ok, I'll finish my thoughts now from my counselor meeting.
C stressed to me the importance of forgiving myself because I was only 'ok' 80% of the time. She said that when she last saw me she was concerned that I was work out from the emotional weight I had carried for so long. 10 years worth. She had TALKED to W about how important is was to find ways to boost me up, to be supportive. She even gave her ideas.
One by one I put out my concerns and fears.
I asked her about the fact that I wasn't there for her, that I was in my anxiety and pain and then I started to drink at night just to not feel the hurt?
She said: Frank, you were someone who was emotionally and spiritually exhausted. She KNEW this because we talked about it. What did she do? She took you away on ONE trip and that's it. And what about her business? Is it big now? Last I remember she was working on a brochure of some kind to promote it. Is it done?
I said 'no', she didn't finish it yet.
C says "right, because she avoids doing things she doesn't want to do, or doesn't feel confident doing". She could have helped financially but it was 'too hard'.
She could have helped you through your sickness, and you were sick, but she waited for YOU to fix it. Would she wait for you to fix it if you had cancer?
I mentioned that W said she was not doing the traveling and teaching she wanted to do and said that was because she was either afraid I wouldn't trust her, or after a while she was afraid she couldn't trust me to take care of the kids while she was gone because I might drink.
C said 'so, she has a lot of excuses. When you were still 'ok' she can't do it because you don't trust her. Then when she stood by and watched you deteriorate she can't go away because she can't trust YOU. But NOW she can go because SHE needs to grow?'
I asked her to be honest about the situation and she said "Well, it's amazing how people will change their mind when the 'For Sale' sign goes up on the house, but I think she'll walk out the door this time because she has no clue what she wants".
C also said that she could see that I was the strong person I always have been and that as long as I stay around her in this current situation she's going to pull me down. Case in point - the 'be nice - pull away' stuff that W does. She said that will drain me and I can't allow that to happen to me any longer.
She said that she thinks she's doing the 'I want to be nice to each other' because she subconsciously wants to make sure I will still 'be there' when she is on the 'other side of the door'.
C said "you have got to accept the fact of a separation or divorce now or you're going to hang on, and it will destroy you. You're already half dead and you can't do this any more. BE SELFISH for one in your life."
She suggested that since we can't move apart, that I stick with 'coordial' and positive and keep in my heart the intention of her going because I CHOOSE for this to end.
Because, I need to be the Frank who has always been strong because I have 2 daughters who need me.
She said something interesting: "2 years ago D17 (then D15) said in counseling with her "I wish Mom would just leave already because the drama she puts into our lives is unbearable". C said she had never had a kid say that to her. What does that say about W?
C told me that as I keep in mind the way things played out, how I tried my best given the state I was in, that I can say 'God, I did the nest I could but I have to release this woman or I won't survive'. I did my best, with honor and dignity.
C thinks that I'll be ok. I'll get better finally and reclaim my strength and integrity. W will probably walk out the door once she finds a way to finance it, either with our money or some other way, and maybe I'll breathe a sigh of relief when she does because she isn't my responsibility any more and I can concentrate on being responsible for myself and my daughters.
C said that she wouldn't be surprised if after a year or so W tries to 'come back'. But, she says, I don't think you will take her back because you'll be happier by then.
I guess I was very surprised at her response. She felt that 2 years ago the work I did to help W come back to the marriage was needed to give us all a second chance. That she was being influenced by some really messed up dark forces and would have brought a lot of destruction on the family if I hadn't been selfless and done all the things I did.
And, C thought W had learned the lesson and was clear on what 'being supportive' really meant and that she had a responsibility to me and the kids to help me heal and get back on my feet after what I had been through.
But, C is saddened that it wasn't the case and says 'back then you were up to your elbows in Sh*t and it was hard to do what had to be done - but you did it. Now the Sh*t is only knee deep and you're a strong man who only has to carry himself now, and be there for his kids. Give yourself permission to let her go and let go of the responsibility you feel you have for her'.
I'm so tired. I secretly wish W would wake up and see what 'do the right thing' really means. I know what it means to me and I've lived it. But since that is just a 'wish', it has no chance of becoming real. Instead, I'm sad to say, I really just want her to go away. I want this cycle to end.
