However, she never mentioned leaving before OM was around. What a coincidence.
Michael-SO true!! About a week before H decided to make his EA a PA (I know the dates now, didn't know then), I found out just how unhappy he was, and how it was all my fault..... And I can honestly say it was a complete shock.
I am new to this Board. Having some problems of my own. When I read these posts I cringe. These women apparently did nothing, and we are all so concerned about the husband? I find this unbelieveable. I'm afarid that sure wouldn't be my response if I found out about an affair. I just bought the book on Divorce Busting, although unsure that is what I want at this time. Am I missing something here? Is the women to just keep taking all the blame and cowering like a terrified puppy? Sorry, I just don't understand. Thanks for letting me add my feelings to this matter. Just had too. I wish you all the best.
so i screwed up and stopped dbing and my h backed away completely, not that he really changed. he has again stated that he does not see himself coming back. I have started a new job and i am moving into own place in a week or so. it is our d's first birthday today...so hard. please i need some inspiration to continue. My h has made up his mind and cast it in stone! is there any hope?
i'm not a professional... but from my perspective, it doesnt look good for you, for any chance at a "quick fix".
The guy runs away from the grown-up responsability of caring for a child... he thinks he's "a musician" and has found his own personal music groupie... Right now, doesnt sound like he is capable of being a mature person; he's running away from the responsability of a marriage and family. He already told you that you weren't doing anything particularly wrong. So, it would seem like he is running away from the situation of marriage and family in general, rather than running away "from you"
If somehow you convince him to "come back" tomorrow... do you think he would actually stay?
I'm not sure how you can convince someone, "it's time to grow up and stop being peter pan now". They have to decide that for themselves.
I think the best advice people can give you, would be: - Take care of you - Take care of your daughter - do REALLY WELL WITHOUT HIM, and be happy for your child.
If he eventually sees you doing well and being happy without him... he might reconsider, when seeing what he is missing out on. But if he doesnt.... then you will still be doing the best thing possible for your child, rather than moping around.
It is said that once they are faced with a "real" relationship, as opposed to a "secretive, hiding fantasy" type relationship, then it often disintegrates after a few months. If you continue to show yourself as a good choice to come back to, then perhaps he may choose you again, after the fun of the new romance wears off. But there are no guarantees.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom - Thanks for the reply. I am doing well all considered. Today was slightly different when h came to visit daughter. I left him with her and went to the shops. Came back and he finished his visit but was he was trying to be polite. first time in ages. Only problem is is that last time he was like that he dropped the D bombshell the next day in c. But today i did not pursue him and he started to ask questions about my new job and where i was going this afternoon etc. We left the house together and he waited for me to look at him so he could wave before he left - usually he just drives off. I know that all of this does not mean much, if anything at all but we are suppossed to look for the small changes.
Tomorrow is a big day in c. c asked h to identify if there is anything worth saving in our m let's see what he has to say.
Some advice. In C h said that he enjoyed having me as a companion, someone who made him feel safe. but he does not want that anymore. He feels nothing towards me and said that coming back to a marraige where he loved his d and not his w is not worth it. He said m is something between 2 people who love each other and does not involve children. C said he needs to see someone for individual c and suggested he see her one week and then as a couple the following. Is this a good idea? she keeps on telling him that he cannot make any decisions for a while and that he should focus on himself and do things for himself and d not for r.
What should i do? H also cannot face anything from the past right now, wont even help me move cos he does not want to help unpack boxes. He says he feels a huge amount of guilt. C asked if he is depressed and he said no other things make him feel good! Why wont he just admit the ow? does this sound like a MLC to anyone?
Oh hon, in his "fog", he doesn't know left from right, let alone any of the b.s that's coming out of his mouth. He will say the most terrible things he can think of, because in this state, he HAS to make you the bad guy. That's his only way to avoid the guilt, he's trying to justify all the reasons why he's doing what he's doing. His problems are so internal but he doesn't recognize that. He just knows that he's not right, so he's trying to make what's not right in his life about you. My H did (and does) the same thing, they re-write the history of your marriage where everything was terrible and no one was ever happy.
The best thing to do is to do your best DBing. Detach, do not persue and let him intiate all contact (besides baby-related). It's hard, especially in the beginning. But DO NOT call/ email/ text him, let him initiate all contact. Somehow, this makes them let their guard down a bit and in my case, H got friendlier. Not close, he's still distant, but he feels more comfortable around me and actually intiates contact now just to say Hi. Trust us on the board when we say that it is the BEST thing you can do in your situation. DO NOT PERSUE.
I am fairly new here myself, my H left about 6 weeks ago. I've been Dbing for 3 weeks or so, and although he shows no signs of coming home / working on our marriage, he is much more friendlier, all his hostility is gone, we can talk and joke around and for myself, it's given me back my dignity and sanity. It's a long process, but your H needs to go through this. There's little you can do to improve the situation except for improving yourself, and taking care of your baby.
*dated at age 12- 15 (me) and age 13-16 (him) *reunited at age 19 (me) and age 20 (him) *me 23, H 25 *married 3 1/2 years, 1 d *dropped ILYBINILWY bomb on 12/19/07 *moved out same day, PA with OW confirmed
thanks darkestangel for advice but i screwed up...h opened up to me for first time in ages. just chatted. i then asked him if this was all about ow. he replied once the papers are signed he will let their relationship continue to develop! I asked him about her boyfriend and whether h minded ruining another persons life and he just kept quiet. i told him that basically what he wants is to have papers signed so h can become open about a that has been happening anyway. I do so well with dbing until he opens up and then i screw up! I want to confront ow so much but everyone tells me not to but ifeel like a am cowering away from her. My c says that our mc is doing divorce counselling and that i should stop going because she is building him up so he can walk away with no guilt, i sit there and watch his therapy. She says i must say until he is willing to work on our m there is no point in mc. this is a huge gamble , what you think?
My h is full swing into the a, they are now dating (not confirmed by him ) i asked him what makes him think he is so special - she is a homewrecker and if she could break up a m what makes him think she wont cheat on him. i toldihm i thought he had higher standards.my h still says he does not want to come back.
