I think this would also be a good move for haphazard and maybe karen1.
Eddie, I already pointed H in the direction of this board, and told him my login name. He chose not to look. He probably is afraid of what he might find.
Hairdog: It's an interesting story you tell about fixing the light fitting for MsHD, once you have those "lurve" filters off how different people seem. I remember when I split with exBF after we had had the weekend from he!! telling eaching EVERYTHING we thought of each other, I said to him "I feel normal again now" he agreed but disagreed it meant we should get back together. A couple weeks later he was hanging out with some buddies at the house we had shared and I came in and started hanging with them and I suddenly realised that he was doing all the same stuff he ever used to do that would annoy me but it didn't matter anymore and in fact it was "just him" and acceptable and OK and even funny and endearing. It was the detachment that let me look at him with new eyes, with the same eyes that everybody else was probably looking at him with.
I think if someone does learn how to detach from a formerly fused R it is complete luck of the draw whether you love the person still after you have detached from them. I did love exBF still, but for one thing I didn't know how to do that without going back to the old R (which was NOT a place I wanted to be) and for another thing he wasn't interested - possibly for the same reason.
Balto asked if we were wasting time. It depends on what your hopes are. If you hope to get back to a place of lovey-dovey fusion then yes we are, that outcome is probably not even possible. If on the other hand we are striving to become differentiated individuals who are able to love others in a detached way then I think it does work to be here. Once we become detached the state of the M is purely down to the luck of the initial pick.
The strange thing is that although I know that's how it works that I can't quite manage the same detachment yet with H. Whenever I have had my moments of detachment I tend to feel a bit let down by what's left.
However life in the Hap household is better and more easy-going these days and we do have kids. The deal-breaker for me is no longer lack of sex (just as Mojo said) it is nastiness, grouchiness, general cat-kicking (with me in place of the cat). There has been far far less of that since he quit drinking. He also smells better, has clearer skin and less of a belly!
The love primer should go like this:
1. Find someone and fall madly in love
2. Enjoy it for a couple years
3. Realise things aren't quite right and use this as the signal that you are fused and need to start detaching
4. Assess the result and either fold or continue playing the game
It's probably impossible NOT to become fused with someone during the buzzy chemical phase - it's probably even necessary. But the step that most people seem to skip is graceful detachment.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
