well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

I really think it has nothing to do with you.
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I was just reading "after the affair", and it said something about the unfaithful spouse clinging to the feelings the op awakes in them...not really the op themselves, but the "high" of being in that sitch. I bet it felt good to be the good guy in her eyes and hear adulation, he knows all that crap he said about me was nothing but lies but he prob just made them up to be the knight in shining armour.

My self steem did take a nose dive because I felt a failure as a wife, not good enough to keep him not pretty enough, not having this or that, constantly comparing myself to other women and hoping he would make me feel good about myself, that I was worthy of being wanted and desired. I'm working on that now, on being happy with who and what I am.

LN, thanks for your words, I am aware that only I am in charge of my happiness, what I tried to say is that in the future, if there is still an R, I dont' want to be the only one working on the M, it has to be mutual--H did recogniced that during the past year he didn't really tried, mostly coasted along.

Aud, I guess I wanted the C to be witness, he who has heard H's lies (I clearly remember a session 2wks ago, how the C stressed the the ow had to be out of the pict for us to work, kept talking about it and even I was tempted to say "she is, she is, just move along now"). Also to keep things in check or to help us reframe our convo if it was going the wrong way.
We might just end up talking alone, have not heard from the C and it is unlikely he'll take one more appt on Sat, he is all booked. H is off on Sunday and I'll be damned if I have to act as if nothign wrong during his day off, holding out for yet one more day to talk about our sitch.

My house is very inviting, mostly because H never agreed to invest in decent furniture, so I dont' have people over. Regardless, I thought about inviting friends for dinner, my neighbor who just lost her H last week and will now lives alone, my other friend/neighbor who is battling breast cancer and with whom I don't see much anymore since she became unable to babysit for me. I've never invited them over during the week just because, so I'll start doing that, will cook something, have them over and have a great time. I will also be teaching my d4 bible class in church and have been looking forward to come up with projects for them.
Last but not least, I will take the crappy wallpaper, a project that H and I were supposed for about a few yrs, it is a time consuming project which should get me off the couch after kids to go bed.

Finding my footing slowly but surely.