I'm not familiar with that specific book, but yes, I do think it's a good idea to get some good information to her about what divorce does to kids. She should make an informed decision, and there is SO much pap out there about "oh, they'll be just fine; children are resilient," etc.
If you asked your wife to end all contact, and she agreed, try to bring her back to that spot. You are all over the map here (I was too!). There is a HUGE difference between a wayward spouse who has never even ADMITTED to having an affair ("we're just friends!"), one who admits it but refuses to end it, and your sitch. In your case, she not only 'fessed to the affair, she agreed to end it, and she actually CALLED him to end it.
This is good!
The reason she is confused is because she DIDN'T end contact with him, and so all those loooooove chemicals are washing over her brain and her body right now. Remember, these are the same chemicals that made an otherwise sane, intelligent astronaut drive across the country wearing a frigging adult diaper to "save her man"!
Talk to your wife. Ask her if she meant it when she said she would end all contact with him, and ask her if she's still willing to do that. Make her answer you. If she is, there are proper ways to do that -- to build the firewall -- and I can help you with that, and you should tell HER that you can help her with that.
If she is not, or -- more likely -- if she says "I don't know, I'm just so confuuused . . . ", then think you should refuse to talk to her about anything else BUT that. "Honey, I still love you, and I don't want a divorce. I'd love to go to counseling and work on our marriage, and I'm willing to discuss ANY issue of mine that you feel I need to work on. But we can't possibly do that so long as there is a 3rd person in the middle of our marriage. End the affair, and we'll talk."
That needs to be your position, and you need to stick to it. While you do, you can do all of the "GAL" things that everyone talks about ("look good and smell good"), and shine a light back toward the marriage.
There is a 3rd party between you, and in case you haven't noticed, he does NOT have your marriage's best interests at heart.
