Today I went to the gym, first time since papers served. It was a brief workout, but it felt good to get back into it. When the papers were served I got a little off-kilter. I'm glad to be working back on now.
Saw my IC. She's a good steadying influence.
Felt really in control of my emotions today. I miss my kids and have been breaking down recently, sometimes without warning. Today I felt solid. Still miss em. But I'm staying in control.
Took care of a bunch of things I've been meaning to do. Sent out some thankyou notes for kindnesses people have showed me lately. Got some new tires for the car. Paid some bills.
Had a nice conv with W. She took the 4 kids out to a performance this evening. Everyone had fun and laughed. I'm glad. and I'm glad she shared it with me on the phone when we talked.
Bonus points: I also brought up a difficult topic with W - money. We have credit card debt of about 2 months salary (before tax). The interest and late fees are killing us. I withdrew some funds to pay the cc debt, but sent the paper check to the house, where I am not. The difficult topic is: I want that check to pay credir cards; I suspect she will look at her possession of the check as an opportunity for control.
I asked W if she had received the check. Yes. She's not interested in letting me have it, though. I explained what I thought we needed to do. CC interest is killing us. It's financially wise to pay off the expensive debt. She considered that, but still not comfortable releasing the check to me. I said, look, W, we need to move on this. We cannot afford the cc interest! (not arguing, just stating facts.) She countered - we still need to put food on the table, how are we going to do that? I said, the same way it has happened for the past 12 years, from my paycheck. (not condescending) She wants to talk to her attorney, asked if I could wait til monday. I agreed. "Sure!" (easygoing, understanding).
For me this is a huge victory. We had a pleasant chat about the evening, then I broached a difficult subject, and we DID NOT FIGHT. WOOHOO! We handled a conflict, and there was no BLOODSHED. WOW. Hallelujah! You might think I am joking but I am NOT. I am super excited about this. Having a fight that "worked." (Actually not a fight at all, just a discussion where we disagreed and yet did not get emotional.)
For me this was a conscious effort. I Thoguht about what I wanted before the call. The check was big, but what I wanetd was bigger - a calm conversation about something difficult. I thought before the call, that if she disagrees, I'm not going to get upset. I'm going to remain calm. And I did! yeehaw!
Ok, we also did not completely resolve the issue, but I am GLAD that it worked out the way it did.
On that last item - it is worthy of a little more examination. This is one of those baby steps I want to celebrate. Ironic, because I had wanted to just take care of the CC debt on my own. I told her what I planned to do and invited her to a discussion about it. I told her if I did not hear from her I would start paying the CC debt. Didn't hear from her. Then I withdrew funds, but inadvertentlysent the check to the house, where I do not live. Whoops! Mistake! I want to control that money...
Then I thought about it, and I thought - look, life is offering me a chance to demonstrate some real trust here. This is what I mean:
I saw a couple options - I could stop payment on the check. This is what my closest friend advised me to do. For sure that would look confrontational and demonstrate a lack of trust in her. She would get the check, and find out it was stopped. This is a lot of money so trust is a significant issue. Option 2; I could go raid the mailbox. Risky: I have no idea when the mail would be delivered, and I'd risk running into her. And if that were to occur, a likely confrontation, and again, my lack of trust would be laid bare. 3rd option was the one I chose - trust her and appeal to her sense of fairness without whining or suspiscion.
I called and told her to expect the check. I called again two days later (today) to ask about the check. It was obvious I was trusting her. I explained what I wanted to do - use those funds to pay down credit cards. I talked about it as if I were in control of the cc situation. I did not get defensive. I did not assign blame. I did not get tweaked when she refused to give me the check. Just all businesslike. And finally I agreed with her proposal to wait til Monday, even though it was not what I originally asked for.
This is a lot of money. but if I can risk it to demonstrate some positive trust in her, it is worth it! In a normal divorce with a lack of trust, there would be animosity and secrecy, and it would breed and magnify itself. But in this case I chose to take this as an opportunity to demonstrate trust. I feel like it turned out really well.
She cannot help but feel that I am trusting her.
(I think?)
more later.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
