We had a great time last night. H drove, so I drank. lol We talked on and on through the night, barely noticing what was happening around us. Amazing. We talked til we fell asleep. H slept in our bed last night. He looked very nervous about it, but I just played it off. He turned down Retro. I knew he would, but he was more open to hearing about what it was all about than he was before. We decided for sure we are going to Florida together last night, he was all chatty about our plans while down there. He asked if it was ok if we invited his brother and fiance, said 'We could use them as a sitter and get out alone'. I am totally fine with them going, think its a great idea.
OW is nuts/psycho, according to H. She calls/texts him all the time, even though he has asked her for space. She tries to make him jealous all the time, and it actually makes him the opposite, even repulsed. She wants H to 'flaunt' their R, go out on dates all the time, travel together, tell everyone, meet families. H said absolutely not to all of this, and he told her my feelings would always come first. That he feels bad enough how much he has hurt me.
All that positive stuff being said, he still answers her calls, and talks to her when he sees her. But there hasn't been anything physical between them for a long time. There is a lot physical with us these days, and he admits she doesn't know. She doesn't ask, he says its his business. Guess who has become the OW?? Me. He doesn't see a future with her at all, could never trust her. She pushed and pushed him into this (yes, he admits it takes two), but now he sees just what he fell for. His remorse for what he has done is very obvious, he sees how immoral he is being, he sees the hurt done to all of us. He speaks about it, he shows appreciation and value of me, and he has come a long way. We have a long way to go if this is going to work. I have to be honest and say I feel him sliding my way a bit. Please don't let me be crushed.....
H asked me to be honest, he said if I still wanted him to move out, he promised he would. I said "not right now". I explained 2 months ago, I was trying to escape the pain (hence, begging him to leave). He said he stayed for the girls and to try to fix things with us, to make us friends again, because (hello, did he read DB?) we had to be at least friends to get back to where we were.....
I could type on forever......
Michael, TAL, saffie, choc and all, thanks for the support.
Heartbroken, I love how you worded it that you fought so hard because of your kids, to avoid giving them any more pain.
theo, wow. Thank you for taking time for that. I have some responses....
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when you allow yourself to get inimate physcially and emotionally with someone, your body produces oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine and adrenalin which, in some sense, create a biochemical "addiction" to the OW. It's a love cocktail. Oxytocin is the real culprit here
Oh I can't believe you typed this. Just last night H said "I know what needs to be done (ending it), but I have to honest and say I am still coming down from a huge high of being wanted and pursued by her". You are amazingly on target, my friend theo.
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To justify these good feelings of his with the OW, he must have to view you negatively
He did this all summer. Very hurtful. But now I see your heart can't be in two places at once. He had to justify it somehow. Not Just Friends has a GREAT first chapter explaining this.
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he feels he's done so much damage, you couldn't possibly forgive him and move on
Not only this, but he thinks I am sooo done with him, and that I will never trust anyone ever again because of what he has done to me. I admitted to him that I have a lack of trust in men AND women these days. My little sheltered world was shattered this summer.
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If you divorce, it'll make for an easier relationship, if you reconcile, you are, in essence, making the road home smooth.
I am focusing on this, giving it time. I know my heart prays he comes home and I hope I am not completely crushed to the ground after all these little signs of hope.
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On on a more serious note, your situation reminded me of the passages in Proverbs where the young man is being warned to avoid the house of an adulteress. It speaks of her home being a lair, a trap, where his strength, hope, joy and financial well-being are being destroyed. Not only that, but his legacy -- the children -- are being deeply damaged by this. When I think of the destruction that divorce brings on people, I remember that the ancient wisdom of our fathers and mothers in the faith still speaks clearly and loudly to us.
