Once upon a time, in April 2006, Frank_D was looking for help because his W had told him that she 'was ready to be a wife' and wanted to repair the damage that she had done, and fix the marriage
Frank was worn out, and was wondering how much longer he had to keep giving selflessly. How much more could he absorb?
Quote:
Frank_D:
I keep thinking how close I came to quitting over the past few months. But I know that even without the support of others I couldn't quit for very long. It just isn't in my nature. I can absorb a LOT of hurt and still keep going.
Hopefully, there won't be any more.
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Frank_D:
One of the things she has never shown me is the desire to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make a relationship work. She would rather quit. But quitting didn't work out so far for her.
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Frank_D:
So I'm thinking to myself "That's all I have to do, rekindle the passionate side of myself and it'll be all better". But, I'm also thinking that I don't know how to do it. Talk about lost. Talk about being tested. And learning to be 'alive' again. So, add this to my list of challenges.
1) Survive W going to OM to find what's missing in her life. 2) Keep family together while also getting my own ass out of a 5 year depression while W is in La La land. 3) Pick up wifes broken life after OM turns out to be a user. 4) Help W financially so she can start her own business with the knowledge that she wants to be able to leave me. 5) Do the 'after the last resort' hardball and tell her to leave, causing her to do an unexpected 180 and decide to 'try' to make it work. 6) Now, be patient with her while she is waiting for ME to 'do something' that will open HER up to intimacy and a more passionate life that she want's to live. 7) Somehow get rid of the last of my hurt, my fears and build up confidence and create a passionate life with a wife who is waiting for ME to make this all happen by essentially seducing her.
And to think that just 6 months ago my life was simpler. I hated it, I hated me, I was depressed, withdrawn from the world and generally predictable. Who would have thought it would be where it is today?
So, I'm sitting here thinking "I can't do this. I don't know where those feelings are. Where they went to." And, I'm still living with the barrier between us. I can't just drop it that easily.
But, W has told me exactly what she needs to be in love with me again. It doesn't get any better than that, now does it? And I would LIKE my life and my relationship to be that way, more alive than it was. Who wouldn't?
The hard part of course, is getting there. I'm going to really have to work on this one. I hope it's the last thing that I need to do.
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Becca said:
You know what I want to know? When SHE has to do something to build this passion and romance. Her wanting it from you is normal, natural and all that....but it is NOT fair for her to expect to just sit by the wayside waiting for the prince in the white horse that is within you to come by and sweep her off her feet. I can tell you right now that if she doesn't put forth some effort also, you are just spinning your wheels. It will never work because she will never feel what it is she wants to feel. She has to participate in order to feel anything.
A thought that went through my mind that may be something for you to ponder (but not necessarily the right thing to do) would be for you to just say the equivilant of what she's said before. That this would be so much easier with someone new and you aren't sure you want to put for all this effort when it is clear that she isn't putting for ANY effort.
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Then AmyC said:
Okay.
Your wife is nowhere near out of her MLC, Frank. She just got scared of actually having to move out & do things on her own. So she said the right words... And because of the hope that her words gave you, you backed off from detaching and now you are catering to her. You getting up from reading last night to go make sure she wan't offended is a prime example. That was just ridiculous. IMO her response to YOU was RUDE. You are following her around like a dog that someone MIGHT turn around and pet. YOU are doing all the work and your wife is an unappreciative, spoiled brat. She's not trying to save the marriage. She's biding her time.
But that is just my opinion.
I think SHE should have to win YOU back somewhat, too, Frank. She's the one who had an affair. And yes, you have more than atoned for your past.
My thought is that you should detach. And stay that way til she puts forth some real effort. Using more than dramatic words. She needs to be sweeping YOU off YOUR feet.
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Donh added:
I agree with Amy who agrees with Becca. In a different way, this is what I tried to say last week. Clearly the conclusion is the same. As I read one of the last entries I got the clear feeling that Frank does not know what to do because his W does not know. The really bad thing is, I don't think there is anything that you can do. She is looking for you to create a feeling within. This is pretty much the same as counting on you to make her happy. She needs to be happy within herself first. The same hold true here. I don't want to make this 3 against 1 but...
I fixed it. Not her, me. It's all clear now.
Please learn from my mistakes. It HAS to be mutual.
