Hard not to be impatient is a big understatement. However, I can. It's just difficult. I am more hopeful than before the 2.5 hour talk/visit.
Lot of work to do today, so mind didn't drift into thoughts about WAW. But with work done and about to get 5D, kind of brings it all back. Still better and better detaching.
I think the hardest thing for me is that it all seems so simple now. The positive 180's and changes in my life eliminated so many problems, things I may or may not have even known, in my life and thus our R. Just got to be patient, she is looking, but she is so down now. She'll have to get that smile back ... one day...
Its funny/ironic how down and depressed a WAW gets when this is what they think they want. My is clearly not happy and I wish I could make it better. But, I can't.
Patience is very hard for me as well. Look at this as a learning experience. I figure after this we'll have patience for just about anything in the future.
Thanks Wooglint, she is so down that her comment, "I don't want you to think you have a chance", is almost like saying 'I am so down right now that I cannot do anything.' 2.5 hours later, I am still there enjoying a pleasant and enjoyable time with WAW. I do not think she even wanted me to leave, especially when I said I had to go like 5-6 times and she'd talk or show me something else.
It's really kind of weird. I am so confident in time she will change her mind. Perhaps, it's because of the 180's and realization in my life. I am just not the person nor do the things that I did before. And I never will. And best of all, she is looking and noticing.
Unless WAW contacts me, I am going to leave her alone 2-4 weeks then initiate some sort of "friend" contact...like movie, coffee, eat at deli...with no R, no us, no expectations, just "friends" meeting. She said she would like to call me sometime just to talk about how her day. She said she doesn't want things awkward. Seems to me something simple would break that awkward ice.
She said she doesn't want things awkward. Seems to me something simple would break that awkward ice.
Awkward is more about how you interact, rather than what you interact over. Something simple like coffee can be difficult if you're both just sitting there and looking at each other with nothing to say.
The awkwardness will come and go - You might get together and have a good day, then you'll do it again and it'll be horrible. Particularly if she is very unpredictable you might have to have a plan to duck out quickly, or find a way to introduce some common subject into the mix without sounding contrived. It's hard to do - You kind of have to just figure it out as you go
Had a friend from out of state come by yesterday. He really tore me down. I haven't talked to but a few people, that want to talk to me, about current sitch. I really do not talk to anyone else about it and am just myself. But he blasted me like I had been ruining their world constantly about it. Tore me down, really made me feel like I wasn't detaching well, ruined my PMA and it really hurt. And oddly, made me feel like I have less of chance despite my desire to reconcile. Just so negative. Should have told him to leave.
I sure would like to know what to do. She said she would like to talk on the phone someday about her day, blah blah...she is so down right now. I know that until she gets out of funk nothing will change. Seems like after a 2.5 hour talk there has to be at least a glimmer of hope. After 11 years of marriage +4 more dating and a 5D, I just wish I could get a change and I do not know what to do.
That's friends for you. It's much easier when you are on the outside looking in. That being said, it's doubtful that you are detaching nearly as well as you think. For example, what if you read something she wrote about how she only said she'd like to talk so it didn't hurt your feelings, but in reality she'd prefer never talking to you again. Would that affect you? I bet it would. What if you found out she was seriously dating? Would that be a major blow? If you absolutely knew there was no hope, how would you handle it? Those are harsh things, and I'm not saying I wasn't guilty of the same thing, but our friends on the outside sometimes see reality a little more clearly than us. We grab on to 2 1/2 hour talks and make it out as though our spouse is inches away from reconciling with us. We say, "but she smiled at me, isn't that a good sign", when we really can't know where they are at.
Truly detaching is deciding how you intend to be and how your life is going to be, and your spouse isn't part of the equation. You can hope she'll appreciate it and want to be part of your life, but it really will go on fine regardless. I don't know if many actually reach that point.
Sorry you felt tore down. You have to understand that he thought he was being a friend by telling you to move on and that you are too hung up on her.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yeah, hadn't talked to him since before thanksgiving. You are right in some aspects, maybe I am not detaching enough. I am doing things that I know destroyed me and thus my M. Therefore, these changes will allow me to life a full life w/ or w/o WAW. So, I am detaching in this respect well. But, I do not want to be without her. And I do think about her or what to do to much. It would be a blow if she dated or something. I do not think she is inches away from reconciling just because of 2.5 hours. I just fell to many things are just not as cut and dry as move on w/o WAW. Like her being really down, missing me as a friend, would like talk someday about her day, wanting things not awkward, and really just not being completely disinterested and ugly to me. It would be simple to just say get your stuff, sign or i'll sue, I don't want to talk, blah blah...
I am going to try not to think about friend thing much. He had a WAW and he gave up the day she left. I just cannot do that. I love her too much.
Thanks againJust_Me - I needed to hear it from a DB point of view. You kind of nailed it. I need less empty moments in my day.
Day is steadly getting better and better. I guess all it takes for me is coming up with a small plans. So, to speak what to do's.
So here's my list of small plans some about R some not. 1) Work hard during day so I can have sense of accomplishment. In Short, be happy at work. 2) Thought of things to do with 5D tonight, dinner, movie, etc. 3) Going to look at some real estate today. Really looking forward to that. 4) I need to re-read DR. If nothing else, read chapter 11 - Dealing with the Depressed Spouse. If mine is not depressed, she is certainly very down. She wasn't 4 months ago, maybe not until x-mas, but she is now. 5) Consider e-mailing WAW and try to be understanding of her schedule and offer to swap 5D days. 6) Think ahead a bit at the things I am planning to do such as movie and dinner on my B-day. Gives me something positive to look forward to doing. 7) I am going to get tickets for a concert or comedy show in Feb to give something else anticipate. 8) Remind myself that I am GAL and 1-person uninvited visits/comments should not ruin or dampen my dreams or hopes. I am more sure of myself than that. I know I am doing the right things. It does not matter what everyone else thinks I should do about my sitch. I am confident. Doesn't matter what they think or tell me to do when I do not ask for it.
And I really appreciate the help I get here. There was a time I couldn't have made it any length of time without reading anything here to help. Now, I know I can.
4) I need to re-read DR. If nothing else, read chapter 11 - Dealing with the Depressed Spouse. If mine is not depressed, she is certainly very down. She wasn't 4 months ago, maybe not until x-mas, but she is now.
The depression part is tough - My W has been suffering from major depression for at least the last six months; probably much longer.
Is your W on anti-depressants? Mine is, but it's like spitting in the ocean. Doesn't seem to be really helping her as much as either of us would like it to.
