I'm very happy to see that you've begun to pull yourself out of the funk you were in. I see so many of us here in piecing suffering from some sort of PMA flu. You are really the first I've seen who has pulled out. Props out to you
I want to say something about an issue you've raised more than once. Was H physical with OW? Let me share what I came up with.
The thing that brought my sitch to a head was what I found out snooping (Yeah, bad me but this was pre-DB). The message from W to OM man read (and I quote; I don't think I'll ever forget these words) "Can't wait to be with you, we have so many 'things' to do" . Quotation marks around things in the message. Hurts when I think about it but not as much as 8 months ago. So I knew then that she was actively pursuing or already engaged in a physical relationship with OM.
Now the thing is when I confronted her she denied the interpretation and said that she was referring to just running errands with him, Yeah right, and my IQ is 6!!!! When pressed she changed her story and said that she had only kissed him. I haven't asked since even though I really don't think that's the whole story since the 'things' seems to be a private code which wouldn't have developed unless .....
What I had to do in order to proceed and forgive my wife is get rid of the ambiguity. I had to make an assumption since I cannot ever count on my W to tell me the truth of the matter, either because of her guilt or because of her reluctance to hurt me further. So I had a choice, I could assume the best and take her at her word or I could assume the worst and deal with the horrendous feelings that would engender.
I chose to assume the worst. After I made this choice my agony practically pounded me to flinders. I was well and truely f**ked up over my assumption. I had to deal with it somehow. After what seemed a lifetime of pain, despair and soul searching I came up with my answer.
I truely think I would have been better off if I had of taken her at her word. Sometimes I still want to take her at her word. I think that since I made the decision once I can make the decision again. I am working on making the decision to take her at her word. Does it really make a difference what the truth of the matter is? I don't really think so. Would knowing that your H was physically close to OW really change anything TODAY?
Focus rather on your goals. Remember, DB'ing is about solutions. What are your goals, how are you going to change the relationship to achieve those goals, how are you going to know when those goals are achieved? Work the process. Easy to say, harder to do once we are piecing.
I'm serious here, please work on figuring out your goals, the milestones that will indicate that your sitch is headed towards achieving those goals and the changes in YOUR behaviour that you are going to implement in order to reach those goals.
My apologies for the long winded and blunt posting, it's just that I know how much this very same question tore me up and I am hoping that my experiences can save someone else that same trauma.
Peace Out
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