The End or Just the Beginning? Part 3

[Just_Me]

Hard choices Atlas. At the end of the day, this is still about doing what is right by you. If you think dating her would be simply a one way street with you giving and her taking, and aren't good with that, then by all means, do what feels most healthy. There is NO WAY that this should be all about you kissing her butt or being her source of support, when it suits her fancy, and you get nothing back. You are at a point in this process when you know there has to be more. If moving on is what you need to get your head around this, then do so. If what she has to offer isn't enough right now, then it's fine to wait til she's ready, if she's ever going to be, to pick up some slack. And I agree, quit being so available.

Me

[Atlas]

I have to agree more so with what Just_me is stating in his post. Dating for us is a waste of time at this point, she either wants to be in a M with or she doesn't. Dating my reinforce that or it may not, but I'm not willing to date and get nothing in return while she plays the field.

I am defiently at a point where there has to be more. The fact of the matter is, I continue to work on myself, I have taken 100% responsibility for my share of the breakdown, while she continues to blame me 100% for her share and her A. I didn't make her take her clothes off and roll around naked with him.

My sponsor and I have been toying around with some questions and how that would look and this is what I have so far. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

1. Do you want to build a happy healthy M/R with each other?

Most likely I expect to get the I don't know. At which point he thinks I should ask nothing further. Let her know that it is now her decision and I love her enough to let her go. Drope the rope and work on my sobriety. The one thing we haven't decided upon is a timeline, waiting until if she makes no effort then D'ing. We both agree there should be one, most likely the 90 days as already stated, but we haven't decided whether it should be announced to her, have nothing said, or just say there is one but not tell her how long.

2. If a miracle, and she says yes. Then what must we have right now to start?

My answer to total openness and honesty and exclusivity.

3. Lastly, what actions do we need to do in order to build a happy, healthy, M/R?

We came up with IC, MC, Support AA efforts, STD check, Date night, etc. These would each come in time. But we would compare lists and go from there.

Overwhelmingly, I know that I will get the I don't know on number 1. Then I head towards the after the LRT technique. Then it will be up to her. I do have enough going on to fill my time and I am enjoying my changing life, it would be better with her in it, but there are other fish, and I think maybe alone for a while would be nice as it has been so far.

Penny for your thoughts, half price from your two cents!

[ann25]

Hi Atlas, this probably isn't worth 2 cents anyways... hehe

I think, right now, maintaining your sobriety is #1. Things that cause stress and pain aren't going to help that. They may not hurt he efforts, but i certainly don't see them helping.

You've been there for her over and over again. She knows that you will be whenever she needs/wants you. The only times she showed a significant change is when you weren't always there.

I know that you've said before (a few times) that you aren't even 100% sure that you love her like you did and that you even want her back. You need to decide if that is what you really want...

One thing i will say in your W's defense is that in your first post you said "She seemed excited, said she hasn't seen me sober even a whole week, so if I can show 90 days she says she wants to see who I am and what we are about. She did specify, with a big wall up, that this doesn't mean we are going to reconcile nor are reconciling right now, she wants to see what I am about. So it is up to me." It's been a few weeks. If you do want your W back (since it's as much your decision as hers) you might want to give her the time that will make her feel like you've really chnaged. You might go back and read your first post on this thread. You knew all this was coming, the dating, her waiting the full 90 days.... decide what is right for Atlas and work towards that goal. It may not be W, only you can make that decision.

Hang in there! ann

[Just_Me]

I think she'll say, "I don't know", also. In which case you are still in the original spot following bomb. The rope should already be on the ground and should stay there unless she's tugging on the other side. I wouldn't phrase it as, "it's now your decision", because that says you're available whenever her other options are exhausted (and yes, I agree, she probably is playing the field looking for the best available option and you are her fallback plan). I don't know exactly how I'd word it, but I would lead her to understand that you intend to keep moving forward with your life in the positive direction it's going and it may not necessarily always include her.

Me

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Atlas,

I think you are starting to see things more clearly now. Except for the fact that you control this mess. If you want her, go after her. If you want the D, then go after it. You still seem to be in limbo, so I think you need to just detach and think for the 90 days. Keep your head clear, pray for guidance, and figure things out.

If you start pursuing her, you have to face the fact that you could be second fiddle (or third, or fourth). She is playing the field and you are in the field. You are not receiving any special dispensation becasue of the M. In fact, I think it penalizes you at this point.

Here is a fundamental question: Do you really want this woman or do you just want that which is being denied to you? There is a lot of "water under the bridge" with you two. You also know how often painful it is to be with her. She seems to be still spinning out of control while you are working on gaining control (of yourself). Are you sure you need the chaos at this critical time?

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Wow! Some awesome posts. Gives me some good stuff to think about. Sorry if I don't respond for a bit, I need to mull this all over in the head. I'm glad I came early though cause I do want to have a good 48-72 hours under the belt before stage time. Who knows, I've thought about showing up and not brining anything up if she doesn't. May be the best route to take.

Either way, I'm not worried about W interfering with my sobriety. She doesn't hold a candle to that right now. She won't kill my focus or deviate me from the task.

[Atlas]

W had a family party today, so she asked to take S since it is my weekend. She was to drop him off at 9, she finally showed at 10. She had been crying. Then she gets stuck in the driveway, after I get her car out, she says "Well maybe you should have tried that first." Haha! All I said was, "Your welcome." She saw the error of that and thanked me and gave a hug. Asked how her party was and she just says $hity, slammers her door and drives off.

So S comes in and says mom was crying in the car. Keeps talking about it, then says that she fought with friend in car. Hmmm! Just left him alone on it, but he seems pretty torn up by it. Eventually he is in tears and I have to rock him to sleep over it. Wonder if it is was a guy? I don't know. But S is really torn up about seeing this. Tried to call W about him being so upset but no answer.

[dh4320]

Hey Atlas,

hate to be blunt, but probably was about a guy.. our kids dont need to be around this sh!t.. the spouses need to keep the drama out of our kids lives, but the problem is you only have control of oyur own drama in regards to the kids, i wish we could snap our kids away when they are subjected to the drama our S's put them through, who has the answer....

[Atlas]

Hey DH,

Nice to see ya man. Glad to hear your order for the kids is still in place. That is a good sign.

I'm sure it was about a guy. I'm sure she was dumb enough to take him to the family party and he probably found out she is still married, and decided he wanted no part of that. Just a guess, and that is all it ever is. I'm not going to dwell on it, or rely or respond to my guesses though. I've learned that lesson. I have no control over what she does and can only control myself and be there for my S.

It hurts to see him like that. Asking me if I'm his daddy and if I love him. He's almost three and becoming very observant. I can defiently see that the stress of all of this is having its effect on him and that sucks. I just held him and told him I loved him and would always be his daddy. He calmed down and fell asleep in my arms.

Every time he spends a day here he doesn't want to go back to her place. He holds on to me and fights it every time. My only solace on this is that I know as he gets older he will look for stability and a home were other people don't constantly come and go out of his life. I'll provide that for him, and I'm sure he will just spend more and more time here.

[dh4320]

Atlas,

If i had a twin in divorcebusting i believe it would be you. I just dropped the kiddos off to their mom, i will psot on my thread how it went and her ridiculous phone call to me this morning. Just keep doin what your doin be the best dad you can and your son will always know you are his DADDY!!!!