We had a reasonably nice evening but he just doesn't listen to me when I say that I won't sleep with him again until I know he has broken up with her. I do want to sleep with him. I want to trust him. I just don't.
I've screwed it all up and can't get my message across as to what I need from him to feel secure. Now he's hurt badly - he loves me - he is just trying to get back with me in a wierd order of things. His g/f is away at th emoment and got back tonight. He's really upset now...I snooped on his phone (which he left out on purpose so i could see who he had been talking and messaging to)andwhile I was looking the woman he had sex with back in April called. She refused to tell me why she was calling and then hung up on me. There's no point me calling her back, as much as I want to hear her side of things, but she has a wierd view of things and I trust her less than h.
I just hope he doesn't do anything to hurt himself. He was crying on the phone. I can't run to him to make it better. He needs to fix himself. I don't think I am the person for him. I don't feel like I can be myself when I'm with him. I'm horribly suspicious and paranoid and I can't seem to shake it. He's not being particularly dishonest at the moment...it's just that he doesn't know what to say about anything because every subject has dangerous elements to it. He was nervous as hell tonigth he says, yet every second or third thing he said alluded to ML with me. It's flattering but I just wish he could leave off with it so we can get to know each other as people first. God ....this all sux and I feel numb. He hasnt' done anything wrong right now. He said he hasn't been with his g/f in three or so weeks. I want him to break it off with her and prove it to me. Problem is, I don't think that would be enough for me to let him back into my heart. I think it broke many years ago when he broke up with me because he needed space. I don't think I've really let him in since then. Man...that's f*cked up.
When he broke up with you because he needed space, many years ago, that was the chance he took. You were forced to put the first bricks in the wall around your heart. There are consequences that may take years to play out, but every time there are consequences it is a chance to learn. It took a while, but he kept adding bricks to that wall and now he gets that chance!
I'm not sure (since you asked) that he isn't the man for you based on your paranoia and suspicions. Of course you can't shake it. Only time and consistency (so I hear! Still working on that stuff myself) can get you through that. Together. Two of you. not Three.
You SHOULD have walls around your heart right now. As others you trust have written, this is the point he has to "crawl over broken glass for you" [thanks to poster who gave me that image long ago]. The hardest part is having one ounce of faith at this point that they will do so... or are able.
My final "detachment" hurdle, was getting past that fear. I was actually more afraid for SB at that point. I knew I had the tools and ability to move on and create a wonderful life for myself and my family. SB was ashamed, depressed, and going through the motions. I didn't think he had it in him to fix the hearts he had broken. I had to accept that he would wake up one day and find himself the saddest man at the bottom of the bottle. I "knew" losing me would be the biggest mistake of his life. I "knew" that one day he'd realize it, but it'd be too late. I learned though, that whatever the consequences, I was powerless. Posters here helped me. He wasn't letting go. I dropped the rope. Long story. Endless nights. We were 1500 miles apart and he went darker than ever at first. His parents, our kids, our friends... all were calling me telling me his VM was full and he wasn't answering the phone. I even gave OW's # to his Dad so they could call and determine he was alive.
If he's the man for you, he'll do what it takes. If he does what it takes, then you figure out if you love the man this experience has shaped him into. You are right. The order is wrong. If he isn't willing to risk being alone to get the chance to have his family back...
Anyway.
Turns out, I underestimated the guy. Or his love for me. Or something. I told him what he needed to do, step one was break up with the girlfriend. I remember my H actually asking me for advice about how to tell her! UGH. We shake our heads in disbelief now, but back then I actually told him to lie to her and tell her he had to try for the sake of his kids. Yeah. I know. I'm luckier than I am smart sometimes. I should probably put a disclaimer on any advice I offer-- I'm way better at knowing what to do than doing it.
I told him I had faith in him (cough) and restrained myself from asking him each night if he'd told her yet. I spent a lot of time thinking up things I could find to tell him I'm proud of him about during the "process" and did my best to be understanding of how hard it was for him to hurt her. I was empathetic, I told him I understood how hurt she'd be, of COURSE she loves you... you are so lovable and "I remember how I felt when I thought I'd lost you." Just acted "as if" this was just what had to be done.
Everyone's timeline is different, I'm sure, but the DECISION was the key. The commitment to TRY to save our family.
He was nervous as hell tonigth he says, yet every second or third thing he said alluded to ML with me... ================== he's hurt and in a hurry to make it go away in any way he can.
When did he said he'd break it off w/her? Until then, keep detaching, he is not ready to make a good decision yet.
He needs to fix himself. I don't think I am the person for him. I don't feel like I can be myself when I'm with him. I'm horribly suspicious and paranoid and I can't seem to shake it. ========================= I have been an enabler for so long, and have ended up just that, suspicious and paranoid about his every move, that is just NOT right. He prob is afraid to come clean w/the gf (just like my H right now). You have a good head on your shoulders, he does need to fix himself on his own, make it up to you by leaving all traces of ow behind and work on your issues before you open up your heart/bed to him again.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I just don't know what to do now. I'm thinking chasing after him will just result in the push me pull you thing we seem to have going. And 'going dark' will just send the message that I don't want to have anything to do with him. And quite frankly, in the short term, avoiding him would be the easiest thing to do. Long term however, divorce will make him a bitter and twisted man. And while I know I can grow and improve myself, my relationship with the father of our daughter will always be tense, narky and quite possibly always hurtful. I don't want that. I just wish he could take things real slow...he never does.
Step 1. Tell former g/f to bugger off for good Step 2. Break up with current g/f Step 3. Prove Step 1 and 2 to me Step 3a. Remain faithful to me Step 4. Spend time with d plan ahead with me, stick to the plan or problem solve to resolve difficulties, ring her every night/day to say hello and tell her he loves her Step 5. Be my friend. Don't try to ML with me every chance he gets. Step 6. Commit to weekly IC Step 7. Find a pro-marriage, solution based counsellor for joint counselling. Agree to pay alternate sessions with me Step 8. Help with finances, specifically, pay half of d's out of school care costs Step 9. Read some book about repairing marriages. websites, talk to friends whatever... just do some research! Step 10. plan dates...take into account cost of dates. Try to find things that are free Step 11. (maybe this should be Step 1) Be transparent about his doings. Step 12. Find and book us into a communication course
urgh...I'm sure there's plenty more but it's 2am here and I have a 6.30am physio appointment. Might not bother going to bed. Doubtful I would have a pleasant sleep anyway.
Hi Cat, you posted while I was posting so I didn't see this.
Quote:
[quote=cat03]He was nervous as hell tonigth he says, yet every second or third thing he said alluded to ML with me... ================== he's hurt and in a hurry to make it go away in any way he can.
Yup...I think you might be right. He wants it to be all good.
Quote:
When did he said he'd break it off w/her? Until then, keep detaching, he is not ready to make a good decision yet.
He didn't specifically say that he would do it and didn't say when he would do it. What he DID say was that he couldn't do it straight away because she wasn't even in town. (and tonight she sent him a text to say she had returned..so now she is back, but given what's happened tonight I cannot see that he will be hopeful of us getting back together)
I've been trying to call him. I think his phone is on silent so I don't know if he's not answering on purpose or if he just doesn't realise I'm calling or if he's hurting himself.
I left two messages. One to say that I hoped he was okay (I think...crap this is bad that I can't remember) and the second one to say that I wanted to apologise for over-reacting about the B thing. I do believe him about that....I just wish she would bugger off and leave him alone. btw B is the former g/f I referred to in above post.
I want to demand that he break up with g/f in order for me to give him a chance for us. I don't know if it will work.
It seems that he doesn't feel that he can be by himself. He was crying last night and rang me this morning to see what I had to say (I tried to call him quite a few times last night and sent him a long text which he said he deleted so I re-sent it this morning) and told me that he went back to her place because he didn't want to be alone and he couldn't come back here.
What do I do now? I know divorce looks temptingly easy right now on the very surface but the reality is that I cannot walk away from him completely. We have a little girl. I need to unturn more stones, he just keeps turning them back over to hide the grubs and not look to deeply into what is happening. Hmm...not sure about that metaphor.
I basically told him that I used him for sex the other day. Yeah I kinda did, but he was very very very persistent and wasn't taking no for an answer. I should have stuck to my guns and pulled out the "break up with her" line on that day. I didn't think to say that until the next day (or was it later that night? I can't remember).
I feel like pulling out the line..."Look, I was turned on. You turn me on. Would it make a difference if I used u for s*x or if I had s*x with a different guy?" Maybe that's a tad unfair...the truth is I wouldn't have s*x with anyone else at this point. I wouldn't bring another man around d for a start. I wouldn't feel comfortable to be that intimate with another man w/o a decent background first.
I think I just need to say to him. Look...either you want to give this a go in which case you'll break up with her. I will not talk relationship stuff or ML with you until you prove that she (and previous g/f) are out of the picture.
I think I just need to say to him. Look...either you want to give this a go in which case you'll break up with her. I will not talk relationship stuff or ML with you until you prove that she (and previous g/f) are out of the picture.
What do u think?
I think you have every right to set that boundary.
Have you spent some time thinking about what your life will be like, whether he comes back to make a real effort or not? What are the things you want in your life for yourself? What concrete steps can you take right now to get closer to having those things?
If he comes back, you are more the person you want to be, and you can share your improved life with him. If he doesn't, you will have done more than "worked on yourself," you will have brought more of the things you love into your own life, for you, for your daughter, and when the time is right, for sharing with some guy who will honor a commitment to you.
Self help and all that is fine, but it can become a cruel master. Accepting yourself as imperfect but still doing your best, which includes sometimes backsliding, is a much more relaxed way to live. If you're separated, if you're piecing, if you're divorced, if you're married, relaxing is better than stressing.
Happy Friday!
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I got them from snooping in his phone last night. He left the phone in his car and let me use his car to take the babysitter home. I was surprised to find he'd left it there...he hasn't left it sitting around for a long time.
After I read his text messages and found one from his current g/f saying she loves him *puke*, and seeing that he has a picture of her on his phone rather than our daughter and then receiving a call from the chick he got pregnant who refused to tell me why she was calling him and then seeing a message (just friendly) from another ex g/f I recently found out about I just went ballistic on him. He still told me he loves me and wants to be with me and said that he left the phone there on purpose for me to look at. I don't know if he meant to trap me or if it's his weird way of letting me see what he's been up to.
Man...am I stupid for even thinking about trying to get this marriage back on track...was it ever on track? Should I have never married him? Am I punishing myself by persisting in something I should have let go a long time ago because I didn't think I was worth more and therefore put up with less than stellar behaviour and put up with less than the compatibility that I yearn for?
