Confessions of a Supermom - JennyF's 4th thread

I wonder if he ever looks at me and misses that too. When he looks at me now, it's like he doesn't see me. He looks at me like I'm a stranger to him...and I don't recognize him either. How does this happen to a person?

I'm sure there are times when he misses you - Maybe he doesn't want to show it because he doesn't want to 'back down', but I'm sure it passes through his mind once in a while.

Major personality changes are scary - It seems relatively common, or at least consistent. It would be nice to get an explanation for it from someone, but mental health stuff is so difficult to really pin down. Probably best not to focus on it too much and get on with your own stuff

[Startingover2]

I can bet there is at least a small part of him that misses it as well. But to admit that or show you in any way is a step in the wrong direction for him. It doesn't go along with his "plan" for his life and may cause him to think too much about his choices.

You are so much stronger than I am Jenny. Your H must be amazed at your strength through all of this.

Hugs to you.

Does your H pay you child support? This is a big ? for me as I want H to be here as much as he wants as long as things are progressing for us. But I don't want to be the sole supporter for our daughter. As long as we are not married I should still ask him for cs right?

[blindsided1]

Hell yes SO2. Sorry I hijacked your thread Jenny.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hey JF-

Thanks for responding to my post. It's so funny because you give me such great and truthful advice that it is hard to imagine that you get in a rut yourself. I think I am going to take your que on making a list of things to do. I am still sad and it still hurts, but since I decided to stick H with some of the hefty bills I feel less stress and partially vindicated. He has been walking around being able to do what the hell he wants with little or no consequnces. The biggest inconvenienc he has is driving here to see S everyday. He chooses to do that and I believe much of it is out of guilt. He has most of the weekend off and he has him mom to watch S when S stays with him. So he pretty much has his freedom. I hated to hit him in the pockets, but as my sister pointed out seperation and divorce has financial implications, hence the statement "it's cheaper to keep her." Anyway, it takes some much needed stress off me and for a change I am going to think about my feelings and I am going to be a little selfish. I am going to use the extra money to hire a sitter because I have been really burdening my mom with watching my son while I work. I am also going to pay a few things I have fallen behind on and if I am lucky maybe enroll son in a class and do a little something for me. Anyway, what I wanted to say about your MIL detaching from you during this situation is that she probably has some guilt. Maybe she knew about what was going on or had some insight to it and knew it was wrong. Perhaps she did not know how to react and if she and son are not close she probably had no power to stop it. The other thing is she probably recognizes her son is foul and knows she played a part in this. I am sure she is really dissapointed in him. No mom wants to come to the realization that their kid's family is screwed up and that that their kid is a big part of that. What mom would want to face the fact that their son is a cheater and a liar. With my own son I myself would not be his crutch. I would not allow my son to abandon his family. I would make him face his problems and stand up to his wife like a man. You mentioned that your H's dad abandoned his family too. So did my H's dad. This plays a huge part in their behavior.

[blindsided1]

what's my H's probem, then? His parents have been married for 31 years. There is really no divorce in his family. I'm not sure what the heck happened to his morals.

[JennyF]

Brit...

It would be nice to get an explanation for it from someone, but mental health stuff is so difficult to really pin down.

This is why I hinge so much of the explanation of a life crisis. My H has followed the MLC script to a T, now I just hope he plays the rest of out too! The hard part is knowing that there is nothing we can do to help them.


SO2,

Does your H pay you child support? This is a big ? for me as I want H to be here as much as he wants as long as things are progressing for us. But I don't want to be the sole supporter for our daughter. As long as we are not married I should still ask him for cs right?

Since my H dropped the bomb 6 wks before I gave birth and in Canada we get a year of mat leave (lucky us!!), nothing has changed with regards to our finances. He is still paying everything as if we were still together. If he didn't, I couldn't live here and even though he wants me to move, I am not moving until I go back to work in Oct. He can suck it up.
You absolutely need CS and have every right to ask for it. Regardless of what happens between you and your H you need to know that your D will be taken care of. By the sounds of your H's intentions he shouldn't have a problem with this.

hopetoworkitout,

It's so funny because you give me such great and truthful advice that it is hard to imagine that you get in a rut yourself.

I find giving advice to others helps me put my own sitch into perspective. It helps me to realize that I know exactly what I need to do and when you take the personal emotion away from it...it's quite easy to see things objectively.
I am quite an emotional person, so it is hard for me to separate these things sometimes. But as long as I vent here and not with H I'm doing ok.
I read this on someone's thread and it always helps me...(sorry I can't give credit as I didn't cut and paste the author!)

"Feelings are not facts..... My Chief task therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behavior sound and go by what I KNOW, not how I FEEL."

Also, I think I would having a harder time with this if H was actually showing me some of the little signs of closeness here and there that a lot of people get. I don't get any of this. H is a stranger completely so it is easier to detach. Of course this makes it more difficult to keep the faith that things will work out...but at the same time I'm just hoping this means he is in the darkest part of his tunnel and that this too is part of his process. No matter what I know it is going to take time and looking for things that aren't there right now is just going to drive me more crazy.

In the mean time...I'm looking at me!

Thanks for reminding me about the list I made! I've checked everything off me list except signing up for Yoga. It's been such a busy week that I didn't get to it. I love saying that I have actually been busy!
The list really helped keep me focused and I will definetly try to do one each week.

D is going with her Dad tonight and I am taking S to a friends house for the night. Her H is away so we are going to have a lot of wine once her D's are in bed!
Here is something of encouragement for everyone...
This friend of mine that I am going to go see has 2 D's, one turns 2 today and the other is 5 1/2.
When her 1st D was 7 months old, her H left her for someone else. He was gone about 7 months in total. He said it was over. Loved OW and didn't want to work on their M. My friend was the strongest person I've ever seen! She had her rough times for the first few months as we all do, but then she found her strength and GAL. She had begun to move on and do what she needed to for herself and her D. She did not have DB as a reference, but she was doing all of the DB things on her own (which I now know). Looks like they worked, because he came home about 7 months later to work on things and now 4 1/2 years later they are going strong and had another child!
She told me once that she reached a point when just knew she was going to be ok. That she realized that she could do it on her own. Then poof...he suddenly wants to come back!

So there you have it! It can happen and it does happen!!!
Hang in there everyone...at least we've got eachother!
J~

[JennyF]

I had a great night with my friend.
She is able to offer so much insight about what she went through and both of us are still amazed at how similar our situations are. Especially when I told her about how many of the S's on these boards all follow the same patterns.

H spent a couple hours with S (and still had D) while I went grocery shopping. I cried again when I dropped him off.
You know it's now that I mind leaving him so much (although it is part of it), it is more that when I leave him with H...it is just confirms that my family is no longer one unit.
This right now is killing me the most.
When he brought them both back, D was really upset that he was leaving. She is getting more and more upset and is constantly saying I want my Daddy to come home. She is still to young to quite understand that he just doesn't live her...she really does mean she wants him to be here with her. But it is so hard to hear her say it and not say, "I know Sweetie, I want him to come home too". But I can't do that.
I keep praying that God will help my D through this because I'm doing the very best I can and it just doesn't feel like enough. It is so unfair to her. Why can't H see that?
I pray daily that he will see it, that he will see that his kids are worth some effort and that what he is giving up is not worth what he is gaining.
I'm rambling again...just had to vent.
J~

[Kalni]

Jenny,

you are much sronger that a lot of us here. I actually do tell mine "I know, I want him home too" . But then again, in my situation it is clear to them from the beginning that he wanted to leave. He even told them so. My kids are older though and I can discuss with them. Your D is still a baby.

My kids are off with their dad today. And I am having a good time on my own. But when we talk on the phone and I can hear them laughing, enjoying being around their dad and then they come to the phone and tell me "mommy I love you", I get really mad at him for breaking up our family. As I told him once " this is the most stupid, cruel, paranoid situation I am going to face in my life, it's just doesn't make sense".

But it will pass...

Kalni

[JennyF]

" this is the most stupid, cruel, paranoid situation I am going to face in my life, it's just doesn't make sense".

But it will pass...

Kalni...
I've really been thinking a lot like this myself today. Every now and then I find myself sitting there going, "it's just too unbelievable to imagine...and it's going to get worse!!!". Hence the parnoia you spoke about...
Seriously, how is it possible that my life went from perfectly sane and happy to THIS practically over night! (H wouldn't say it was over night, but since he didn't choose to share with me his thoughts over the last couple years, for me it was overnight).
I mean my pregnancy was planned for crying out loud! blindsided & MO2, I can only imagine how you must feel having gone through fertility.
Then I look at my D and my heart breaks for her. I'm watching a 3 year old's personality change before my eyes. What I swore would never happen to my kids is happening and I can see it affecting her. It's killing me. How can H not see what he is doing to her? And I can't say a thing. Not only because it would break DB rules, but mostly because it just won't help.
I pray to God every day (a few times a day!) that he will help H realize what he is doing to the kids. I pray that it isn't in God's plan to put my children through this.
H may look at me like a stranger right now, but how he can really follow through with this when our children are so young is dispicible.
What will it take for him realize? I'm beginning to wonder if there is anything that could shake him out of this... short of CFB breaking it off with him. SO, I pray to God to help her (CFB) find happiness and fulfillment in her life WITHOUT my H.


My H finally said he is ready to talk about the schedule. He wants to sit down Monday night after the kids are in bed to discuss it.
I sent him an e-mail regarding our bank account and said "maybe we can talk about this on Monday too."
He e-mailed me back and said this only..."finances definitely need to be discussed".
Now the paranoia sets in. I'm expecting him to come at with the some legal stuff, perhaps serving me with a separation agreement. I don't know why, and I think I've mentioned it before that I think he is up to something. We'll see.
Again, I gotta say it...is this really happening to me??
WTF?
J~

[lizzy]

Hi Jenny! Don't worry if you don't get to stop by and check up on me that often. I don't have a baby to take care of like you do.

I do believe that there is still hope for you and your H. Unfortunately it will be awhile....he has to come back from his alien ship first and realize that the CFB is that and not the stong woman that you are.

Shame on your H's mom. My MIL has been sympathetic to me and made statements like H is just like his father. (Father was absent a lot and they have been M over 30 years but not happily.) In our last convo. she was this and then said of poor H. I wanted to say hello...he is making the choice not to live at home and work on the R. So I guess no matter what they do their moms will support them in the end.

I also get the worrying about the convo on Monday and if he will bring legal papers. In Nov. I asked H to give it 3 months before he took any legal action. That time will be up in two weeks so I'm just holding my breath. We are in a better place than we were then....but you never know. He11, I didn't know H was unhappy for so many words.

I too miss my friend although I do see glimmers of him coming back. I can't get out of my head though that in the summer H told me CFB was his best friend.