I am taking advice that I gave some other guys on the board, which was "Who would want to be around you when you are like this?" and being more positive and happy.
I also am internalizing that I do not 'need' my W's love to survive. I would like it, but I don't 'need' it. I will be fine without her, and maybe even better than fine. There are indeed many sweet, caring women who don't need to be 'taken care of' and can balance my personality better than she has. So, eventually I will find such a person when I least expect it.
Thinking this gives me strength because it helps me to see that maybe I'm not broken, and that I can shake off the mud and clear my head and heart again. I can succeed again.
So, I work to keep an attitude of 'my life is getting better because I choose to make it better'. Around W I maintain that positiveness, and I talk to her with an upbeat tone.
When I see certain behaviors from her I am not taking them to 'mean' anything, or I am striving to stay indifferent.
For example, last night she rolled over towards me in the middle of the night and her hand came to rest on my heart. I was awakened by this and reacted by holding her hand. But, after about a half minute I took my hand away and to my side. She still lay there with hers on me for another minute or so then moved away.
At first I was thinking it was a subconscious action by her, but instead I thought about how little it means. She rolled over, I was there, that's it.
This morning while I'm eating my breakfast she's kind of 'standing around' and seems happy today. Then she starts 'dancing around' like the other day, a little sashaying type thing. She's right across from where I am sitting eating. No music is playing.
In my mind I'm thinking "Is this for my benefit?". Don't care, and I look at my cereal bowl instead of at her.
Indifferent.
Later she starts telling me all about this 'energy work' she's doing with some friend of hers and how it's rebuilding her brain paths and stuff.
She says "So if it seems like I'm distant or anything it's because I'm going through a lot of introspection"
So I think "ok, why do you need to tell me this? Why do I care if you're 'distant'? Why do YOU care what I think?"
I validate and say "that sounds great, I'm glad you're getting something out of it." She suggested I try it also and I said that I might since it seems to be helping her.
She's gone to do the next session of this 'energy work' today. Hope it helps her get some clarity about real life. Who knows.
I'm seeing my counselor today finally. Boy will she be surprised to hear the story. I'm going to tell her to help me fix ME with the goal of detaching from W for REAL. I think she can be helpful. We'll see.
Doing my best to keep my attitude focused on positiveness, letting go of W, and allowing myself to be happy.
Sometimes I get the pangs of anxiety and hurt, but a lot less now. I think that is partly due to the change in my diet and the supplements I've been taking. They said it would take a couple weeks to see a change and it's been that long now.
