Need some hope

[Michael Mc C]

As un-funny as all of this is, I loved your comment:

I am learning that she has to be ready to give up her man-crack

On day 2 of 'discovery' (confirmation, really) W and I had a very long talk about how she wished she never met OM and never screwed up our marriage. She vowed to end the relationship with him. For the next 2 days she cried at the thought of giving it up. On the third day she decided that she had to do what was right for her and she continued her A.

I don't want to throw a wrench into the works here but I think the continued application of pressure may backfire (remember, telling her you want the A to end, telling her you love her, telling her that the two of you CAN fix the marriage will all be seen as pressure).

I believe that if you haven't made this information clear to her already, then you should do it now, but then let it go. Make it clear to her that you do not condone what is happening and that you do NOT find yourself in "acceptance" (my wife LOVED telling everyone that I had finally accepted her decision).

My experience (real life and from this board) is that the more you push, the more she will be drawn to the OM. As you already mentioned, guilt will do nothing to help your cause and I'm afraid the book you mentioned, although well-intentioned, will be seen as trying to guilt her. I can almost guarantee you that she will tell you that she understands the pain she will be causing but that she has to do what is right for her.

Everyone's situation is a little different though. Ohio_Mark has a knack for providing a to-do list for newbies. Ignore the gender-specific comments, it works both ways:

1. Visit this website daily. Read and read about what others are doing and what they have been through. You will find a lot of similarity.

2. Keep this thread updated. You will only get advice and help if you keep your thread current.

3. Do not tell your husband about this website or anything else that you are doing to prevent a divorce. Hide everything you are reading in a secure spot. This is very important.

4. Although Hurtin mentioned that you may dive to the depths of hell, do not be afraid. Your fear will doom your marriage. Be strong, confident, and positive. Be chipper and optimistic. In general, behave in the opposite way that you feel. I know, I know, this is darn difficult. But your husband will be repulsed by negativity, grumpiness, moodiness, and bitchiness. So you gotta be a person he wants to be around, even though, right now, he does not want to be around you.

5. This may seem like an impossible goal right now, you need to reach the point where you no longer depend on your husband's love and acceptance for your happiness. Right now, you are saying, "I can't be happy without him!!!" But you can. Work on getting to this place.

6. The relationship with his girlfriend is doomed. Keep that in the back of your mind.

7. Don't conspire against him, or against them. Anything you do to drive them apart will only push them together. If you can't control it, let it go. (this, dear, is the most difficult of them all).

8. Involve yourself in activities outside the home and outside the marriage. Join groups (support group for parents of autistic kids, divorced/separated, prayer groups... anything). Go get a life outside the marriage. It will have a double-pronged effect of showing your husband you have "moved on" and it will take your mind off of the pain of what he is doing.