I think you need to ask your lawyer a few more questions:
1. Do I gain anything by filing first? 2. What if he files first, does he gain anything? 3. If I choose not to file right now, what is the best way to protect myself regarding cutdody and finances?
I'm all for saving marriages. It's just that the description of your husband creeps me out. Has he always been this cruel, manipulative and intimidating?
He's had occasional moments, but nothing like the past 2 months, because my guess is he longer views me as his wife but an obstacle to his being with his girlfriend I think, like a crack addict and you are keeping them from their crack. He's a sober addict and obsessed with her, either he is with her or texting her, and I think he just views me if I wasn't around then he could be with her all the time. Right now he just loves himself and the OW, and his kids maybe a tiny bit (judging by how little time he has been spending with them not that much). I've noticed he's virtually dropped running which was always his biggest passion, he was voted "Runner of the Year" by his track club last year and now he is barely running so he can spend time with her, stopped going to church, I'm afraid he may have stopped going to his AA meetings as well (that he's been attending for the last 20 years) all so he can have time with her.
My thing is that I've seen him go through a dozen "addictions" before, so I am still thinking that it may be possible that they break up, although I know it is equally possible that they may not. I wanted to at least try to give it a few more months to play out and see what happens with that relationship, I feel like I owe that to our kids and our 22 year relationship. I think my H is probably going to file in a few months anyway if their relationship continues, so I don't have to worry anyway, and then he will have that on his conscience as well as the affair. Karen43
When in the midst of her affair, my wife used to literally HOLD HER CELLPHONE OUT IN FRONT OF HER, clutched like a tiny bird between her two hands, just waiting for it to vibrate. It was pathetic, and it was sickening. We'd be at our boy's baseball games, and she'd be standing there, away from me and away from the other parents, just holding it, waiting for it to buzz with the sweet fix of a text message narcotic.
chocolate, we were at our parish picnic, just after mass, and as I was riding a ride with the girls, I looked over and H was on his cell phone, smiling a huge smile. We locked eyes, and I could tell he was soooo busted. I'll never forget that look. Definately in the throws of infatuation.....
Does that infatuation/addiction phase eventually end at some point--I mean I can't imagine that kind of addiction to someone-wanting to be with someone or texting them constantly lasting forever-wouldn't that eventually cool down or something? At that point, I'm hoping one or both of them will realize they have flaws, think about what they are doing with their marriages & kids, etc.?
Its partially ending for my H right now, Karen. H is seeing OW's flaws out in broad daylight and the picture of OW is not an attractive one. Now, whether that brings him back to me is another story. But the answer is, we have the numbers on our side. The other person is likely temporary.....
Glad to hear that lwb!!! No matter what happens I think that sounds like a good thing. I can't wait till this phase ends and I am hoping H will start acting a little more rational at least. Karen
The current affair, in all likelihood, will end. You have statistics on your side.
The problem is, unless the wayward spouse addresses the reason why they would have done such a foolish thing, and unless BOTH spouses address the conditions that might have led them to the brink, it's HIGHLY likely that it will happen again.
So I would encourage you to focus less on the current OW, and more on YOU, and on your MARRIAGE. The current OW is just filling the current role in the script.
In addition to Choc's comments, be aware that even if the A ends, there is a good chance that the WAS will consider the marriage too damaged to continue. I am going through this right now myself.
Work on yourself because YOU need to be happy with yourself. Secondary to this, you want to be attractive to the WAS. You want your H to see you as exciting, interesting, attractive - basically, worth the effort of trying to reconcile with. While you KNOW you're worth the effort, one of the unfortunate side-effects is that you are basically reapplying for the position.
My W has admitted time and again that she wasn't miserable and that our marriage was not in trouble before OM came around. Now that he's gone, my logical mind says "okay, let's pick up where we left off, heal from the damage and make this stronger." That's not the way it works I'm afraid.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
