Good for you, and I agree...I dont want to give up either, I was committed and still am. You went further than me and said vows and of course you are right to fight for that and your marriage. And I also feel that nothing ventured, nothing gained and at least I can look back without reproach and know I tried as hard as I could...I wonder if they can really look back and not regret never having tried, but quitting when it got tough... Its like a bereavement isnt it, none of those friends would be telling you to move on and let go this early on, if he'd died. Funny how they expect the feelings to switch off just because hes still walking around on the planet !
Sorry if I cant be as much help as others, only that I can agree and emphasise, this is all new to me!
Ali
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Don't listen to those discouraging people! Seriously! They just want us to stop hurting and they think if we "let go" and "get over it" that will be the best way. It is so hard to get discouraging feedback from those closest to you. A lot of my loved ones said stuff that was very ugly and vituperative about my man, and hurtful towards me. I realized I just can't expect people who don't have the DB mindset to have the DB mindset! And I let that stuff slide off my back like I am made of teflon!
Also... this gives me comfort so maybe it will help you too? Maybe the marriage is totally over, totally dead. But that doesn't stop us from creating a brand new, amazing, fulfilling marriage beyond our wildest hopes and dreams. And we will be in a much better position to do that now that we have started DB'ing. You get what I'm saying?
yes, sounds good in theory, but lets face it...it takes two.
I had the same thoughts..hey, we could build this amazing relationship out of this crisis! Really know and understand each other and it could be better than before...like a phoenix rising from the ashes! But, if they felt the same way I guess they wouldnt have WA? They've had threatened to, and then worked on making it better instead? I realise my BF is not interested right now in my theories of how things could be so much better than before, a R reborn.
You just cant get over something until your over it. Its like a death. Heres hoping though that if we give them space, our respective H/BFs will be open to giving us another chance in time?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I know how much you want to share your pain with others...it's only natural....but in my sitch, very few people around me know what is going on. Partly because I don't want others to know or try to talk me out of what I'm doing. The other part is because if everything works out in the end, I don't want them to treat my H any differently than they ever did. He was/is a good man, kind, loving, caring, honest....all the things that are lost right now. That man is still in there somewhere fighting to get out....I feel it....
Maybe I'm crazy?
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Glad your PMA is back up today. I completely understand what you mean about small comments that other people make throwing things out of whack- I think it is probably because we have had this huge upheaval/shock in our lives, and it makes us feel vulnerable. We then choose to do something that is completely counter-intuitive- we DB and make a stand for our marriage. So we take a leap of faith when we are most vulnerable....
Together, those things are a little scary (are we making a mistake? will people think we're fools? it might not work....but it could....could it?). So a small comment gets amplified and threatens to derail us. At least that's what happens to me, even without external comments.
Not sure how to overcome it, other than to post, keep the PMA up and take baby steps, but you are already so much stronger than we first met. I totally believe that I am going to be reading your success story here one day!!
((((Essie of the future))))
OD
PS. BA- you aren't crazy. Your H is in there somewhere, digging his way out of the hole he's in. In my H's case, a teaspoon at time!!
I just looked up what time it is over there and finally got why OD was calling you future girl! HA!
Essie--they call me the DB Queen and these past 2 weeks I've been needing T, OD, Jeff, and you to bring me back on track. Sometimes, it is information overload and you need to re-establish what exactly you want. Just when you think you have a handle on it, something else comes up. Unfortunately.
Thanks for stopping by Beth - I need encouragement from the DB Queen!
It took me till Thursday to calm down after being disappointed on the weekend that things aren't moving faster with H. Honestly to all those people who are living with their spouses and detaching I have no idea how you do it. Dont be too scared of separating, its actually so nice to get away from the drama!!
I'm hoping this weekend will not be a repeat, or if it is I will be able to handle my emotions better. Tomorrow is my birthday (29) Happy Birthday to me! Will H contact me or not? I'm expecting not, and almost hoping not because of the reasons above.
I have a nice weekend planned, and Monday is a public holiday, so I'm hoping that I will feel in control of this weekend and not miss H tooooo much.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law have sent birthday cards which is nice. I'd love to know what they think our chances are of reconciling. They give the impression that they are 100% behind me, and also don't recognize my H (he really has changed), but of course its not appropriate to be talking about that with them, because they need to support him.
Happy 29th Birthday to you! So sorry that you wonder if your H will contact you, I wonder too...he would have to be pretty mean not to though, after all the years you shared? Its great that his family acknowledged your birthday at least. He must surely feel guilty if he doesnt? Let us know ! If not though, I hope you find some joy in the day somewhere for yourself. You are doing better than me, I'm dreading our anniversary (13th Feb) and my birthday (10 March) and they're way off yet! I'm impressed by your ability to keep dusting yourself off....
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'd love to know what they think our chances are of reconciling. They give the impression that they are 100% behind me, and also don't recognize my H (he really has changed)
Just re-reading your post above Essie, and thought this part was really interesting. It's great that H's family are supportive isn't it, because it means they will be speaking positively about you and the R if it ever comes up with him.
And interesting that they can see how differently he is behaving. I would imagine that they believe there's a chance to reconcile, and that that's what they want. Are they big card senders? Or can you read something into the cards at all? They must be awfully perplexed by the change in H- almost as though he's become an alien!
