It's TRUE! We actually talked last night! H spent 40 minutes talking to me about current job, why it sucks, how the management above him is horrible, how unhappy he is, etc. Then he told me about possible new job in Omaha (interview is today). Some of the finer points of the meat business are as exciting as paint drying but I was so glad he finally WANTED to talk to me that I listened to everything and tried to understand.
Then we talked about us. At first on reflection, I felt it went badly. But now as I review it, I think it helped a lot. And got me a few results already. A couple times H was getting really frustrated/mad and said "Why do we keep going over the same things again and again?" This is why he never wants to talk R, he thinks we have the same talk and nothing ever changes.
My response was that if I am always the one asking the questions/sharing feelings and he is always the one listening to me but NOT able to answer (H will say "I don't know" a lot, or sit in silence like he is thinking...), we WILL keep having the same discussion. That I can't fix anything all by myself. He actually agreed??!!??
Here are the things I did learn from him about our R and its status: 1)He says he is interested in giving it a try even if it were only for the sake of our children (before he said that wasn't reason enough). This actually hurt my feelings bc he says he loves me so I hope it isn't just for the sake of the kids.
2)He says it would suck if he moved to Omaha and I didn't come with him.
3)He is not wearing his wedding ring bc he says at this point, the predominant emotion he feels about our R/M is still anger. H says he looks at our life and this is not where he ever wanted to be, unhappy with his M. That he never in a million years thought he would hurt me so badly, or that he could ever possibly get a D. So he feels like putting his ring back on means everything with us is just fine and dandy, no more work to do, we are back together again and not going to try to fix anything anymore. He thinks I will assume everything is going to work out just by him putting on his ring.
I assured him that just by wearing the ring everything was by NO MEANS going to be fine. That there were a million other things on the list of our marital issues that would still have to be addressed. That I just looked at him NOT wearing a ring as saying he didn't want to be married, or was ashamed to acknowledge he was married to me, that he didn't want others to know he was married, that kind of thing. I told him that the ring was not a reflection of the love he felt for me, that was the ring I'm wearing. That his ring is a symbol of the love and commitment I have for him and that my love was still strong. He said that made sense. Bottom line, I guess he feels he wants to put the ring on at the END of this part of the process, once we have worked through our issues and survived. For him, it is the last step of the R, whereas for me, it is the first step of the R (acknowledging that yes we are married and yes I want us to stay that way). So it is just a matter of opinion I guess and I will let it go for now.
4)He hasn't been physical with me bc again he feels that is saying everything is okay again. He feels like us having sex and sleeping together in our bedroom is saying we are doing okay, the problems have been solved. He says he has used our physical connection to avoid talking about issues in the past and doesn't want to do that again. I said that, to make an analogy to the buyout of his business: When the new owners take over the business, they will keep doing the things the business is successful at doing, but will change the things that aren't working to make the place more successful, right? He agreed. I said, That is how I see our M. We keep what works and change what doesn't. If we both enjoy touching, kissing, sex, etc., why WOULDN'T we keep that? It would be getting rid of one of the few things that is still working. I said I felt like we should keep that part and work on the parts that are suffering (trust, communication, etc.). Again, he said that made sense...
5)He told me that I know he loves me bc during these discussions he tells me he does. I said, yes, but it the past in the morning leaving for work it was "goodbye, love you." On the phone it was "talk to you later, love you", etc. That he used to say it on a daily basis in casual conversation. That if he loves me and wants us to get better, my affirmation is verbal and touch. I need to HEAR and FEEL that he loves me. He seemed to have a hard time w/that bc I am pretty sure acts of service are his LL. He feels like I "KNOW" he loves me so that should do it. I also think his shame about the affair makes him feel he doesn't deserve to love me. He did say, "Once you found out about the A you said everytime I told you I loved you during those 8 months it was a lie, so you didn't want me to say it anymore." Me: "Are you still cheating on me?" H: "No" Me: "Is it a lie to say you love me?" h: "No" Me: "Then I would like to hear it again" H: nods, says ok
As he got up for bed I could tell he was agitated, frustrated, wound up. He was standing there in the hall fidgeting, looking at me on the couch. He looked like he did the night he punched the wall and went to a hotel. I asked "Are you wanting to get out of here?" h: "No I am going to go to bed" Me: "Because you seem really frustrated" H: points to family picture on table behind me, "Well I am frustrated. Have you seen that guy? (him in the picture) Because I can't FIND that guy anymore and I want him to come back." Me: I want him to come back, too. I really do. H: And I want to have us back, too. And I don't know how. Me: I know
That was the gist of the night. This a.m. the furnace was broken (again), H overslept for work (again), son was still running a fever so I couldn't go in and sub (again), so H was not thrilled. He called work, took the whole day off (he had the afternoon off for his interview in Omaha anyway). He was in working on the furnace and I came in. He started grumbling under his breath about how NOTHING ever changes. I replied that sometimes it does seem that way but we have to deal with what we are given. He actually seemed to agree, although he didn't answer. In the past he would have made a smart-a$$ remark. I had S make him a Good Luck sign on a piece of paper and sign his name, then I put D's handprint on it. It is a tradition we have when H has gone on other interviews or overnight business trips for S to make him a little note. H loved it and took it with him this morning. When he left, he came over and kissed me on the cheek. I said, bye, love you, and he said I love you too.
A few minutes later he called to see if he left S's note in the house. I said no, he said, good it must be here in the truck somewhere, I don't want to screw up my good luck. Then he texted me at noon to see how S was feeling.
SOOOO, if they ADMIT they are an alien, is that the first step to recovery???
