Quote: As far as what to bring up for your first session? I would think that C would take the opportunity to get as much background as possible. Be willing to share time with H talking - you two will have different takes on things. I would see if C has heard of SBT and has read some of Michele's books.
this c has as much background as you folks do..it is the c that I was seeing every week or ever other weed during the seperation so he is well aware of what went on..we didn't sit and bash h at anytime.. but tried to understand what we couldn't.
difference being c has only met h once and that was..well I don't know if it was a month ago or more recent but he has met him.
I did mention divorce remedy to him when I found it, even brought it with me to a session.
actually the c called today, he's had some cancellations and was hoping we could move our session earlier but can't..he just called back to verify the original time is ok and inquired if h would still be comming with me this visit...I let him know I was a bit nervous about it and he said...we will do our best to make the time usefull.
I don't intend to negate any of what h has to say...I will do my best to let his voice be heard and for him to express his feelings both past and present without defending myself.
I so want this to be a productive encounter.
I suppose it's normal to feel nervous about it...
things seem to be going very well despite the lack of "sex" so I don't want to stir things up or go there and find that h isn't happy and is just "faking it".
My advice? 1) Validate, validate, validate 2) I think it's okay to mention that you would like to have sex more often, in a non-accusatory way. When things were bad in my R (I didn't know then that H was having an affair) I actually got H to agree to a set night of the week (he wouldn't agree to two ) in front of the counselor. That way I wouldn't feel rejected all the time. Well, I made sure those nights were really something special - and before long, even though H was still really confused and thinking he wanted a separation, there was a part of him that was thinking "gee, if I leave her, I'll never have sex this good again!".
Now, there were a LOT more factors involved in us getting back together, but the sex didn't hurt!
well I can tell that going to c with h is going to be very difficult (at least in the begining anyway)
h comes off as very self righteous, overly confident, indifferent...etc...
get a lot of "that's just the way I am" that attitude isn't really conducive to getting what you want know is it.
I know you want more this or more that...but "that's just the way I am"
we have another appointment in a few weeks...
the kids and I leave for florida next week..h isn't comming that I know of..so that will be a week for him not seeing me or the kids..perhaps that will change his attitude a bit.
lately h has been working during the day then immediatley upon ariving home works out in the yard til 8ish...c asked what the plans were for the summer...when he was going to make time for fun? h "that's just the way I am" attitude of getting things done...
Quoting lostlove: get a lot of "that's just the way I am" that attitude isn't really conducive to getting what you want know is it.
I know you want more this or more that...but "that's just the way I am"
Can I ASSume that H. is not a C-kind-of-guy? Did he have this stance when you guys were going before (I think you mentioned you saw this C. during your Sep?)
Anyway, stinks to be on the receving end of "not changing...like it or lump it" -- guess I'd ASSume that H's posturing could be a defense mechanism -- it I go into it saying I'm not changing well, who can blame me if things don't get better? If I fail to give her what she wants/needs not because I don't want to but because I CAN'T (don't know how, might fail, etc)?
What if you just embraced EXACTLY the way H is? Let him know in words and action that he is AOK in your book? I was thinking of this the other day in regards to your H's lack of "physical touch" -- what if instead of letting him know you want more you let him know that what he IS giving you is great? Feels great?
Not trying to be "unvalidating" by leaping to "what if you did this...".
So then the point of C would be to identify more of the things that work for both of you...?
I think you're going to get more of what you want...there's a part of me that thinks you may have to let go of wanting it first, though. (Does that make sense? Probably not.)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
let me clarify that I do appreciate h comming home early or at least wanting to come home..thing is it seems that he wants to come home early to get to work in the yard...or can't wait to hit the couch and watch fox news..I hear very little if any...I can't wait to hang out with you, I miss you, let's do something together etc.
it seems h is the way he is and that is just that. h will continue to do what he does...what he wants to do and that is just that...yes now h will accept an invitation to go out if I ask...yes h will now ask me to sit on the couch with him (because I've made mention of wanting it) but h does very little to go outside his box.
maybe I'm wrong to think that a spouse should try to go outside their own box for the other...maybe I'm just an insecure sap who continuously goes outside her own box to please her h..I will do the things he likes (like sitting and watching fox news) so that I can spend time with him..but it seems h is always reluctant to do anything that is out side his box...thing is I had accepted h is h and there are things he likes to do and things he doesn't...then to discover that h can sit and talk with a woman just not me, that really hurts.
I'm tired of not feeling good enough for h. I'm tired of feeling unatractive around h. I'm tired of feeling like maybe h should have stayed away and persued his life with little miss cancer. I'm tired of asking for what I want and being met with...so youre not happy, so what I'm doing isn't enough, so we're back to the way it was before...no matter what I do it's just not enough for you.
I just don't know if h learned anything at all while he was away...
amazing how when h first came home he was a different man...he was attentive to my needs...we played darts at his initiation, I got massages, I got funny phone calls telling me what song was on the radio, I was walked to the door when I went out and given a kiss that begged me to stay home,
either h doesn't get it or I don't get it.
no I am not misserable with h..I am happy with h...could I be happier...YES!! is h capable of giving me what I want?? YES...does h choose to give me what I want...only when it's convenient to him!
no I am not misserable with h..I am happy with h...could I be happier...YES!! is h capable of giving me what I want?? YES...does h choose to give me what I want...only when it's convenient to him!
Ain't nobody here on piecing that can't relate to this (well...let me speak for myself -- I can sure relate to this). It's awesome to have the WAS back home...and eventually you get to the point where there sheer presence isn't enough...gotta be more there.
So..in true DB'ing fashion...I'm wondering about how you want to get what you want...in other words, it seems like what you guys have been doing isn't getting you what you want...what DOES work? What DOESN'T? What could you be doing differently?
Quote: amazing how when h first came home he was a different man...he was attentive to my needs...we played darts at his initiation, I got massages, I got funny phone calls telling me what song was on the radio, I was walked to the door when I went out and given a kiss that begged me to stay home,
Is there a clue here? If you think back to that time, what was different? Was it truly just H. grateful to be home? Was it you grateful that he was home? What else was different?
Quote: I'm tired of not feeling good enough for h. I'm tired of feeling unatractive around h. I'm tired of feeling like maybe h should have stayed away and persued his life with little miss cancer. I'm tired of asking for what I want and being met with...so youre not happy, so what I'm doing isn't enough, so we're back to the way it was before...no matter what I do it's just not enough for you.
{{{LL}}}
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
So..in true DB'ing fashion...I'm wondering about how you want to get what you want...in other words, it seems like what you guys have been doing isn't getting you what you want...what DOES work? What DOESN'T? What could you be doing differently?
wish that I knew...seems the best way is to just let h do as he pleases and be happy that he's here...kinda sucks for me that way. feel used...the obligatory factor in his being the good guy..doing the right thing...being there for his "family"
Quote: Is there a clue here? If you think back to that time, what was different? Was it truly just H. grateful to be home? Was it you grateful that he was home? What else was different?
what was different then?? h had been out of the house for over 6 months...during the seperation we had little to no contact with eachother other than shift change when he'd come to visit the kids..he'd come I'd leave got to a point where I'd return and he'd be asleep on the couch or in bed with son and would wake in the middle of the night and leave.
when h first came home...it was all new again...I still didn't always answer the phone and accepted the fact that he wouldn't be here certain nights..I was distant and supportive and understanding of him and his needs and put my own asside (though the physical touch need was being overly met by him then he couldn't get enough of me, guess he was making up for a dry six months)
h has yet to ask me to go out...he will say that we've gone out and yes we have but not once by his initation.
h has stopped inititating sex (well ok it's been almost two weeks)
h has yet to ask me to put my rings back on.
h still doesn't with any regularity tell me he loves me.
I sent myself flowers damn it!! added a card that said simply...you are special...you'd think h would take a clue from that?? NOPE. maybe I should send myself some more!!
the kids and I are going away for a week...and honestly I don't even think h will miss me..sure he'll miss the kids..he'll miss going into their rooms at night while they're sleeping and putting their blankets back on them..but will h miss me?? no, h will be happy that he can come home to an empty house...work out in the yard til 9..take his shower and plop himself on the couch to watch fox news or sports and not feel like he has to spend time with his pittiful little wife. he will be happy to have me away!!
I'm tired of thanking h for comming home. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy and that it's just enough that he came home.. I'm tired of letting h have all he wants... I'm tired of the whole mess... I'm tired of being the one trying... I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one that bends.
maybe I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place!! h apparently didn't want to marry me..he simply asked because it was the next step.
h has no idea how I feel about what happend...h has no idea how insecure this has made me feel...h expects me to be as indifferent and overly confident as he is...ya right if I were as indifferent and overly confident as him I'd have a bf and not tell him about it!!
h will never change...he will always do what he wants when he wants and not consider my needs. h has been this way for far to long...I married him knowing that was the way he'd be with me so why should I expect him to be any different now that I know it is possible..why should I expect him to be in love with me..to have the desire for me to be around?? that is for little ms cancer...he just felt bad for his pittiful little wife and sorry for his son who were hurt by his leaving...he cares about me sure...but he does not have "it" for me and I'm tired of trying to be "it" for him...the more I try the less I feel like I have "it" for him!!
) in front of the counselor. That way I wouldn't feel rejected all the time. Well, I made sure those nights were really something special - and before long, even though H was still really confused and thinking he wanted a separation, there was a part of him that was thinking "gee, if I leave her, I'll never have sex this good again!".