One day at a time seems to be working just fine

[butterflymom]

bfm, I was wondering if/when you think you might move over to Piecing? Do you feel like you're there yet? Are you staying in the MLC forum because this is where all your friends are, or do you feel that you might jinx things by making that move?

I guess mostly I'm wondering how people know when they've actually made the transition to piecing when dealing with a MLC?

I actually have a small thread over in peicing, but most of my friends are here still so I still stick around like one of those annoying relatives that you can't seem to get to leave once the holiday party is over! LOL!

I do feel like we're peicing right now and that I have made that trasition in my real life.

I don't know, I just feel like I can do more "good" over here. I get much more pleasure from trying to help others than from getting advice.

While I am by no means a "guru" of DBing and don't claim to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination I always wished that more people like me (those working on reconcilation) were around to help when I was in the beginning stages of this whole thing.

It was inspiring to me to read their stories and it was great when they would drop by my thread and offer little bits of help when it seemed I needed them most.

BFM

[WCW]

BFM, I read your post to Treese about her H moving out, that he wants her to kick him out rather than him just leaving on his own. I understand what you said, my H is much the same. He won't leave on his own and I figured he wanted to be kicked out to look better to everyone, but he won't say he will stay and work on anything with me. He's been sleeping on the couch for over 3 years, has his clothes all out of the house, only keeps handy what he needs day to day...

I've never been able to or been strong enough to enforce any type of ultimatum for any length of time, he's left for a night a few times but always back home in 24 hours. He hasn't said for quite a while that he is leaving, but I have quit that cheeseless tunnel about asking him too.

We are both involved in many joint activities and events, quite often we end up at the same meeting or event or friends house whether it is planned or unplanned. There was a period when I felt H was really trying to separate that part of our lives too but it doesn't feel that way too much any longer.

At what point has it been 'long enough' and you suggest to do something that WOULD cause H to leave...or better than that make a decision to stay? I feel as though we've become too comfortable in such a screwed up way of life.

Sorry for the hijack, looking for an opinion from someone 'who's been there' and made it back. TIA.

How is FW? and how are you? both recovering from surgery? Here's too health and happiness!! <clink>

[butterflymom]

WCW,
I haven't been in a situation anything like yours so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Is there an OW? I haven't read your sitch so I'm not sure.

Anyway, my advice is if you don't have Divorce Remedy get it. I like it better than DB. Your situation sounds like one where you two have gotten comfortable and it's time to "do something different". Set some goals for how you want your relationship to look. What things would be happening in your life if your R was moving in the direction you wanted it to move in? What sort of things would you actually be able to SEE. (for example maybe he would slowly start moving some of his things back in, or maybe the first sign would be that at one of your joint events you ride together instead of going seperately.)

Anyway, set some long term goals - H back in the bedroom and all his stuff in the house with a happy marriage.

and set some short term ones that will be signs that you are heading in the right direction.

Again, you do sound way to comfortable and it sounds like maybe you need to shake things up, do something different. If you keep doing the same things over and over then you can expect the same results. Sounds as if your entire relationship has become a cheeseless tunnel, time to go out and search for a better tunnel.

To answer your question, I don't think you should try to get him to leave, I think you should sit down and really evaluate your R and what you could do to make it better and move in that direction. All it really takes is one person whose willing to step back and look at a situation and make changes in order for the other person to take notice. It won't happen overnight, but give it a few months and see where things lead.

Post your ideas and get feedback on them.

good luck.

BFM

[WCW]

Is there an OW?

There has been thousands of minutes of phone calls and hundreds of txts each month and numerous times been at her place but H says no ow/EA/PA and maintains he has done nothing wrong. Gotta believe him right? I don't know if it's still ongoing, I know they have contact.

I have a thread in Hopefulness, never been sure where I really fit. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

[butterflymom]

Is there an OW?

There has been thousands of minutes of phone calls and hundreds of txts each month and numerous times been at her place but H says no ow/EA/PA and maintains he has done nothing wrong. Gotta believe him right? I don't know if it's still ongoing, I know they have contact.

I have a thread in Hopefulness, never been sure where I really fit. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.

OK, so in other word, there is OW. I read a bit of your thread today.

Have you ever checked out marriage builders? You might read some of what they say about infidelity and try a "Plan A" if you haven't already. I really like a lot of what Dr. Harley has to say on the matter about primary emotional needs, etc, but I never was "Plan B" type girl. Read up on it if you get time and let me know what you think. A good plan A with a time limit for moving to Plan B might just work in your case.

BFM



It's pretty good advice.

[WCW]

Thanks, I'll check it out.
I did change the comfortableness this morning when I asked H if he would tell me where he's been evenings again. He said no, he wouldn't tell me. I said then make your list to divide things and we'll review it tomorrow. He said he wouldn't be ready by then (um, it's been 3 years that you've been moving out), and he's emailed and txtd about anything else but our conversation. He refuses to talk to me about any issues we have so it's hard to resolve anything. Like your thread title says, one day at a time has worked fine for me for a lot of years but after a taste of H being around more and now not coming home again, I dunno, I guess I have limits and needs too.
Sorry I keep hijacking your thread, it just keeps flowing!

[butterflymom]

sounds like he doesn't really want to move out.

Really do read Marriage Builders.

Plan B may just work in your case. It's harsh and it's hard to do (It has to be implemented following several months of a GOOD Plan A too).

Plan A basically lets them see what they are missing by trying to meet all their emotional needs(subtley) then some 3-6 months later if they don't take the bait and start working on things you basically pull the rug and force NC.

don't worry about the threadjack. My thread isn't really much about me anymore since I don't update that often right now.

BFM

[butterflymom]

Oh, another thing about MB, that many on here don't like is that he advocates exposing the affair to anyone and everyone and in places where your H will feel swift repercussions.

I did that in my case and my H lost his job. Did I cause him to lose his job? Some would argue yes, I say that I didn't his affair did I just brought it about quicker than it would have happened otherwise.

I am a firm believer in exposing an affair to the light of day. Many disagree. I still think that affairs are mostly a fantasy that are built up in our spouses heads to be the greatest thing ever. The finding of their soulmate, the relationship to end all relationships. They start out in secret and they are exciting. They get to meet in hotels and restaurants and they are always on their best behavior etc etc.

When they are outed then they have to start living life. Real life. Day to day with each other and many times (not all) they find out that that other person is not all they thought they were in their secret little affair world.

Many times I think we have to let them go further into an affair for them to be able to eventually come back out of it.

Just my thoughts. I know many will disagree.

BFM

[chicki]

BFM,

I am with you in letting everyone know and bringing out to the light of day. But in my case it didnt make much of a difference, hence his work is MACHO/JEWS (no putdown intended)if anything his bosses seem to be encouraging him and even trying to set him up w/ yet another OW!!!

This is my unique situation though!I think men will tend to stick together anyways and plus I am sure my H has bad mouth me enough..

[short1]

Not sure being Jewish matters. Know you didn't intend a putdown, but.... Most Jewish people I know as VERY family oriented. In fact family is everything.