I have decided that living in limbo sucks. I made that decision, quietly, a while ago. Yesterday I went and saw my counselor. I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I went, because I had spent 2 1/2 hours at the dentist earlier in the day and had been embarrassed (humiliated?) by the oh-so-efficient receptionist. But I had NO idea that I was going to say what came tumbling out of my mouth.
For 45 minutes, I cried and talked and cried some more, telling him how tired I was. Tired of living in limbo. Tired of being "married" but having no marriage. Tired of mixed signals. Tired of absolute silence on H's part for days and weeks on end. Tired of really not knowing anything.
He asked me if the fact that my H is in total control of the situation right now is what was really bothering me. And I had to answer "no". It just seems to me that his current behavior borders on cruel. He knows, clearly, how I feel. I do NOT want this divorce. Didn't back when we separated, don't want it now. He knows that I love him, unconditionally. (At least I have told him that, but he has yet to see that in practice.) I have also told him that if he REALLY doesn't want me in his life to let the marriage end. It goes against every moral fiber in my body to say that, but it is also cruel to stay married for... what????? Health insurance benefits? That is the excuse he gave at the first of the year for delaying the divorce- that I needed his health insurance. I told him that I was willing to pay the COBRA premium until my own insurance kicked in, but he chose to go silent after that. I really don't get it.
When he agreed to do the favor for me, I felt a glimmer of hope. He did the favor, and was gone in 5 minutes. That was over a week ago, and there has been nothing at all since then. Not a peep.
The daily silence, the daily rejection, hurts. And my C saw hurt that I had not let anyone see for a long time. It would be oh-so-nice if I had a CLUE as to what my H is thinking. Is he really holding off on finalizing the D until I have health insurance coverage? Or is he struggling, unsure of what he wants to do? Or is he hoping that by staying silent and away from me that he can let our marriage and any feelings he has just die of neglect?
And while I wait, I keep busy. I just wish my brain would slow down. I wish this didn't occupy so much space in my thought processes.
