But, if you write up of an overview and outline for me -- I'd be happy to read a summary of your situation to date!
Thanks SUMMER - here's a humble attempt at summarising
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My life (very briefly though):
· My sister died one day after giving birth to her daughter on 17th May 1990
· I lost "interest" in my faith and went on a "spree" which lasted until I met my wife_to_be in August 1995
· We got engaged within two weeks of meeting each other & got married on 18th May 1996
· My Dad passed away on 20th August 1996.
· My Mum bought a house (for me) and came to live with us in November 2000
· In February 2000 my Mum was diagnosed with 3rd stage ovarian cancer
· My Mum passed away on 30th September 2002
· My wife left me briefly for a week in December 2003 - transport issues and a few other things which were resolved during a few counseling sessions.
· My wife's Dad passed away on 13th August 2004
· Our dearest kitty gets sick in July 2006 and between September & November 2006 I take over "palliative care" for her in an attempt to save her - I get a bit frantic about the whole thing as I was so desperate to save her.
· My wife comes home on 09th November 2006 and out of the blue announces her intention to divorce me & leaves for her mother's house the same night.
· On 16th November 2006, our little kitty passes away & an hour later I receive the court papers via the Sherriff for our divorce
· No physical or verbal contact & my wife chooses emails to gradually cut me out of her life - cancellation of medical aid, car insurance, credit card debt discussions, etc.
· In December 2006 my wife returns the car I gave her as a gift in December 2003 as a result of her "transport issues"
· Later that month she sends me a fax with a list furniture demands.
· I use this as an opportunity to make verbal contact & finally on the 10th January 2007 we meet over coffee to discuss her list.
· My wife arrives on 13th January 2007 to collect the bulk of the items requested - she declines my offer to see our kitties
· My wife returns on 14th January 2007 to go through some of her personal effects.
· Both of the above interactions seemed fairly positive according to me!
· In late January 2007 I contact my wife to feel her out & invite her to coffee & I get turned down flatly.
· A few days later, my wife cuts off my access to our bond (mortgage) which we had used as bridging finance for the business, etc - I contact her & she is adamant the account is "frozen" despite the implications for my business
· In mid February 2007, my wife institutes further legal proceedings & threatens to sell my house from under me (the house was put in her name for business reasons).
· I defend with a plea & counterclaim (lawyer advises me to file a writ of divorce also to protect the house )
· My wife visits my best friends mother (just prior to my nieces' visit from the UK on 04th April 2007 - this niece being my late sisters daughter) - I had sent my wife an email informing her about this visit & invited her to make contact if she so wished.
· In April 2007, my wife files another legal uppercut asking for interim maintenance AND subsequently visits my best friend to apparently make it clear she is adamant on a divorce!
· No verbal contact between us since 24th January 2007
· Court hearing on 29th May 2007 resulted in me being ordered to pay interim maintenance of R2 500-00 per month to my wife (this is the last time we "saw" each other - she did not even acknowledge me on the day although when she walked out of the courthouse she gave me a curious look...) and at this point she even wanted to conclude the divorce on this day = but I refused to grant her a divorce.
PART 2:
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I have not heard from my wife since the 11th August and I have no idea what she is doing with her life, yet I continue praying for restoration every day and living a life which a husband should.
The 11th August interaction was an sms (text message) from her in which she said "I have just seen you in the car again! HOW DARE YOU! IT IS ILLEGAL!! You have 3 weeks for the transfer & I want a copy of the papers"
This was over the car SHE had returned to me in November last year when she said "I thought you might need the car" - she subsequently went out and bought a BRAND NEW car and put this in her expense claim against me
Interestingly enough and just to explain to you - the car she returned was one I bought for her & put in her name BUT I paid all the insurance, licensing, etc AND I am one of the nominated drivers so I'm not sure why she claimed my use of the car was "illegal" also considering she had GIVEN the car back to me??
During the "transfer process" in August, my wife strangely claimed that she did not even OWN a car - quite confusing as I saw her IN her new car in January 2007 when she came to the house to discuss what furniture she needed for her new flat??
I'm striving to be that spiritual leader she desires regardless of what the WORLD is saying – even yesterday a good friend said "When are you finally going to get it? Are you moving on with your life?"
It seems satan knows where & when to strike as it brought out feelings of despondency in me even though I told the person concerned "You know where I stand" and all I got was a shrug in return!
I hear about MANY restoration stories via the Steinkamps daily messages & emails – not many people OR Churches are well versed in Marriage Reconciliation and it seems such a foreign concept to them - I do get plenty of unbelieving looks when I reaffirm my commitment to my marriage being restored.
It's "hard" to believe so much time has gone by, not only since our separation but also since I have had meaningful contact with my wife - the last time we "sat" down together was on the 10th January 2007 or so & the last time we were in the same room together was our court meeting in April/May in 2007.
All of her interactions since collecting the furniture she wanted in January have been filled with "aggression" and a desire to extract money, etc from me and she even tried to get my house sold (My late Mum & I had the title deed put in her name to protect US financially in case my business went belly up & therefore the house would be protected) out from under me.
My wife took me to court using a loophole in the law where she was allowed to claim interim maintenance from me even though we do not have children - my wife claimed this was to FORCE me to divorce her as her logic dictated I would much rather divorce her than pay her maintenance every month!
My wife's list of "expenses" were somewhat inflated and the lawyers influence could again be seen at play during the submission of her court documents.
Her shortfall claim was for R 4 700-00 per month and even though she earns better than I do, we came against a judge (whom according to my legal counsel) would NOT minimise my wife's claim & thus they suggested I try to settle out of court even though our "legal argument" against my wife was quite strong.
As a result since around June I have been paying my wife R2 500-00 per month AND her legal fees of R 500-00 per month (R 5 000-00 court fees divided into 10 payments).
Our Heavenly Father has provided me with the means to pay this amount every month even though I have taken a loan to help with my cash flow for the business – my wife cut off my access to our home loan re-advance facilities in January 2007 which WE had always used to refinance house expenses, business bridging finance etc!
I have seen a new side to my wife this past year - one where she has cut me off completely and not even initiated ANY contact other than for "business" reasons.
Her friend continues to reside in the granny flat on our property - an OLDER lady (by about 20 years) who also continues to interact with my wife (on at least a weekly basis as far as I know) and whom herself is a THRICE divorcee
I have been using a mutual hairdresser (also does work on on my wife's hair) who EMPHATICALLY promised to give me news on my wife this time last year but whom I've subsequently discovered was only offering me lip service in this regard.
I do not receive any news about my wife from ANY sources, but I know my dancing news reaches my wife due to the interactions I've had with some of her work colleagues (have danced with one or two of them).
I have not even bumped into my wife anywhere since our separation on the 09th November 2006 - I have seen her once or twice in the car going by, but nothing in person (walking, etc) - I understand our Heavenly Father might be allowing this situation of non contact & no news of my wife for my own "protection" so I have not made any enquiries as to her whereabouts, etc even though this has been VERY tempting at times
I continue to love my wife and honour our Wedding Vows, yet I live "as” a single person without my wife' physical presence - my own concern and prayer is not to become too comfortable with this single lifestyle and thus end up being complacent about my Marriage Restoration.
I have no "clear" action plan and still await leading by the Holy Spirit in this area – I pray for a breakthrough and for signs that my wife wants to return to this marriage so we can glorify our Father by showing the world what is possible if we have faith and trust in Him
Please pray for us (I know you do already) as I would be lying if I said I have not experienced weariness & extreme loneliness over this time of separation & as I can see no "positive movement" this is quite demoralising for me even though I KNOW God can work (and probably IS) behind the mountain
My life is "good" without my wife in that I have been blessed with supportive & Godly friends, success with my dancing, a great new Christian Dance partner, good health and even some business growth to enable me to start paying back the debt I incurred from all the legal court fees in defending myself against my wife.
Ok, now just before my "BIG" news, I had another interaction with the lady who likes to "advise" me - the same one =who said "When Are you going to move on with your life - remember her?
Well, about two weeks ago I was getting some things from her shop when she said some rather startling things (remember also, she said she would NOT be acting as a "go-between" as my wife had previously visited her & communicated "something" to her whcih this lady felt my wife should have said directly to me rather) - now bearing this in mind, some of these "startling things" came through thus:
- were were chatting about dancing and she casually mentioned that 95% of ladys liked men who knew how to dance BUT my wife was not one of them
- this lady also said IF my wife comes back I would have to give up my dancing & that I would only have this year left (to dance)
- she closed off by saying "be careful what you wish for"
To me, it seem she had spoken with my wife very recently and my wife MUST have said something about IF she comes home otherwise, why the mention about my dancing??
PART 3:
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Here's my HUGE update for today and I was going to add some other stuff which happened about a week ago - to do with "that" lady who gives me hints about my wife (despite her saying this is something she would not do - be an agent for my wife in other words).
Ok, so here is is people - it's a BIGGIE (for me anyways )
I bumped into my WIFE today today unexpectedly and experienced her frustration & anger for me - I was calm and non judgmental as far as I remember - I was in our local supermarket where we BOTH used to shop together when I saw her coming down the aisle towards me.
I took me a bit by surprise & I moved towards the dairy section and she came around the corner straight at me...yikes!
She asked me "Why is this taking so long" referring to the divorce proceedings SHE instituted the DAY she left me and all I replied was "I thought you would know by now" as I did not want to say anything to enforce her guilt, etc.
After I said the above, she paused for a "fraction" and said: "It's been a year already??"
She asked me why I had phoned my lawyer (not sure how she came by this knowledge) and I said it had nothing to do with our "case" but that it was about something "else" - my lawyer had called looking for a generator (the business I'm in) and I merely returned her call - I did not let my wife know what the call was about though...
I asked if she was well & she said she was "very well" although she kinda looked hot & bothered - I ALSO asked her if she got my message (the voice mail I left her on New Year) and she said she had no idea why I would want to wish her well for 2008...
Her parting words were "I'll be happy when I get this divorce" and then she turned her back on me & walked off...
She seemed "fairly calm" throughout this small exchange between us, but somehow there were undertones of anger coming through (I think) so perhaps this is because 14 months later she is no closer to being divorced than she was the day she walked out?
I pray this interaction has planted some seeds towards reconciliation somehow
Best wishes & blessings CM
PLEASE continue praying for US to be restored in all HIS glory
