I realize I sound terrible describing H as a slob, cheap, and anger issues, but don't mean to sound nasty, really. I always thought that's what made us a good match; I'm a little bit of a slob myself; and now that I'm cleaning all the time I don't mind him being a slob anyway; his sloppiness doesn't bother me at all and never has although I think a lot of women would mind that he never throws stuff out or hangs up clothes, drops them where he takes them off, etc, leaves cabinets and drawers open when he uses them, etc.
His cheapness has never bothered me either; my brother finds it to be a sign of an abuser or something, but I hate to spend money on myself, so I think that was a good matchup too. H is bothered by his anger issues himself, and is seeking counseling for them already....Karen43
I would think their affair is going to implode at some point; it would be a matter of when and not if they will break up at some point. Of course, if it's after the divorce that won't do me much good.
Karen,
Just statistically, that's HIGHLY likely. But not only will it not help YOUR marriage if it happens after the divorce, it's also true that if you EACH don't figure out how to deal with your issues, you will just take then into your NEXT failed relationship. Also true statistically.
That's the great, "win-win" thing about DBing and GAL stuff. Not only are they effective tools to try to SAVE a marriage, but worst-case they better equip you for your NEXT relationship.
I just came back from meeting with my divorce attorney. I feel really good after meeting with her. She was really positive about my situation. Apparently I will be in a good situation for custody, homeschooling, alimony, and everything according to her. She said not to worry about H's "intimidation tactics" she called them: he had threatened to tell the Court I was crazy, I'd be working at McDonalds, etc.
I told her I just wanted to wait until H filed, which she said could be never because of the fact that he will have to pay she thinks permanent alimony, etc (I don't think H knows that yet though!). She thinks I should file first and soon b/c of H's affair and verbal abuse and "I'm not getting any younger". I told her I did think the situation would be resolved by October, probably H will file for divorce and if not, by some rare chance if he decides to give our marriage a try, we would go to marriage counseling instead, and H is going to counseling for his anger issues. Karen43
Then yes, your husband is, in all likelihood, looking at "permanent alimony." 15 years is pretty much the cutoff in Florida. Sucks for me; but works for you!
No one can tell you whether or not divorce is right for you, Karen -- we're ALL here to try to help save savable marriages. But if and when you DO decide, it's probably best that you file, for the reasons your attorney stated.
It makes me feel great, because my husband was saying that basically my life was going to change 100% and his was going to stay the same, but I think from what my divorce attorney was saying, that shouldn't be true at all. So that's a relief. I still want to try to save our marriage if that is possible and would like to try to do that this year, and work on myself and my issues which as you say is a good thing anyway.
Yep. It even shows up on CAT scans -- physiological fact, yessiree.
I'm not fond of the "aliens" analogy, as it seems a little hurtful/disrespectful to me, but many use it. I think the model of an alcoholic, or a compulsive gambler, is a more useful one.
That's why I'm so big on FIRST you have to get to "100% no-contact." With an alcoholic, isn't the very first thing you need to do is get the alcohol the hell OUT of the house??? Separating the unfaithful spouse from the source of their addiction is a MUST before any real recovery and healing can take place. And every time they re-initiate contact, the "clock" sets back to "0:00:00."
