I keep having to remind myself that h is who he is...he is not like my father though there are some similarities and though he is a man he cannot be put into a category like that...and should not be judged according to some false set of assumptions.
here's the real issue.. something I thought I addressed while h was gone...something I told him I addressed while he was gone..
I have always been insecure...kinda goes with being the sweet little girl growing up..
wonder why LL say's it like it is??
because for so much of her life...she took it..she took it all..she took the boys picking on her..the girls picking on her..her big brothers and father teasing her...one day LL snapped and decided the best thing to do is be a biatch...be tough...then no one will tease you...no one will bother you...they'll think youre strong and they wont try to hurt your feelings.
becuase so many picked on me (and for the life of me I just can't figure out why..jelousy??) I started to believe it...while I was in college full time...working 30+ hours a week and still having a life...for some reason I felt lazy??? lazy, that's obserd!!! father though my brothers and I to be lazy so I felt lazy no matter what I did.
h was this wonderful guy...a true gentlemen when I met him...a sweet kind...thoughtfull 19 year old like no other I knew..I didn't know why he would want to be with me. I never felt good enough for him and still don't...thing is somehow that get's communicated to h that he's not good enough for me.
anyway back to the point...I was insecure and depended to much on h to make me feel good about myself...taking it personally when h had his own thing to do that didn't include me...wanting to constantly be reasurred etc. I realized that it was not fair of me to expect h to make me feel good about myself.
since h has come home I have started to once again..look to him for reasurrances, acceptance, approval etc. it's not fair and I know it..if h didn't think I was good enough h wouldn't have come home...if h didn't think I was good enough h wouldn't be trying as hard as he is.
LL needs to take a good look at herself and realize that she IS good enough...she's good enough for h..she's good enough for her kids...she's good enough for the in laws (and if not well too bad!!) she's good enough for the neighbors...she's good enough for this world..
it's amazing how my pma fluctuates...I go from feeling pitiful and useless....to feeling on top of the world almost too good. how do I find the balance...how to I keep it going?? I don't want to use drugs to make me feel good about myself but I'm getting tired of the ups and downs..this sit..well not the whole sit..but the fact that h had the ea and left..is making it hard for me to feel good about myself...after all I wasn't good enough, thing is I was...it was h who thought he wasn't good enough or at least that's what got communicated to him.
