milestone: I no longer count the months. (I had to think about it)
Be patient with yourself.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....