New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Ellis,

I think your email to H was excellent. I believe that is exactly how you should be dealing w/ him - professional, detached, logical, cool and friendly, but not overly so, as though you are dealing w/ a coworker. I think you should you agree w/ any of his comments about him never coming back, like "I know you're never coming back. I've been doing alot of thinking and you're right, it wasn't meant to be. We'll both be happier and better off in the end." or things to that effect so that he has nothing to argue against. But concentrate on your D's well being, emotional health, her needs, etc., etc. I would avoid using "you" statements - that's laying blame on him - but instead say things like "she needs time to adjust", etc., and respectfully disagree w/ his comments about what you feel is and is not appropriate regarding your D. After all, you are her mother and probably know her much better than he does.

Here is a link to a really good publication our gov't has put out: Parenting After Separation . It's Cdn law, but most of it is about day to day issues regarding parenting. I found it helpful and objective, when I was feeling very emotional and confused about what was best for my D in my sitch. Let me know what you think.

Your H is likely lashing out at you b/c he knows he has f*&ked up & is responsible for tearing apart his family, even if he'd never admit it. Let him stew in his own sh*t and don't let him drag you in. This is about him & he has to work through it by himself.

You are doing great. I think we tend to give so much of ourselves away to our S & kids that we stop believing in ourselves and forget our own worth. We project that belief and then our S starts to treat us the same way & then they find someone who is worth more. I think that's the "fake it" part - if you act confident, others will believe you are confident, treat you that way and that makes you truly believe it, and then all of a sudden you realize that you are more confident - the "make it" part. A self realizing prophesy!

FA