kiki, UD: Thank you. Seeing them together, coming out of a restaurant we used to always go to, in an area he knows he's likely to run in to someone he knows - it really sucked. I'm still disturbed. There was no way to avoid crossing paths with them, and I wouldn't have even if given the choice. I did hold my head high, but I'm sure H could see it in my eyes how painful it still was. Ogre - she saw me and just kept on walking as H stopped to talk to me. Didn't even turn back. Coward.

Luckily, kids weren't with me. Unfortunately, I had almost no sleep last night and as soon as I turned the corner and saw them, thought 'Damn. I should've worn my new dress.'

I taught S5 what a 'coward' is today. (He doesn't know anything about the run-in.) He asked 'Like someone who leaves their family? Is daddy one of those? Does that mean you hate daddy?' I told him I'll never hate his daddy and that we'll have to see if that's what he becomes. Bad parenting?

I got a good kick in the @ss from OF, whose call couldn't have come at a better time. He apologized for being harsh, but gave it to me straight, which I really appreciated. Said that I've just been going in circles in my head for the past year and a half. That I could continue like this for years if I keep 'waiting'. Basically telling me to stop being the martyr, which I argued against - which he in turn said is making me more of a martyr by me insisting that I'm not. He thinks that by keeping the door open, I'm preventing myself from really moving on. Which is exactly what the last few comments on my thread were about, but in regards to DBing and this site. His message was very anti-DB, but that doesn't make it wrong either.

Then, in another call from mutual old friend who was here over Christmas, friend said he didn't mean to give me false hope, but that by what other friend said to H about finding new chick and H not defending her, he thinks H doesn't really love her. (Previously, H would have gladly beat the crap out of anyone who would have disrespected me in any way). Thinks that H wants to come back but can't because it'd be too hard. And he doesn't want to be by himself, so he keeps her around for the company.

Also heard from my good friend whose H is friend's with my H that they invited H - and strictly ONLY H - to dinner at their house the other night. H declined, even though he had said he was free earlier. But at least he knows how unwelcome the ogre is.

I know - way too much talk and focus on H.

Hopefully, the run-in and the trauma it's caused will have the same effect as all the other hurdles that are thrown at us - that it will build strength in the end. At the moment, I'm worried that it's the last straw. But how many times have I said that??