I should have qualified my statement, as I have done previously:
If BOTH parties agree there's a problem; And if BOTH parties agree to work at it; And if BOTH parties, in fact, DO work at it;
Then I think these techniques MIGHT work (altho I'm still skeptical because so many of them seem to quickly backslide into the equilibrium of the different sex drives).
What I'm NOT sold on, and have NEVER been sold on, is that the techniques (be they MWD's, or Schnarch's, or anyone else's) can be implemented unilaterally, and be successful.
What I'm NOT sold on, and have NEVER been sold on, is that the techniques (be they MWD's, or Schnarch's, or anyone else's) can be implemented unilaterally, and be successful.
I agree. But we are talking about a M, so one would hope the two people involved are willing to put in some effort. They might not feel like they have to make the effort if the other person doesn't push the issue. That's my point. Just wishing and hoping they will change is crazy. Just venting on this board and expecting change is just as crazy. Lots have people have fixed their M's. But we only see the ones still struggling on this board. It can be discouraging. But it can work. I just hate to see people not even really try.
And by "try" I mean not just work on differentiation and detachment but towards a M that you actually want. One where both people feel love connection intimacy with one another. I would not be willing to stay in a M that was focused on detachment.
Are the libidos hopelessly different though? Or is it that we haven't been brave enough like LFL says to tear the house down. I really do think LD is a manifestation of emotional withdrawal rather than a genuine drive issue. Why is the balance more skewed to LD-wife/HD-husband? Maybe because women like to talk and men like to act. So men would like to take some action to get closer and women want to talk things through. I also think that on a biological level women are wired to be unenthusiastic about sex with someone they don't trust. If you've been through the emotional wringer with someone why would you trust them?
I have posted here as the HD wife, but really I have been just as LD (emotionally withdrawn) myself at times. It was only when it got down to once a month or less and when he stopped pestering me for sex, or groping me or complimenting me that I started to figure something was wrong that needed addressing. I would be perfectly content with sex about two or three times a month as long as I was getting cuddles, proper kisses, compliments on my appearance, butt sqeezes, lewd remarks etc. I wouldn't mind having sex more than that of course. But not getting those extras is when I feel sex-starved.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I'm talking about good old-fashioned successful compromises, where the HD spouse wants it 5x/week, the LD spouse would be content with 1x/week, and thru these techniques they end up at 3x/week of non-scheduled sex, in which both partners feel loved and reasonably satisfied nor put-out.
Hairdog her point of view, which is that physical intimacy is not an essential element in a marriage, and that the "norm" is that most couples do not have regular sex. Well HD, your W is right. BB can site TV programs to reinforce that view and newspaper adds for real estate that feature two as in HIS and HER master bedroom suites.
If you want, BB can e-mail Ms. HD the advertisements. :Serious eye roll from Lou:
My take is some W’s want to be M but want the M to be more like room mates, not lovers.
I really do think LD is a manifestation of emotional withdrawal rather than a genuine drive issue.
I totally agree. Funny how if they want to, LD people can have sex as much as the rest of us. Just got to break through that emotional wall.
This is also why I think detachment and differentiation is working against the goal of having a better M. You can't detach and have more sex. So why would people be working so hard on detachment on a SSM message board. That doesn't make any sense to me.
