well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[cat03]

I let him and his darkness go
===========================
I see what you are saying, you've put into words what I feel when I see H in one of his moods (which is most of the time), that part of me that wants to detach pulls at the other part of me that wants to play cheerleader and make things "allright" and make him happy.

he knows it subconsciously that he's still safe to treat you like sh!t and live this life on his terms. ---------------------------------------------------
and he has, has had no qualms at all about lying to me during our C sessions, as weeks went by of me holding so much hope and believing on him YET another time after i said "if you do this one more time..."

If he comes up with "i can't bring myself to tell ow the truth and stop thinking of only her pain" then that will be my signal to step out of this misery. SHe will never, ever leave him/us alone as long as she believes all his lies, that he will have an R with her after his D from the psycho wife, as long as he keeps trying to rescue her, which is something he wanted to do so badly last time we talked R. He will never truly try his all as long as he harbors ow as the innocent victim and doesn't have my interests in mind first.

It's day 3, C was cancelled, so is Friday's appt (H has court Friday) and C isn't available Saturday.
I'll try to contact him and see if he can see us anyways, or will try our other C, the one who saw right through him last summer and who warned me before Christmas about H's false earlier promises.
I really really wanted a C to be present while we talk. He calls me from work, talks a bit, we chat briefly, still calls me by my pet name at the end of his convos-- I don't, it just doesnt' come out, I always started our convos w/a happy "hey sweety!!", but now I'm like him when he came back in 06 'hey' or a simple 'hi'. I am not trying to be anything (aloof, coy) I dont' do mind games anymore, this is how I feel, and his talking to me "normal" can't make me think that he is feeling alright about us, he can just be being "nice" to spare my feelings. No expectations at this point, God is giving me strenght. I want HIM to do things right for me this time around, not the other way, if he still clings to ow then good luck to him, I dont' want to be around while he mourns her and disregards my feelings.

what he said/did or OW said/did. it's just fruitless and adds nothing to your life,
thank you honey, I was for a while trying to pinpoint when he said which lie to make up for the fact I contacted her and went to her place. You are so right, it adds nothing to my life, only brings me down, and I can't let that eat me.