So what I am saying is, the unfaithfulness, while it stunned me, hurt me,... it's not the main problem to be addressed. The lying, deceit, abandonment of commitment - those are the core issues for my marriage. But those come from mid life crisis I think, not from infidelity. Infidelity was just an outward sign of the crisis. if that makes sense.
Sir,
When my wife (correctly, I might add) would say to me "All you want to talk about is AFFAIR-this, AFFAIR-that! You know as well as I do that we've had problems LONG before whatever it is I've done came along!", or "He isn't the problem, I keep TELLING you that!!" ... I had a simple answer, that I never, EVER wavered from:
"No, he's not our only problem. But he IS our #1 obstacle right now from having any hope at all of FIXING our other problems. A couple cannot possibly try to reconcile their marriage when one of them has unilaterally invited a third person into that marriage."
Infidelity is not your only problem, Sir, and it may not even be your #1 problem, long-term. But until the affair is over, and your wife no longer has any contact with him for a period of MONTHS, she will not be open to working on your other issues.
Quote:
I cannot change that. My approach now is to empathize with her, validate her feeling that she was abused in the marriage, and support her desire to make independent choices, even if I disagree with them.
And I could not disagree with THAT, any more strongly! I really hope you're not saying that you support her desire to make the independent choice to have an affair? I know you don't intend to accept blame for the affair, only to acknowledge the overall conditions in your marriage that may have led her to feel lonely/neglected/whatever, but you are dangerously close -- if not already over the line -- to doing so.
Let me ask you a question: did your wife ever have these kinds of complaints about you being "abusive" and a "batterer" before her affair?
