Quote: ------ ...we are in this spot where she had an affair. I think she feels (secretly) as if she is the "bad girl", the sinner. If she was unhappy, she could have said, "Gee, H, we need to talk about our relationship. It's not as good as I'd like, and I'd really like to make it better." Instead she had an affair and plunged us into crisis. Like stage 2 from the womensinfidelity.com website:
Quote:
Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis - even those who try to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They feel guilt when the topic of infidelity arises, whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands. Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society's belief that women are either "good" or "bad," women will question their "good girl" status and feel that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will try to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands. However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute these desires to needs that are not being met in their marriage, or to their husband’s past behavior. Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow.
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On the "constant reminders are everywhere" - I just started noticing this. You know, infidelity is so common, but it is viewed as still a very serious offense culturally in the US. I notice it in movies, in TV shows, everywhere. Last night I started watching the 1974 flick, Chinatown, with Jack Nicholson, about the California water crisis in the 1930's. The opening scene showed a man facing his wife's infidelity.
W got a movie from Netflix before I moved out of the house - Premonition with Sandra Bullock. The central theme was a woman who has a premonition about her husband dying. But the husband was about to start and affair, and the wife (Bullock) actually said, maybe it's a good thing he died, because that way we avoided all the pain he was about to cause us in that affair... Ouch!
I went to a parenting seminar - mandated by the county in all divorces involving children under a certain age. The counselor who conducted the course kept talking about keeping conflict out of the parental dialogue when children are around. She'd say things like "Forget about who had the affair, it's better to just put the blame behind you for the sake of the kids."
I mean, it seems like a constant barrage of guilt and shame for people who have affairs, despite the fact that they are so common! So I am aware of this and looking for ways out, for both of us.
