three rants in one day...geesh when I get on a mood it just festers away doesn't it???????
so h irritates me at times...I really don't like talking to him on the two-way (next tell phone like a cb) it's irritating, distracting, cold...I just don't like it...I like it even less when what I've said appears to go unheard..uncommented on..etc...I like it even less when I can hear others in the background..grrrrr!!
so the real reason for my vent outside of the fact that I'm annoyed with h today before this sit all started I was happy being an at home mom..though some days were stressful and tiring I enjoyed it..I was happy and proud to be at home with my son...then my daughter...I was not happy with my m but was accpeting it for what it was a m with hope for better times in the future...now as a result of the sit I am finding myself no longer happy as a mother..no longer happy to be home..no longer happy to be the good wife..no longer happy doing the right thing. does that mean I want to run out and hang at a bar...full my oats...get a job and put the kids in day care?? nope...does it mean I want to run away?? tell h to leave? not really...I'm just not happy with my life...is it a result of what h has done? the added troubles he brought to this r? is it the new doubt in myself brought on by his having an a (ea who gives a rat might as well have been a pa hurts just as much if not more) leaving me (he would swear up and down he did not leave the kids)
why is it suddenly that I am not happy with anything?? why is it now I am bitter toward h? and yet tell myself not to be. why is it I resent h all the more for being able to walk out the door each day and deal with people (even if they are annoying him) why is it I resent h for having a life and am no longer happy being a mom who is privilaged enough to be at home...
I was happy I was content..I was simply lonely and urning for a r with my h for a family life...
now I am hurt...sad...lonley..full of self doubt and urning for a real r with h...for h to take some time to appreciate me for h to support me emoitionaly for h to try to cheer me up when I'm down or having a rough day...instead I must try to boost him up when he's down...keep the stress of home away from him so that he can come home to a peacfull place...what kind of a farce am I living here...once again I am a joke...I am a "woman" I am the "caretaker" I am the "peacemaker" I am the "caregiver" I am tired..I am sad...I am lonely...I am depressed.
I want to run away...I almost wish h would leave again...then at least I wouldn't feel used by him...then he would have no choice but to care for the kids and give me a break cause I just wouldn't be here...now it's back to me taking care of the kids while he does what he needs to do..
I can't get mad or bothered or frustrated at the fact that h leaves before we wake...I can't get mad at the fact that on most days he's to busy for any real phone calls over the obligatory hello..ok gotta get back to xyz...I can't get mad or sad or frustrated when h doesn't return home til (well today it may not be til 7) the kids bed time...I cannot get mad sad or frustrated at the fact that when h does get home he chooses to spend all his time and energy out in the yard...I cannot get mad sad or frustrated at the fact that by the time he does come in the house...shower and eat, he has little if anything to offer me before he falls asleep...I cannot get mad sad or frustrated at the fact that things have fallen (or at least for the time being) back to the way they were before h left...or worse the way things were before disclosure of ow...I cannot get mad sad or bothered because once again I will be given the "what about last week" "what about bla bla bla" "youre going to fla aren't you" "that's just the way I am" "it's a busy time right now" "I'm under pressure" "I'm just tired" "I'm stressed" "I'm home aren't I" "I'm going to c aren't I" "no matter what I do it just isn't enough your still not happy"
