The tablets won't turn you into a zombie - they will just help you maintain an equilibrium.
Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? I can't remember. I know it's a guy book and a lot of the men on the boards have found it VERY useful.
If you can't sleep at 3am then get up. There is absolutely no point in staying in bed tossing and turning and thinking destructive thoughts. That's the time to get up and do your Sudoku or other things to distract you. Go for a drive and take some really wonderful early morning photographs. Then hopefully by the next night you will be so tired you might sleep better.
Have you started reading that 'Learned Optimism' book yet? I found the first half quite daunting but the second half really showed me the way to go and offered me hope.
Stop the paralysis of fear, breathe and start doing things that YOU want to do. Your W is lucky to have you and that's the way you have got to view it. A lesser man would have kicked her to the curb by now. Don't act as though she has all the power. She hasn't - it may feel like that but I bet she is scared inside too.
Even if the worst came to the worst and it doesn't work out with your W, (which btw I don't believe will happen in your case), there is NO WAY you would end up by yourself. You have way too much going for you. It's the good men that get in shorter supply as we age, not the women. Your W is the one that should be scared about being lonely, not you. She would lose the respect of her family and alienate herself from her safety net .
You keep at it - you have been doing so well.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I am SOOOO glad you're back. Amazing...you should be a therapist. I needed that butt-kicking to get me out of my woe-is me-mood. Honestly, I'm keeping your post handy so when I feel like crap I can get a shot of fearlessness.
I have read No More Mr. Nice Guy, but didn't really find it all that helpful. It was empowering, but also very confrontational. If I had followed some of the approaches in the book, I would've just driven her right out the door. The "Learned Optimism" book arrived yesterday, along with one sold on this website "How to Change Your Life...". So I've got some reading to do.
You're right about how my wife should fear loneliness more. With a high school education, her job choices are very limited, and she'll have to hook up with somebody to pool her income. Her current spending habits can only be supported by someone with a good education and lots of ambition. The smart, ambitious men in her age bracket will see that coming and think "gold-digger" pretty quick. And if they're willing to hook up with a gold-digger, it's not going to be some 50 year old grandma.
And she'll have to find someone who will accept all her eccentricities and insecurities, which are considerable (she is human, after all). Like this one: she's always had to be surrounded by animals. We've always had dogs and cats up the wazoo. Where will she live, or who will let her move in with with her two big dogs and three cats? She IS lucky to have me Saf. I have accepted and adapted to a lot of her behaviors over the years. And I'm STILL doing it, but now, without having any of my needs met.
She's already alienated her family with her behavior. The kids think she's nuts.
Whew!...okay. I'll be good for a while now. Thanks Saffie...
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
It's SOOOOOOOO nice to hear you are glad to have me back
It is very easy when gripped by fear to think you are the one with the monkey on your shoulder - but you are not!!!
I get frightened thinking I am like your W - I love being surrounded by animals!!!! My H being the no1 beastie of the lot - I guess his problem was he felt like the last beastie in the long line of them!!!!! Seriously, I think maybe I WAS like your W but I was lucky enough to 'wake up' and realise I needed help. Hang in there and I think there is a fairly good chance she will too.
For you, I think it is a question of how to deal with the down moments. I know that my therapist guy was great for giving me ideas. He was the one that talked me through the sleep routine, and like with you it was just a case of him reminding me of things I already knew but in my 'panic' just wasn't thinking to implement. He also told me that there was a difference in what you do to GET to sleep in the first place and what you do if you wake up in the early hours and just can't get back to sleep. just laying there tossing and turning and working yourself up into a stew is just fruitless; you may as well get up and DO something.
My therapist also taught me to deal with things in a slightly different way than I had been doing. If I had something bothering me he taught me to break it down into WHY it was bothering me and WHAT I could do about it. If it was something I could do something about it he then taught me how to approach dealing with it in bits. If it was something I couldn't do anything about he taught me to 'let go' and store it away for a time when I could review it again and then see if I could do something about it. He showed me that I was not responsible for everything as well. He helped me realign my thought processes. I think you sound pretty good at that anyways
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, You're right about the sleep thing. From now on I'll just get up and work on something.
Don't get me wrong, I love animals! Never minded having a puppy or kitty around. And, like your hubby, sometimes I felt like I was last on the list to get my ears scratched.
Soo....next week we're traveling with friends for our annual vacation to the British Virgin Islands (yep, I'm spending some time in your empire). This will be REALLY interesting. She'll have to share a bed with me. We're going to have LOTS of free time together. And there isn't a lot to do on this resort other than sit on the beach, snorkel, and watch the waves crash in. That's why we picked it.
She's already warned me that I need to give her space. No problem, baby. You do your thing, I'll do mine. But it's a small island.
She also said several times that she plans to drink, heavily. This is something I've NEVER heard from her before...ever. And the very few times I've seen her even slightly plastered, it's hilarious. Her inhibitions vanish completely and she does and says WHATEVER is on her mind. In her deep MLC state, it's sure to be a great show.
I can't wait. Of course, you'll hear ALL the details when I return.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Saffie, By the way...thought I'd let you know that at work today I'm drawing up a plan for a "Country Garden" for some folks who moved over here from the UK. The wife missed her garden back home, so I'm going to try and replicate it for her. Nice people.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Soo....next week we're traveling with friends for our annual vacation to the British Virgin Islands (yep, I'm spending some time in your empire). This will be REALLY interesting. She'll have to share a bed with me. We're going to have LOTS of free time together. And there isn't a lot to do on this resort other than sit on the beach, snorkel, and watch the waves crash in. That's why we picked it.
He's on an island in the BVI's toasting his buns and watching his wife get shnockered.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
