Friday is my D17's birthday. She will actually BE 17.
W tells me that we are going to 'hang out' friday and that on Saturday we're all going out to dinner because then her friend 'P' can come to town and go with us.
'P' is one of the 'you need to be happy' friends. The 'family friend' that the girls like and is always friendly to me, even though she's willing to support W when she yells 'divorce!'. Of course, in the past 10 years she has done nothing constructive AS A FRIEND OF THE 'FAMILY' to help keep us TOGETHER.
I don't like her being inserted into my family's affairs. W moves the birthday dinner to Saturday to accommodate her schedule? Without discussing it with me?
No. I told W that she and the girls could certainly go our for dinner on Saturday with 'P' but I wasn't going to go. I said we'll go our for dinner on D17's birthday FRIDAY.
So, we made a plan to go. D17 wanted to invite her boyfriend and I said 'sure!' because I like him. D17 said "I thought mom said we were going out Saturday because 'P' can make it then?" and I said "you girls will be going then too, so you get two dinners!".
She was happy, we're going to her favorite restaurant.
I'm happy because I don't have to deal with the presence of 'P' and W carrying on as if everything is peachy.
Maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I went upstairs and took a moment to tell W that I wasn't angry at 'P', but that when she and I and the girls go out together I always feel like the 'fifth wheel' since it's all girl talk. She thanked me for explaining that.
W asked me if I still wanted to go with her to the comedy thing next friday, and reminded me that the Band Boosters are having a casino night (which we already paid for both of us to go) next Saturday and did I still want to go to that. Interesting, it seems that she thinks I'm suddenly not wanting to do things with HER because I don't want to do things with 'P'?
The comedy show was a no brainer and I told her 'sure I want to go I like comedy shows'.
The Casino Night was a tough one. There is a good chance that her 'text messaging friend' will be there, probably with his wife. I was going to ask her if he would be there, and explain that if he was I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't ask his wife how she feels about the text messaging.
But, I knew I was angry tonight so I just said I wasn't sure, that casino nights aren't that exciting. But she said there was the silent auction going on (like we have money) and it might be fun. I left it open as a 'well maybe when I see what's in the auction I might be interested'.
I do NOT know why she seemed to want me to go to this thing. I DO know that she's probably feeling like I'm 'angry' and the 'energy is heavy' tonight.
All because I'm no longer going to just do what she wants me to do to make HER happy, if in doing it, it will make ME uncomfortable. And being around her girlfriend whom I have no respect for, or her married guy friend whom I want to punch out, will not be 'good' for me.
And I need to take care of myself. Because nobody else will, and nobody else can take care of me as well as I can.
Am I worried that I may push her away with these decisions? Yes, a little. But I have exposed myself to people and situations that have been uncomfortable to me for years, especially with this friend of hers. Not once has her friend 'P' apologized to ME for the role she played in our first divorce situation. She apologized to W for abandoning her as a friend when W decided to come BACK to me and not get divorced. 'P' wouldn't talk to her for a year.
But, she has never owned her responsibility in being part of that problem. I'm holding people accountable from now on.
By the way, that's something that my Counselor said to me when I told her the story about finding the text messages and telling W that her actions would end up hurting another family. C said "You didn't say anything about yourself Frank, about how it was hurting YOU. Instead you held her accountable for what she was doing and it's possible affects on another family". Yes, I did.
I've been held accountable for my choices. We're broke, stressed and now, getting divorce. That's being held accountable.
Yet I haven't really held W accountable for hers. I've fixed it, covered it up or blamed myself for her doing whatever she has done. Made excuses for her.
There is no integrity in that.
These are my N.U.T.S. :
"I do not socialize with W's friends who are not friendly to the marriage. I will not pretend to like them, that is a lie. I will stay neutral for my kids sake."
"I do not fix anything W does any more. I will hold her accountable for all the decisions she is making."
Respect and Honor. I am a good and decent man and I deserve to be treated as one. No matter what I have done that W holds against me, the bottom line is that at no time could SHE or anyone else say I wasn't a good man. Never.
