HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[cat03]

He just laughed, and said, "yeah."

One word: idiocy. He can't see what an @ss he is being. Lots of folks here refered to their WAS as "being beemed up to the mother ship" because of their deranged behavior.

I remember sticking to my H budget, almost never buying myself anything nice nor taking my kids out too much...and he just would show up with brand new Harley D boots and pants and jackets to ride his bike (one he bought against my wishes).

I did all the cooking, all the cleaning, msot of the d3 care. H spent lots of money friviously, and I spent very very little on myself. Too little in fact. Maybe if I had spent more and done less, there would be less resentment? Maybe if I had ... I always felt like I had to pick up the slack, like I had to parent him too.

Same story here hon, I was full of resentment and was too tired to ML (a reason things started going down hill, I rejected my H too often, too tired, too upset).
Do NOT beat yourself nor take most of the blame, there was no way you would've known what you know now, no use upsetting over the past. I also felt like I was parenting my H too, our communication was lousy and the rest...is history.

past due bills...I figure he's on his own now

And keep it that way, do not bail him out.

Up and down

I know hon, i know, give yourself permission to vent/cry/let it out, it is the nature of the S beast, we call it the rollercoaster.

[Beth 83]

How's it going today?? Wanted to hear from ya...

[darkestangel]

Hey all! Today was okay, I guess. H called around 5pm to see what we're doing tomorrow for d3's birthday. I purposely didn't answer the phone and let it go to voicemail

I waited an hour and a half to call him back. Since it's raining, I thought we'd take her to the Aquarium of the Pacific, and mayeb the Discovery Science Center since they're both indoors. I wanted to take d3 to the Wild Animal Park, but it's 100 miles away and a big storm is coming, so it's not a good idea.

We chatted for a bit. I asked him when I should pick him up, and he said around noon.

There was a big of friction when he was saying how he has no money. I told him the tickets were like, $20 each for the Aquarium. H says, "So what, you want to take the little money I have? How am i supposed to pay my bills?"
I said, "No, I'll pay for me and d3. but you can pay for your own ticket. I don't want to fight about this but, it's not my fault you didn't go to work last week." I said it pretty gently, but it's true. H only made $178 last week when normally he makes $750+. I don't think it's fair that he blames me for him not paying his bills when he should have and could have gone to work.
H says, "I don't even have money for Jack in the Box, and you want me to pay for this." I said, "Well, I'm taking d3 to the Aquarium. If you want to come, you buy your own ticket. If not, I'll just take the two of us. It's her birthday, and I don't want to argue."

H was being really reluctant. What we decided to do was that tomorrow I'm taking donuts/ cookies to d3's preschool class for a half hour. Then I'm taking her to the Aquarium in the morning for a few hours. H didn't want to take d3 for lunch, so I'll take her for lunch and then go pick up H. The Discovery Science Center is having some Clifford exhibit (???) and it's only $10 a head, so H will pay for himself while I'm buying tickets for me & d3.

I hate that he won't pony up any dough for his own daughter's birthday. I'm sure he's spending money at all the bars he keeps talking about going to, and the clubs and whatnot. He has spent sooooo much money on his video games/ online games/ movies, and so much on his comic books & collectibles, and he won't pay $20 to come to the Aquarium of the Pacific with us.

I kept my cool though and didn't letr him push me into an argument. I'm bummed we're not going to the wild animal park, but that's okay. Maybe it's for the best that we don't spend all day long together. This way, we'll be hanging out for a few hours and that's all

Any thoughts on how I should act tomorrow??? DB says expect nothing, act as if and sound upbeat.

[cat03]

He's on selfish mode hon.

Always expect NOTHING, you don't have to act all chipper, as corny as it sounds just be yourself, be confortable in your own skin, decide from day break to have a great day with your d3 wihtout getting hung up on what H does/doesn't do.
I know deep in the LBS is the hope of seeing a glimmer of the WAS showing interest in coming back, it is hard not to read too much into things, so keep your expections low but your hope high, hope that you will be happy with or without him.

[darkestangel]

H posted a new blog tonight.

"I feel myself going back into my shell. When things first started happening, I felt I could stretch out, and see beyond the horizon. Now I feel myself, even if its true or not, retreating back to old habits. I feel myself just wanting to watch t.v. and hangaround the house all day. I didnt want to do that as much anymore (but I still enjoy being lazy as [censored]) I wanna go out and do things. I wanna travel eventually, even just going to see a movie still counts. But as W says, "I need to get my ass to work and get some money." SO, work shall have to be a big part off my life, cause money has a way of being a part of everything now adays. This sucks, I wanna be a bum, I just wanna get though life sometimes, I dont ask for much, food, water, shelter, and good friends and family. I just dont want to get caught up in expensive stuff and superficial lifestyles. I want a simple life, and a simple big screen t.v. with all the new gaming consoles and a few great games to play, and I'm good.... I'm good... I'm easy... not hard to pleas-y.."

Ironic, because what we had was a nice simple life. We had an amazing family, a comfortable apartment, good jobs, great friends and yes- even a simple big screen. He left us, and now that's what he wants. GO figure.

Any thoughts?

[cat03]

It is not about you hon, it is the depression, his inner demons not making him able to see the good things he has. During this past year I have tried to be the best loving, sweet understanding W of them all. We went on vacations, go out w/out kids, go somewhere real nice during special occasions, buy expesive stuff that H wants, etc etc. During C last week my H told the C how only his job kept him together, that outside of his job he felt he had no life.
Nothing you could do is going to fill that void, the void is not in his family, the void is within him.

Don't take everything he says as gospel, these are ravings of a sick confused mind. It is about his inability to give of himself and put others ahead of him, his selfishness.
I know it is not easy to take it personally, I myself have let my H's aloofness get to me, I felt selfconcious about my body (by the way, I'm in shape and look nice), felt I wasnt' pretty enough, didnt' have such and such as other women, constantly hoping my H would make me feel better about myself.

So, dont' let his lunatic remarks make you forget how beutiful and valuable you are.

[darkestangel]

Okay, so today is d3's BIRTHDAY! She is officially 3!

This morning, her & I woke up late and I took her out to her fave donut place. Then we stopped by her preschool with treats for her friends. I took her to Toys R Us, and bought a few things, then we stopped by my mom's house.

I got to H's mom's house around noon. We drove to Downtown Disney, to have lunch at the Rainforest Cafe. We walked around afterwards a bit, then took d3 to the Discovery Science Center, which she LOVED. We went back to H's mom's house, and hung out with MIL and SIL for a half an hour or so, then D3 and I left.

The whole day was pleasant. H and I enjoyed some friendly banter and jokes. We didn't have a single cross word between us. H paid for lunch, and I paid for the tickets to the science center, so it came out to about even. H never once beought up OW, for a change, which was good. He did joking ask if I had brought any men into my car, and I said, "I;m not dating any men right now."

Other than that, no OR talk at all.

At one point, he did bring up the fact that I deleted him from my myspace friends list. He kept bringing it up, and I kept sidestepping it. Like, he said, "I told Anthony that I couldn't believe that you deleted me from your friends list." To which I replied, "Oh, did Anthony tell you what was going on at his work?" and just completly sidestep the question. Finally, he directly asked me why and I said, "Well, this is what you wanted. Now you can live your life and I can live my life, and no one will get hurt by anything said online." I said it pretty simply. He seemed bothered by it, but didn't elaborate.


All in all, it was a good day. I'm happy we didn't argue at all, we didn't bring up anything even remotely related to OR or M or S or anything.

I didn't get any feeling from him, however, that we might be moving forward. There was never like, a time when we met eyes and shared a smile, or anything like that. He didn't hug me or show any affection. Not that I'm complaining. This was the first time we spent all day together since he split and we had a great time!

After we got to my MIL's house and hung out there for a while, H looked tired and was yawning alot. I said i would go and let him rest, and he said, "Well, I don't want you to go. I'm just tired." I remembered Dbing, about beating them to the punch when it's time to leave, so I said that I was taking d3 out for ice cream and we left.

It was nice to see MIL and SiL. We've always been close and MIl & I have had some good conversations on the phone since H split.

So that was my day. Better than I had hoped, in terms of us feeling comfortable around each other and enjoying our company. D3 had a blast. No arguing. Not bad, indeed!

[cat03]

YeY!!! you did so well :), very proud of you! and congrats on your little girl, 3yrd olds are so adorable!! glad you all had a good day.

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I didn't get any feeling from him that we might be moving forward
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Before you guys move forward together he must get out from the hole he's dug for himself. As I type this my H and I are planning a separation, we've been "piecing our M" for about 2 yrs, H never felt right, he came back too soon. Don't want that to happen to you, I thought I'd be able to make our home inviting and myself the perfect W, but it didn't really take because my H never resolved his issues and we ended up here, with him hating himself for his lies and deceits to me and to ow.

Your H must work on his issues and come to you with a resolve to work on the R with his all, not because it is convenient, he's broke or has tired of the life he lives now. Let me be an example, don't wish him back right now, he is not ready hon.

[darkestangel]

well said, cat. I needed to hear that, and am grateful for your advice! Thank you!

[darkestangel]

H came by to pick up D3. Usually, he walks in, hugs her, grabs some clothes for her and his mail, and takes off, only staying for a few minutes.

Today, he asked me if I saw the new Batman movie trailer, and when I said no, he went to the computer to find it online. I sat in the computer chair to watch it, and he stood behind me. After he grabbed some clothes for d3, I gave him his mail and he sat down to go through it all (which is a first, usually he runs out the door.) And then, when he left I gave him a handshake (which we do as a joke, because when he first left I had said that I felt uncomfortable hugging him, hence the handshake) and then he pulled me into a hug.

Small baby steps. He initiated a hug. My heart melted. I know to expect nothing, but even headed toward divorce, a hug was nice.