I guess when I said 'lay low', I meant that I would not re-escalate the pressure I put on her on Discovery Day. I know she isn't ready to let him go yet, she has even said so 2 days ago. (She said the thought of never talking to him again is just too hard for her to think about right now.)
2 days ago, before I started posting here and discovered DB, I wrote her a letter asking just what you are asking (that she stop contact with him). Here is the jist of it:
Quote:
As difficult as it is for me, I guess it was unrealistic for me to ask you to promise never to be in contact with him again. But it is so unfair that he is getting your attention right now, and you and he are using each other as emotional support. From now on, can you to be drop-dead honest with me and yourself? If you want to see if this marriage can work, can you try to do it alone? I think every time you guys talk or are in contact, it puts your personal growth back several steps, and the wall of deception between us grows taller. If you keep feeding your need to see/talk/contact him, you will be in withdrawl forever and never be able to give yourself a chance to see things in from a different perspective. You will never get over him, if you keep having a relationship with him.
If he truly does care about you, he should want what is right for YOU. He should not be selfish about this, just like I am trying not to be selfish about this. As hard as it is for him, he should respect the idea that you need time alone to figure this out. I know it is hard for me, but I am showing that I am willing to do that for you.
I am not looking for you to owe me or anyone anything. I am looking for you to do this for yourself. Nothing more.
My pledge to you remains. I will give you the time and space you need to resolve your issues. Just know that I love you.
Her response to my letter was a sincere thank you, but it didn't have the impact I thought it would AT THE TIME. At that time, I was begging, pleading...I was trying to REASON with someone who cannot be reasoned with.
Now, some of that stuff i would not have written had I only found this discussion board and support group sooner. But what is done is done...
So, on Day 1 she agreed to cut off contact because she got caught, and felt immense guilt about it, and deep down I think she knows that she doesn't want to leave our life. On day 7 when I gave her the letter, she was still on her HIGH, and undecided about what to do. She is not willing to stop all contact. Back to some of your other commnets in other posts, she wants her 'cake' right now. And I agree with you, this is not acceptable.
I am learning that she has to be ready to give up her man-crack, and that I can't make her do it. She has to want to. BUT, I will continue to make it known that I am fighting for this, our family, our life. But that fight can't truly begin until she unconditionally gives up that OM. I get it now. It is just the waiting, patience, games, GAL, whatever that is going to be tough.
Am I really understanding all of this and what I should do? I don't know....
