So I mentioned I am going to hang out with the neighborhood guys tonight (to play some cards, watch sports, etc.) Well, the OM is on the email invite list. What sucks is that I AM the one who introduced him to all MY friends. It makes me mad that all of MY GOOD friends are none the wiser about what a #$!% this guy is, and that he remains on the invite list for all of the stuff going on with MY friends and neighbors. The only reason he was ever there was because I invited him in the first place (before I knew he was an adulterer of course.)
I can't get away from this guy. He drives past my house everyday on his way to work. I am going to see him at the pool this summer. He is in some of the same circles of friends I am in. Drives me nuts. If this works out with my W, then either he or us will be moving.
Hey TMB, Sorry about your sitch. I don't know what I'm going to say/do when I see OM for the first time. He has periodic business where I work, so it will definitely happen at some point.
Regarding the earlier posts, I've been doing what DR suggests - trying different approaches that people suggest on the board and seeing what works/what doesn't. Ultimately, though, I think you just have to find a way to relate to W on a casual, confident level while maintaining your dignity. She's got to make the decision herself to recommit.
Hey TMB, Sorry about your sitch. I don't know what I'm going to say/do when I see OM for the first time. He has periodic business where I work, so it will definitely happen at some point.
Just to lighten my recently-heavy mood, here's a funny story from my sitch:
My wife's boyfriend worked at the front counter at our gym, where I belong, and my wife works as a personal trainer. The hours that he worked rarely coincided with my workouts, but I would see him maybe once every-other week or so, and I usually just breezed past him, or shot him a dirtyh look.
Then one day, NOP over on the SSM board gave me a suggestion. He said the next time you see him, (and remember, this was RIGHT smack still in the middle of their active affair, and I knew from intel that I had gathered that they talked about me all the time, etc.!), slowly walk toward him, holding eye contact, and draw him in toward you. He'll think you're going to say something, but instead, just suddenly grin -- and WINK at him.
He told me it would FREAK HIM OUT, and they'd wonder what in the world I was up to, and he looked like he'd seen a ghost when I did it.
Just got home from work. Man it is chilly here if you know what I mean. Hard to walk from room to room because so much tension is in there air. The W, I think, doesn't know how to behave around me. I don't blame her, she only has one support person (the OM) in her life right now, and that is sad. He is sad, they are sad. They are pathetic.
I am not going to be in the dumps around her anymore. Upbeat, positive, doing just fine. That is me right now. If she wants to talk about 'it' then fine. I will do that, but only when she has proven to me the A is over.
Feels good to have a better outlook on things. I am going to be fine. It will be the W who royally screws up if she doesn't end this A. I just feel awful for my kids. Hopefully it won't get to that point.
Being strong.
BTW, writing this stuff is becoming to be like therapy for me. Not trying to hog all of the bandwidth on the internet... this just helps.
It sounds like you are getting a great attitude and getting stronger and healthier. I am working on getting there myself! It's like therapy for me to write here too; it has helped me get through the last weeks which I wasn't sure I would esp. early on! I def. feel so much better and stronger now than I did during my first early posts here. The people at this site are so knowledgeable and have great advice!!! Karen43
The W, I think, doesn't know how to behave around me. I don't blame her, she only has one support person (the OM) in her life right now, and that is sad. He is sad, they are sad. They are pathetic.
Trying,
Let her stew. Remember -- "Never shelter/rescue an infidel from the consequences of their infidelity." One of those consequences is your PROTECTION of her feelings. Treat her respectfully, yes, even cordially. Do the things around the house that are expected of you -- and then a little bit more. But do NOT try to cheer her up. DO be cheerful yourself, as you have correctly noted.
I keep saying this is going to be a day by day, minute by minute thing... I know that is how it is. But that is not easy when I like to "fix" things. I guess I or the W will never just wake up one morning and things will be "OK" or back to normal. I am trying to get that through my thick head.
The W just left to go see her C for her second session. I tell you what, she looked really GOOD when she left. Whenever I used to see her cleaned up and going somewhere looking good my thoughts were "wow what a great looking W -- I am a lucky man." Now when I see her walking out the door looking good, I say in my head "I think there is a good chance that she is looking good for the OM, or that she is going to meet up with that SOB." That gets my goat.
But, on the self-improvement front, I am going full speed ahead with re-igniting some of my old hobbies and pssions. The W has definately taken notice of it. I do know this--- I am doing it for ME, not to get her back.
For the time being, I have stopped 'monitoring' her communications, etc. When and if she ever comes to me and says the A is over, then the monitoring will resume until the trust is back. But for now, for my own sanity, I need to stop looking at that stuff. IF I think something is about to happen, or things change suddenly, I will take a look at that stuff again though. I don't want to get hit by another bus because I was blind.
