Quote: h tells me he will be bringing home the rest of his stuff from the apartment...just needs to find the time to do so..was planning on getting rid of the apt by the first of may...
todays rant (since that seems to be what most refer to my posts as)
today I realize that it is ok to love my h..I am not a fool for taking him back..I am not a fool for loving him..I am not the looser...
sure I could have said c'ya...when I discovered his ea..(ok sometimes I did) sure I could have completely written him off when he walked out the door..asked for a d...and all that yada yada yada!! I could have taken the money (child support, alimony etc) and lived my life content with my children...did what ever I wanted to do and heck used him as a regular baby sitter a few nights a week. would I have survived? sure..
I let h home..at first I thought it was mostly for my children..but the more and more I think about it..it is not for my children at all...it is for my family and my family includes ME!!
I would not have been completely happy without h...sure the kids and I would do just fine..but something would be missing...sure I could meet someone new who would eventually fill in the gaps...but there would still be something missing.
I've decided to let go of any resentment I hold toward h for having his a...I've decided to accept that he had to move out and think of leaving inorder for us to get to the place we are at now...for each of us to grow..to learn..to understand...to appreaciate...to love.
I love my h and day by day I am less afraid to show him...I know my h loves me too and day by day he is less afraid to show it.
will we live happily ever after?? doubt it, this aint no fairy tale....but I'd be willing to bet that things will never get to the point they reached last year.
LL..could you package all that and send it my way!!??
So great to hear all the positives from you...not to say that there might not be bad days..we are all human. The hard job of keeping all these things going are still ahead of you... take care
I don't know why...but last night when we got into bed (which was I think 2am..we fell asleep on the couches again) the fear came over me...what if h isn't happy...what if h get's tired of trying...why is h on the other side of the bed (each of us curled up but in opposite directions) the fear that h might leave again came over me...I let it go...telling myself..it really wont matter if he leaves again I'll be ok. but I didn't like the fact that the fear came...had to tell myself..so what if he's facing the other way...we were half asleep anyway.
Good, keep it up. Just put up that big ol' stop sign. Think of something else, get busy. Do you notice that the hard times always come when we try to interpret some slight small thing. It always seems to me to be that way. Just little things. Always the little things.
That's all they are. Just little itty bitty habits or behaviours. Your H sleeping with his back to you ... why were you sleeping with your back to him? Maybe cause that's how you were physically comfortable. Could be any number of reasons.
Could be anything. Don't let your pain dictate how you are going to feel about these little things. One of the quotes I have pasted up on my whiteboard reads "Don't sweat the small stuff ... and it's all small stuff".
Heard any good jokes lately?
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
LL, these fears are going to come and go ... can't seem to prevent them from happening (at least, I haven't been able to and I haven't read anyone here who claims to have discovered how to yet.), but I use that fear to motivate me to DB a little harder. So when this thought runs across my mind in the middle of the night and my W has her back to me, I snuggle in behind her, put my arm around her and focus on the fact that my W is in my arms now and with that thought try to get some sleep. Now, some nights she in turns comes over to snuggle with me and I smile, because I know that fear will not visit me this night.
Will that fear ever go away? I'm starting to believe it will, but it takes a very, very long time - at least over a year, probably more... but I have noticed the fear doesn't strike nearly as often now.
Give some time LL, I know, I know , that's what is always said here, but I finally starting to understand what Michelle means by "Time is on your side." Not only does it take time for the WAS to reallize the M can work and turns back, but it takes time for us to be convinced M can work too. Its just that they go through it first. Yes, we decided to struggle to save our M, but that is not the same as knowing it will work. Our efforts to save our M, shows the WAS it can work, so they come back, but we still have not seen such efforts from their behalf so we start having doubts as to whether it can work. The roles are reversed in a way and as long as it took for our WAS to come back ... its fair to say it will take that long for both of us to get back in sync again in terms of feeling good and comfortable in M.
When you start to take note that the 180's in their actions are real and here to stay, that's when we will know this is all working!!!
So there it is ... impromptu insight at the keyboard as this all started coming to me as I was typing.
Oh and BTW, when you both are back in sync ... that's when you know ... you're home .
LL..it is hard to follow KAW!!! Since I am not at the same place some of you are..I can only imagine that there are doubts along the way...I was thinking back to the "old days" when probably none of us ever had those thoughts..because we were comfortable with ourselves, our m, our spouses, and for me, took alot of things for granted...well we are all here for basically the same reasons...things have been shaken up and we are going through some of the hardest and most painful days of our lives...as time goes by, we will gain the confidence back...and now we know that we have to work every day to keep the good things flowing and deal with the difficult things in a different way then we might have before.
Look at all the trials and tribulations you have dealt with this past year...hopefully you are a better person for what you have experienced.
LL Hi, I know your the bunny this weekend and all that. When you have some time would you check my thread please? I'm in Hopefulness. It's about a convo I had with XOW's H. It starts at the bottom of page 6. I really would appreciate your input, however my posts are long and it has to do with OW, Jealousy,blah,blah. I've read alot of your posts and I want your input. Anyone else who has dealt with affairs and are now piecing, I'd love to hear your 02. Thanks KIP
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
thanks as usual for all your support!! I think I'll soon have the power to click my heals and head home!!
met last night with some local dbrs and as usual had a great time!!
h has been working very hard in the yard lately...yesterday I did a ton of work out there to help him out before he got home...oh the blisters... I had to hit the 24hr walmart last night to get some easter stuff..so I didn't get home til 2am...woke h from the couch and went up to bed..I'll admit that before I did I snooped his cell phone and saw two non calls...I always think this is an attempt to cover up a call made to ow...maybe I should just tell myself it's a misdial..or better yet maybe I should just not look at all.
got to bed h again in his corner and me in mine..I didn't like it much and started to feel a bit uneasy...tried to tell myself everything is ok...and then h moved over and put his arm around me...I could have cried...I thanked him..and peacfully fell asleep (but not before my mind wandered thinking ya right this is just a cover up ugh the damn neg thoughts) anyway..h just called...what a difference in the calls...h always did call during the day but the converstions were empty now they still contain the same what time he'll be home etc..but there's more to it...more energy...more thoughts...and more things about home.
nice weather is comming and we have an issue with one of the kids in the neighborhood..let's just say he's a wonderer..always out alone..he's older now so that isn't so much the issue as he is now old enough to be out alone...but the kid has little respect and hardly any manners..will show up here and ask for food or a drink...tell me he's starving...(if I've run out of something he's had here before that he's requesting...he'll reply with...well you'll have to get some, this kid is to old to be so rude!!) isn't always nice to our son...annoys the crap out of me...it seems they will be moving maybe may maybe june..I feel bad about the way I feel about this kid...but ugh!!! anyway...h has spent some time in working in the yard while the kids are all playing and has the same feelings toward this kid...I don't like feeling this way about a child..or anyone for that matter..but there's little I can do about it.
or is it something in the air?...
