If living together is showing some improvements in the way she treats you... then it doesnt seem sensible to rush to not live together.
Maybe, maybe not - At this point, if I tried to stay longer she'd probably see it as a stalling and pursuing tactic...
Originally Posted By: Dom R
It sounds to me like living together again, has slightly improved her treatment and attitude towards you.
I'm not sure if anything has really changed - We DO spend a lot of time together and W isn't going out of her way to go out and do stuff with friends/OM (she's been out twice in two weeks, maybe for a total of five hours). How much of that is to do with me living with her, and how much is to do with other things going on in her life is anyone's guess.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
You were living separately a few months ago: did that really HELP? or make her nastier towards you?
The week before she moved out she was VERY angry. Pretty much the entire week she was out of control, crying, depressed and drinking a lot. After she moved out, things improved a lot between us, but around mid-December they got more stressed again. We spend time together even when we're living apart, so I don't think it's significant if we are living together or not - I believe that her experience with me over the last couple of weeks have been very different to what she expected and I'm not sure at all where her brain is at right now.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
Now since you've moved back.. has she been worse, about the same, or better towards you?
Things have been pretty good, but again, I don't know if that is related to me living there, or because of something else. I know she was really upset and stressed the week before I moved in - She's certainly not exhibiting that behavior anymore. In fact, since we started living together again, we've not had a single disagreement (that is, one that could escalate into anything - we obviously don't agree on everything), fight or argument. W is very pleasant around me, but I'm not sure if that is how she really feels, or she just doesn't want to rock the boat.
Brit, I'm not condoning you reading your W's diary...it was wrong. Having said that, don't be too hard on yourself. How many times have you read on the boards, "if I could only get inside H/W's head to know what they are thinking??" Can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing...I know it's wrong, but I'm just being honest. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
It was worth a shot because no where else would she tell it truly like it is. If she had said, "I keep fighting back the desire to reconcile with Brit" it would give you staying power or if she had written, "I can't wait for Brit to get the heck out. I'm worried he thinks we can try again and that is never going to happen", it might give you the wherewithal to drop the rope more. It was really an opportunity. Personally I'm glad you didn't get either one of those.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It was worth a shot because no where else would she tell it truly like it is. If she had said, "I keep fighting back the desire to reconcile with Brit" it would give you staying power
I did read something along those lines from back in November - Basically "I love H, but I'm confused". Actually, pretty much every reference to me was positive during November. Since then I apparently don't really exist.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
or if she had written, "I can't wait for Brit to get the heck out. I'm worried he thinks we can try again and that is never going to happen", it might give you the wherewithal to drop the rope more. It was really an opportunity. Personally I'm glad you didn't get either one of those.
Didn't see much of that. In fact, for the last six weeks or so she didn't even write about me at all. Every day was 'OM did this, OM did that - blah blah. I don't think he wants a R with me". Yeah, six months after she starts hanging out with the guy and she still doesn't get the message.
I've not spoken to W at all today - Resisted the temptation to IM her from work. I'll probably have to call her later to figure out who is going to pick up D, but I'll see if she IMs or calls first.
I think that once you move to your new place, you really need to try hard to do as minimal as possible with your W. That is tough to do with D involved, but you need to tell her that you need to live really apart for a while. Simulate what a divorce would be like. Also, dont help her out when she gets into financial trouble. She needs to really come to terms with the fact that she cant exist without you. Maybe she will try really hard to be with OM and fall flat on her face when she finds he is a deadbeat loser.
I just cant see the way the two of you have been going as getting you to your goal. She needs to have her life kick her in the face to see what she is giving up by treating you like someone she could care less about.
The worst part is that it wasn't/isn't a real relationship. She can hold on to "what could have been" and romantacize how it would somehow be great, rather than have the reality that this is a younger loser that lives with his mother. blaahh When my wife was doing her thing, I think that things would have progressed better with us if it hadn't all been a fantasy and she had pushed ahead with a real relationship. Probably would have gotten over in a hurry.
I do think that in some sense you could stand to take your cues from him. What is it that is so attractive? I argue it's that he's not available to her. You are and it isn't any fun...no challenge to it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think that once you move to your new place, you really need to try hard to do as minimal as possible with your W. That is tough to do with D involved, but you need to tell her that you need to live really apart for a while. Simulate what a divorce would be like. Also, dont help her out when she gets into financial trouble. She needs to really come to terms with the fact that she cant exist without you. Maybe she will try really hard to be with OM and fall flat on her face when she finds he is a deadbeat loser.
I was thinking along the same lines - I wasn't going to specifically tell her "I don't wan to be around you as much", but I was going to pull back and see what happens. I really want to work on getting my house setup and start to get settled, so I'll be able to keep myself really busy so as to avoid getting bored and wanting to have her around.
She has already been trying really hard to be with OM - Six months of her pursuing, not pursuing, giving him ultimatums and trying to weasel her way into his life. So far he's spending his time dating other girls and occasionally spending time with W.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I just cant see the way the two of you have been going as getting you to your goal. She needs to have her life kick her in the face to see what she is giving up by treating you like someone she could care less about.
I'm probably not going to get much closer to my goal unless OM is out of the picture, or W loses interest in pursuing him. Their R/friendship/whatever is very turbulent, so she can be really motivated to spend time with him one day, then the next she won't even talk to him at all. Right now my M with W is more associated with her feelings for OM than any problems we have had.
Brit definitely needs to do something different for this next seperation. His W may try coming by his new place too often. The hard part is drawing a line saying that he thinks it best that they not spend so much time with each other now. D2's needs must come first in all of this.
In a way, I guess Brit needs to be like the OM. Brush off his W a bit and be on his own. Be hard to get. Give his W a challenge to work back into his life. She needs a little shock and awe to wake her up to reality.
The worst part is that it wasn't/isn't a real relationship. She can hold on to "what could have been" and romantacize how it would somehow be great, rather than have the reality that this is a younger loser that lives with his mother. blaahh When my wife was doing her thing, I think that things would have progressed better with us if it hadn't all been a fantasy and she had pushed ahead with a real relationship. Probably would have gotten over in a hurry.
Right - I don't know how much of what she thinks or feels is based on reality, or what she believes things/he/they is like. Certainly it is more in line with an infatuation or obsession, rather than a healthy R. She'll give this guy the cold shoulder all the time, probably just to get a response out of him - Never in the five years I've known my W has she ever not talked to me, even with the current situation.
On the other hand, I think it's pretty amusing that he's dating other girls while W is hanging out waiting for him to come around. Maybe W really has to 'fail' before she'll pick herself back up again to start dealing with it all.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
I do think that in some sense you could stand to take your cues from him. What is it that is so attractive? I argue it's that he's not available to her. You are and it isn't any fun...no challenge to it.
At least to me, he represents someone without baggage, independence and freedom from the day to day nonsense of being human. I on the other hand probably scream 'responsibility' to her - She has been good with D, but she's let pretty much everything else go in that department.
Like you said, I think the most attractive thing is the 'fantasy' of it all - It's hard to compete with that on any reasonable level.
