We had a reasonably nice evening but he just doesn't listen to me when I say that I won't sleep with him again until I know he has broken up with her. I do want to sleep with him. I want to trust him. I just don't.
I've screwed it all up and can't get my message across as to what I need from him to feel secure. Now he's hurt badly - he loves me - he is just trying to get back with me in a wierd order of things. His g/f is away at th emoment and got back tonight. He's really upset now...I snooped on his phone (which he left out on purpose so i could see who he had been talking and messaging to)andwhile I was looking the woman he had sex with back in April called. She refused to tell me why she was calling and then hung up on me. There's no point me calling her back, as much as I want to hear her side of things, but she has a wierd view of things and I trust her less than h.
I just hope he doesn't do anything to hurt himself. He was crying on the phone. I can't run to him to make it better. He needs to fix himself. I don't think I am the person for him. I don't feel like I can be myself when I'm with him. I'm horribly suspicious and paranoid and I can't seem to shake it. He's not being particularly dishonest at the moment...it's just that he doesn't know what to say about anything because every subject has dangerous elements to it. He was nervous as hell tonigth he says, yet every second or third thing he said alluded to ML with me. It's flattering but I just wish he could leave off with it so we can get to know each other as people first. God ....this all sux and I feel numb. He hasnt' done anything wrong right now. He said he hasn't been with his g/f in three or so weeks. I want him to break it off with her and prove it to me. Problem is, I don't think that would be enough for me to let him back into my heart. I think it broke many years ago when he broke up with me because he needed space. I don't think I've really let him in since then. Man...that's f*cked up.
