Just finished reading both your threads and boy do they resonate. We even got the bomb at the same time. My drinking has also caused a bunch of problems in our R. I've been pretty clean since beginning of Nov, but it can sometimes get tough.
I think my W is experiencing some very similar things to yours, but she is less talkative with me. She's finishing a phd on top of a full-time job, so has just snowed herself under with work. I think she's using that as an escape to not deal with R.
Thanks for voicing a lot of what I've been feeling but didn't know how to write down. Sure is good to see someone experiencing positive steps, even though the journey is still going on. Anyway, reading your posts makes me want to think back through what has passed between my W and I and see if I can better understand what she was trying to say to me.
A status update since my last post. W has been spending alot of time with me at apt. Things still going fairly well but there are still 'bumps' in the road. Our R/M certainly isn't where I want it to ultimately be but alot of progress has been made over the last month. Some issues are being worked on, there are others that lie on the 'backburner'. I think I/we can only work on so many things at a time and the task of fully repairing our R/M will take quite a bit more time & effort. Intimacy is returning. There has been alot more talk about 'us' in the future and not just 'her' or 'I'. The rollercoaster does continue but the dips are not as extreme as before. Right now, there are a few big issues. The biggest issues in my eyes right now that are stalling significant further progress are these: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) W loves the way I have been lately but still does not believe or trust that the changes are permanent. She is so damn afraid of me returning to my bad ways & doesn't want to go through this again. Everytime she brings this up I validate her & tell her basically that I am now being who I am/should be/want to be & that I'm not going to do those negative things/be that 'boy' again, I realize now that it was wrong, etc..but that I understand her distrust & fear. I mention that I am doing what I can & need to do but I cannot MAKE her trust me...maybe TIME & consistency on my part will alieviate some of her distrust & fear.
2) This S helped our R/M at first, but I believe that it is starting to hurt. It is becoming a huge inconvenience & burden but I cannot change my living arrangement for at least a month or two. IMHO at this point or in the near future it would be better for us to be living under 1 roof. There are still advantages to being seperated, but IMHO the negatives are beginning to outweigh the positives. Along the same lines, home detention & DUI sentencing stipulations are hindering my GAL'ing & 'putting salt on the wounds' of our R/M. Fortunately, I am knocking out the requirements one by one. I won't be able to put this behind me until next August when I complete everything on the list & get my driving privileges back.
3) No really constructive MC or couples therapy yet. I did bring this up today since the holidays have ended & our R/M seems to be moving in a positive direction. I truly believe that it would help our situation, I think we are both ready (at least close to it), but I do not want to pressure her into it I want her to want it. I basically told her that I haven't brought it up because I didn't want to feel like I was pressuring her. I suggested that maybe we give it a try sometime in the near future. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A phenomenon that is happening is when W is with me, there is usually intimacy & a sense of closeness. When W is not with me, W gets worried about future, distances herself some, becomes more negative about things, then I have to wait for her to 'drift back to me' again. This has been a weekly theme over the holidays. 1/2 the week she is very close & intimate (when she is staying at apt), 1/2 the week she becomes fearful & distant (when she is working and not staying at my apt). From reading some other posts, this seems typical. I'm trying to be very patient & just trying to be consistent with my actions.
W's birthday is on Sunday. I ordered flowers to be delivered tomorrow to her. I think they will go over well & I put a nice, thoughtful msg on the card. W seems a little down that she has to work that day & that we/she cannot do anything special for the occasion, so I hope the flowers & msg helps a little.
I prob won't see W until Monday, she works all weekend. I told her she could 'visit' me anytime. She was kind of distant & depressed tonight when she dropped of the kids so I don't know what will happen.
Well, if there are any insights or suggestions for me I'd sure appreciate them. I am wondering if any of the 'experts' can tell me where our R/M currently stands in the overall scheme of things, what I should expect & should be doing moving forward & what forum I should be continuing my thread in (as well as reading for advice) when this one fills up.
I want to reiterate that I couldn't have done what I have so far without DB. I truly believe that if I didn't find this site, my M would be over at this point & D papers delivered or on their way. I thank God for giving me strength & leading me to this site. I thank everyone that has given me advice on this site for their understanding & guidance.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
Well, W couldn't stay away for 1 day. She called and asked if she could come over for dinner before work. I told her that she is ALWAYS welcome to visit anytime (just call first) .
W was in a good mood again when she showed up. Overall, it was a good day with the kids and I had time to do some things around the apt that were being neglected. I have a goal to get rid of all these unpacked boxes by tomorrow night.
Nothing really new or exciting, I am still looking for opinions and advice for topics in previous post....how far along am I in the grand scheme of things? What forum topic should I be concentrating on/moving to after this one locks up? Any insight on what my W may be feeling or thinking at this point? Do I sound like I'm thinking & acting appropriately?
P.S. - I got the Dec. phone bill today & zero calls to OM. I think whatever was going on through Nov. is over & history. What a relief!
Last edited by jab; 01/06/0801:52 AM.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
jab, what are you learning about yourself through this process? I hear a lot about her and her reactions to you and of course you are pleased by that but I want to know how you are being changed under these conditions...through sobriety, etc...
How much of your self-satisfaction is caught up in the fact she is reaching out? How much is based on new revelations about yourself, separate from her?
In those answers, you yourself can gauge where you are at this point...
Man, jab, I think it sounds like you're doing great! Not that you should relax, but she's thinking about you and that means a lot. I know Amy says to think about yourself, but I think about W a lot too and wonder where I'm at. In the grand scheme of things, though, I don't think there's a place to be. You are where you're at, and only you know where that is. Every sitch is unique and now that those of us who are here realize that M isn't the rosy picture we used to think it was, we're always going to be wondering where we're at.
Do what makes you happy and judge from the results whether that makes your W happy too. Be a friend and meet her needs, but you have to meet your own too.
My W sounds very similar to yours, but quite a few steps back. When we're together it's great, but the in between times are killing me and she's always distant when we meet or talk again. So far she's always drifted back, though.
Your W may NEVER trust you the way you want her to trust you, and she may always have a little grudge. So, get over it! Allow her the peace and freedom to carry whatever baggage she wants to, and move on with YOUR life. Be friendly, happy, joyful, sexy, flirtatious, kind, supportive, and loving. Be all these things no matter what she's concerned about. Point is that whatever SHE'S feeling, does not necessarily have to dictatate what YOU feel, say, and act.
Be very careful about C. If it ain't broke don't try to fix it. Most C's love to dredge up the crap, sling it all over the place, then try put it all back together. That system can and will backfire. I encourage a more subtle approach. Marriage Builders, Retrouvaille, etc. Something that isn't so in you face. In any case, the more knowledge that YOU obtain about R, and communicating with women, the more successfull a R you will have.
Regarding the apartment. If it's not helping your R, then pack your stuff and move back home. Just use the apartment as an escape, second home, a pleasure palace, love den, whatever for the next two months.
You're doing great! A real success story. Keep working on YOU, learning about HER, and taking life one day at a time.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
1) W loves the way I have been lately but still does not believe or trust that the changes are permanent. She is so damn afraid of me returning to my bad ways & doesn't want to go through this again.
I just thought I'd repeat my post from your old thread. Consistency is the Holy Graile of DB'ing.
I have nothing else to add - other than I just like to follow AmyC & COG's posts around the BB. Two of the best!!
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Haven't posted in awhile, I apologize. Honestly, I felt like I needed to give it a break because I felt like I was obsessing too much on the situation & it was having a negative impact on my mental state. Tonight I felt like it was time to post again.
Not alot of anything new in the grand scheme of things. I put it this way to a friend the other day: "Well, I don't have divorce papers, but I'm still living in an apt by myself. I can look at my glass either half full or half empty. I choose to look at it half full."
W very much acting like she wants go get back together most of the time, but there are times she is unsure. W has been spending 1 or 2 nights a week at my apt. We have had sex a few times, but not lately. I think W felt we were moving too fast & she started feeling uncomfortable with too much intimacy. I get kisses & hugs, no ILU's, but she wears her rings on occassion & W genuinely acts like she wants to spend some time with me & chooses to do so. Pretty sure there is no OM in the picture. I think I'm in the whole dillema of how to get that 'spark/attraction' back in the relationship. We are both healing and seeing how things go for the most part. I've been trying to be patient and take it day by day.
I haven't drank a drop (over 100 days now), basically approaching that subject the same way. It doesn't matter what label I want to put on myself or what label others want to put on me at the moment. My philosophy is keep doing what is working and stop doing what doesn't. Being sober & going to AA is working for me right now. If for some reason I feel like I need to do something different, I'll reassess the situation. I have to be true to myself first.
Last couple R conversations I had with W came down to this:
1) W not comfortable with me moving back yet but stated she would like me to if we can do it 'right'. I agree that I don't want to move back unless she really feels it's time to give it a try. Plan is to maybe spend a couple nights a week there after my HD is over (Feb 8th) & see what happens from there. Me having no transportation & having to rely on her to get to work is still a big issue keeping me from dumping the apt.
2) W wants to try MC again. We will try SBC starting next week. W stated she wants to move forward but unsure of what to do right now. I feel the same. I just hope it is more productive this time around.
3) W likes what I'm doing but afraid that it will be short lived and that I'll become 'complacent'. I told her I see why she would think that based on my past but I'm not like that anymore, nor do I want to be.
IMHO, W is still living in the past & in fear of the future. I'm trying to live in the 'here & now'. I'm tired of beating myself up for all the mistakes I made in the past, trying to fix them & taking all the blame in this. I admitted what I did wrong, I've learned from my errors, & I'm trying to move on and be a better person. I want W to do the same but I understand she needs to do things at her own pace. I can't force her to forgive or have faith & trust in me. Either she will come around & decide she wants me or she won't, I've already forgiven her & finally myself. I am much clearer now on what will make me happy in life.
I'm trying to be patient but sometimes I get frustrated. I try not to let it bring me down too much. My sis helped me out by telling me that I'm doing everything I possibly can. I can honestly say that I don't think I'm physically or mentally capable of doing any more at the moment than I'm currently doing and either it will be enough or it won't. If I feel like there is something more I can do, then I'll do it.
It's been hard but I'm cherishing the little things (positives) when I can, hoping for more of the same more often, but trying not to expect too much too fast. I can say that if I look at what our R was like in Nov that it's much better at the moment. Not where I would like it to be, but still noticeably better. W said the other day she wants to go on a 'family adventure'. I actually said 'I'd love to do that but let's take it one step at a time, ok? I'm hurting too and I NEVER want to go through this again...'
So, I continue to pray & live on. I'm also working at building my relationships with old and new friends as well as family members. Obviously, I've neglected more than my M the past few years. I'm not feeling so alone anymore & that's a good sign. I'm seeing a faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long way off but the train is still going forward. Things keep getting thrown on the tracks & the train has to slow or stop here & there but it hasn't started going in reverse yet
Last edited by jab; 01/26/0805:32 AM.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
W not comfortable with me moving back yet but stated she would like me to if we can do it 'right'.
W wants to try MC again.
W likes what I'm doing but afraid that it will be short lived and that I'll become 'complacent'. I told her I see why she would think that based on my past but I'm not like that anymore, nor do I want to be.
These are all very positive. You are doing well. Of course she does not trust you yet. She is following the same rules we on this BB follow: believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
She is watching. She has not quit on you yet. Good.
Quote:
IMHO, W is still living in the past & in fear of the future. I'm trying to live in the 'here & now'. I'm tired of beating myself up for all the mistakes I made in the past, trying to fix them & taking all the blame in this. I admitted what I did wrong, I've learned from my errors, & I'm trying to move on and be a better person. I want W to do the same but I understand she needs to do things at her own pace. I can't force her to forgive or have faith & trust in me. Either she will come around & decide she wants me or she won't, I've already forgiven her & finally myself. I am much clearer now on what will make me happy in life.
Great analysis and right on the money. Accept your responsibility here, correct what is in your control, and don't try to control what you cannot. Especially her "slow" pace. But from this post - you know all that already.
Good job! I can use a success story. Keep going and this will be it.
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