Thanks BND....not sure that my patience is my strong point now...but I am still standing. I have to say that I really don't do too much for myself. Between work, the house and kids...there is not alot of me time (that and the fact that I have very little money). Was thinking of maybe taking a cooking class...but need to wait until after swim season.
Work is having an employee health day on friday sponsored by our insurance company. They are paying a small bonus to attend and then little bonuses to attend sessions after Friday (like excercise and cooking). SO I think I am going to dive right into that for now. What could be better....doing something for me and earning a little while doing it.
Anyway, H has been pretty active texting and calling the past few days. He had to work last night and couldn't come to d12's meet so I really didn't see too much of him this weekend. He did call early sunday to see what was up and hurried up to see d12 before we left. Part of me hopes in the back of his mind he is hurrying to see me too, but who knows.
Anyway, I am a huge Giants fan, and h tm'd me right after the game telling me how happy he was for me. He was still at work. He said he had been thinking of me during the game.....whatever. Expectations "0". He did also send me a few tm's during the night but i was short and brief and went back to bed.
He then called me first thing this morning at work confirming the time of d12's orthodontist appt. today. He is taking her. He then has counseling. I joked around with him to stop for Indian take out on the way back (it is on the way) and he said he will see how much time they have. I told him I was teasing....
Part of me wonders what he wants (suspiciously) that he is making so much more contact. I know the listing expired on the house....but I said something to d12 about the house the other day, just in conversation, and she said it is not for sale anymore. I didn't say a word to her or ask her any questions about her remark....but filed it away. Who knows, all this niceness from h...he could spring a contract on me and just trying to manipulate me.
Guess we shall see. I truly can't waste the time figuring him out. Just gonna go with the flow for now. It can be so confusing.
Thanks BND....not sure that my patience is my strong point now...but I am still standing. I have to say that I really don't do too much for myself. Between work, the house and kids...there is not alot of me time (that and the fact that I have very little money). Was thinking of maybe taking a cooking class...but need to wait until after swim season.
Work is having an employee health day on friday sponsored by our insurance company. They are paying a small bonus to attend and then little bonuses to attend sessions after Friday (like excercise and cooking). SO I think I am going to dive right into that for now. What could be better....doing something for me and earning a little while doing it.
Anyway, H has been pretty active texting and calling the past few days. He had to work last night and couldn't come to d12's meet so I really didn't see too much of him this weekend. He did call early sunday to see what was up and hurried up to see d12 before we left. Part of me hopes in the back of his mind he is hurrying to see me too, but who knows.
Anyway, I am a huge Giants fan, and h tm'd me right after the game telling me how happy he was for me. He was still at work. He said he had been thinking of me during the game.....whatever. Expectations "0". He did also send me a few tm's during the night but i was short and brief and went back to bed.
He then called me first thing this morning at work confirming the time of d12's orthodontist appt. today. He is taking her. He then has counseling. I joked around with him to stop for Indian take out on the way back (it is on the way) and he said he will see how much time they have. I told him I was teasing....
Part of me wonders what he wants (suspiciously) that he is making so much more contact. I know the listing expired on the house....but I said something to d12 about the house the other day, just in conversation, and she said it is not for sale anymore. I didn't say a word to her or ask her any questions about her remark....but filed it away. Who knows, all this niceness from h...he could spring a contract on me and just trying to manipulate me.
Guess we shall see. I truly can't waste the time figuring him out. Just gonna go with the flow for now. It can be so confusing.
Mopsey, I think it's a wonderful idea if you take some of the classes being offered by the insurance company. It'll give you something to think about and also line your pockets just a little bit.
As for the house listing, I wouldn't be too concerned about it. It's not for sale right now, so enjoy living there and being comfortable. I suspect it won't be going back on the market unless you want it to.
Your h is a very confused mess. It's going to still take lots of time to straighten him out and thus far, he's been a fairly decent sort of man, considering what he's going through. Some of them really do get nasty and tight w/funds. Your h is still very much attached to you and will do most anything to get your attention and to let you know that he still cares in his own way.
Mopsey, it's very important that you take care of yourself. Your patience is growing thin and that's why you need to focus on something else. Standing isn't easy and that's why it's important to take mini breaks for yourself. A cooking class sounds like fun and just think of all the things you'll learn in it. Jot the class down on your list of things to do. I think it would be good for you to get out there and meet up w/new people and discover a different world in the land of cooking. I understand that you'll need to wait until the swim meet season is over, but that shouldn't be much longer.
Mopsey, you have to take care of you. No one else can do it for you. Your h isn't able to help himself, much less help you. I wish that he would get himself together and come home, but he's still a mess and only he, the man upstairs and the therapist can work this out for him.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Cinders...my expectations have to be at zero. I journal here so that I can reread all of the peaks and valleys of this ride as not to get my hopes up....for every peak there is a valley. My H had lots of spew during the first year of the crisis. It was so bad I can't even think about it because it hurts so much. I pray that he doesn't return to that...but you never know.
Snodderly, thank you for your words. I pray that he gets himself together but....you are right, it is out of my control.
Journaling:
H took d12 to the orthodontist yesterday. When they got back he left for his counseling appointment. As he left he asked if I had eaten and I had not. He said not to eat and he would be back.
H called after counseling. Sounded a little down but asked if I wanted something to eat. He asked if I wanted Indian, as I had joked before. The restaurant is 20 minutes away (closer to the orthodontist...than home) and I told him it wasn't necessary for him to drive that far but if he wanted to that would be fine.
He did. We had a late dinner and watched tv with d12 until she went to bed. S15 stayed downstairs away from H. Still no movement on that front. When d12 went to bed H left. I went to bed shortly after....woke up this morning to a tm from H wishing me a good night and to stay warm...I must have slept through it.
I did tm him this morning thanking him for taking d12 and for dinner. His reply was brief.
We shall see what the week brings. H does look so tired and so sad. Don't know if this is the face he puts on for me or what. I pray to God his counselor helps him.
So, I will let last night go. Won't read anything into it as I don't know if it was a manipulation tactic or a way to show he cares. I will just leave it as dinner....nothing else.
Mopsey, May I offer up a suggestion? Please take some time and read all of SteelersFan's postings. Her husband's behavior has been somewhat like your h's. I think you would find her postings of great interest to you.
Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Journaling: Yesterday things caught up with me. I woke up not feeling great went to work...and came home early. When H showed up to see d12 after school he was suprised to see me.
I was laying down and he came in to be with me for a bit. Kept asking if he could do anything for me or get anything for me....but I was ok. Thanked him...but was ok. He seemed concerned (although did check his phone...incoming tm...probably MOW), but whatever.
I slept most of the afternoon and into the early morning. I did get a tm from him around saying he hoped i was feeling better. I was too tired to respond.
I was on the computer in around 2 am when he sent me a tm telling me he was thinking about me and hoped I was ok. We tm'd for a bit and he called to see if I was ok. He couldn't sleep. Said it was stress and restlessness. Whatever. This is the life you left me for (thought to myself).
I told him i was working through lunch today and he offered to bring me something from the restaurant since he was delivering today. He did come by a little while ago with soup and a sandwich. Whatever....zero expectations.
So, just keeping track of my peaks and valleys. Not sure where H head is or heart. Don't know if this is progress or if he wants something from me. Guess God will let me know in time.
Mopsey, I hope that you are feeling better soon. Sounds like stress and maybe a bug going around caught up w/you.
There's no telling what is going on w/your h right now. However, I am going to offer up a suggestion--accept him for who is right now. Accept all of the kind gestures for what they are and know that somewhere deep down, he does still care for you. None of us can say on what level that caring is right now, but it means an awful lot to him to be there for you. Trust God and allow him to do all of the work to help your h along his journey.
Take a break from mlc and take care of yourself for a change. If he offers to help in any way, accept his offers and allow him to help you. He needs to know that you are there and still need him to help once in a while. You are very lucky that he still wants to assist in many ways.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are so right. I really don't know what the heck is going on with H right now. He tm'd me a lot this week. I didn't see him until yesterday at d12's swim meet and he barely spoke two words to me. I just let him be. He sighed a lot and actually closed his eyes for a bit during the meet.
Anyway, after the meet i told him he was welcome to come back to the house if he wanted. He said he didn't want to upset s15. I just let it go.
Later in the evening i sent him a tm asking if he was ok. Probably not a good idea, but i wanted him to know i think about him and was concerned. His reply....doesn't matter.
I told him it mattered to me and i was here for him if he needed. He said that he was sure I was relieved that i don't have to deal with him....my reply was that i didn't feel that way.
He sent me a few more tm's....and h asked how i could still care since "I (H that is) ruined your life and the kids lives. I didn't know how to respond. I asked if he still had the faith stone i gave him. I told him i keep one by the bed that says hope. I told him that i have hope and faith.
H then said that doesn't change the fact that i ruined your lives and it can't be undone. I told him i was sorry he felt that way but i still have hope and faith.
H then said "who i am is not what you want. Not what anyone wants. there is nothing to have faith in". I told him i have faith in him and he said "after all of the terrible things you think i did. why...don't you deserve better."
I told him i deserved him....that was better. He said "deserve a fat lazy lying cheat who can't get a real job. don't you think you serve better."
I ended it by saying again i deserved him and wanted him. Bad dbing. I have not heard from him since. That was around 9:00 last night.
I know R talks are bad but i don't know how to classify this. Don't know if he was thowing a pity party and i was the invited guest or if he is testing the water. I really can't get a read on it. Don't know if this manipulation or if he is taking my temperature.
I know H had some issue with work yesterday. Don't know about MOW. I think he has a job interview today...(although not sure if he kept the appt.) and he is headed for counseling this afternoon.
Does my H really believe that too much damage has been done an it can't be fixed? I wish someone had the answer.
mopsey, do you read many other threads? Go to the Songs that touch our Hearts thread by Cinderellaman and read the post by favoriteweirdo. I think it says a lot about how your H is feeling.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
