Wow. I stopped and prayed for your and your husband. I was given a moment of compassion by God for your husband.
I haven't followed your situation too closely. So perhaps I'm only commenting on what this thread says.
1. It looks like your husband can really go either way.
2. He's beginning to taste reality. Namely, the OW is no prize. He's not stupid, she's had 3 affairs her husband doesn't know about, and she's flirting with any guy she sees. He'll be one of the many men she's used and discarded. He knows this in his head. On the other hand, when you allow yourself to get inimate physcially and emotionally with someone, your body produces oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine and adrenalin which, in some sense, create a biochemical "addiction" to the OW. It's a love cocktail. Oxytocin is the real culprit here.
3. Yes the marriage had problems. And, yes, the OW is not main issue, though because she's in the picture, everything gets changed in your husband's thinking. Before the affair he could have looked at your problems more calmly and felt, "Hey we can work on these." During the affair several things happened to skew his view of your marriage. The first is the obvious. He's comparing the rush of a new romance with the feelings common in an established, mature marriage. So by comparison, he placed you on a lower level - he felt dry/stale with you but alive with her. Second, the biochemical cocktail of new love is addictive (which I wrote about above)it's hard for him to really give up OW even if he wants to. Third, there's the pscyhological mechanism of demonizing the spouse to alleviate guilt. To justify these good feelings of his with the OW, he must have to view you negatively. How else could he do so terrible a thing to you unless, in his mind, you were painted out to be a cold-hearted shrew? Fourth, there's also the psychological mechanism of judging a whole relationship by the most recent experiences. If your last couple of years of marriage were rough, he'll view the WHOLE marriage that way. It's irrational, but, clinically proven time and time again that the human brain works that way. And lastly, he feels he's done so much damage, you couldn't possibly forgive him and move on.
4. It would seem that your strategy need not change. Be kind an open. If you divorce, it'll make for an easier relationship, if you reconcile, you are, in essence, making the road home smooth.
5. If you are game to play with his head a bit, perhaps light non-sexual contact, like touching his arm, and a mini backrub might be in order. These, also have the ability to produce oxytocin. This might be percieved as chasing, and I don't know what personal boundaries you've set up, so you can ignore this point.
6. A little more patience might be called for. HE might really be coming out of his fog.
7. If you choose to be patient, then I think, perhaps, you need not make him feel like you are waiting with your arms crossed, tapping your feet, with a scowl on your face and looking at your watch like a victorian schoolmarm. Have some fun. This week I'm taking some needed GAL steps. Maybe you can join me on your side of the country. Do one thing fun and different this week that re-charges you and makes you more collaborative, creative and powerful. I think exhaustion and hopelesness is what really kills most of us.
Wait...but dance while you wait. You life need not completely be on hold until your husband emerge from the cave.
On on a more serious note, your situation reminded me of the passages in Proverbs where the young man is being warned to avoid the house of an adulteress. It speaks of her home being a lair, a trap, where his strength, hope, joy and financial well-being are being destroyed. Not only that, but his legacy -- the children -- are being deeply damaged by this. When I think of the destruction that divorce brings on people, I remember that the ancient wisdom of our fathers and mothers in the faith still speaks clearly and loudly to us.
