LT and NCB, thanks for picking up on this. The issue you are discussing is the thing that I am considering, too.
I'm willing to walk through fire for this marriage. That includes anger management classes or remediation for what may be an abusive personality. On the other hand, I'm in divorce proceedings, and if I do that, will I risk my custody rights? And also I think my W is in MLC and so how much of this is unfounded baloney, and how much is real? (That I believe she is in MLC is why I think I ought to be on the MLC forum. Infidelity is not the core issue, I've come to believe.)
I do not wish to rule out psych/emotional abuse, out of hand. That's why I keep bringing it up.
I also don't want to minimize her pain. Shoot, I can see the pain in her face. I can see it in the accusations she flings at me. I see she is in pain. It's real, it's big, and I'm sure it is weighing on her. I wish I could make it all go away. Here's the question - did I cause that pain or was I merely present for its emergence? I think her FOO issues are pretty big here. (See my summary for quick details) I am willing to take credit for my part, but not 100% blame. And aside from whether I caused it, what can I do now to minimize it? to help? Seems like the most direct route out of pain is to face the FOO issues, but what can I do to help?
LT, you said "that's why counseling is required, to have an impartial third party listen etc..." But W has it from an abuser's support group that a batterer (that is what she calls me) does not get cured by marriage counseling. A batterer only manipulates the MC experience to put all the blame on the battered spouse. On the basis of that guidance, she refuses counseling and says "Get it through your head: we're divorcing. Fix yourself, for your own sake."
I tried calling some of the programs she recommended for me, they are all for domestic violence and anger management, and they are set up to handle court-mandated cases. They all talked to me like I was a convict. I'm not sure I need that now.
And I am concerned about the legal ramifications of volunteering for such a program. It's almost like checking myself into a chemical rehab program - I don't feel like I need it, and going to rehab will then stamp me with a stigma that may have broader ramifications regarding custody and parental rights, should the divorce go through.
Last thing - I am a fixer. I am always fixing things. Smoothing things over, overlooking stuff, taking up the slack, making it ok. It's my way. There's nothing wrong with that until the other partner on the relationship seesaw stops doing their part. I think this is what happened in our marriage. This accusation - I am a controlling abuser - feels like a. just her view of my fixer personality, and b. ironically, just another unconscious appeal by her to my fixer side. It feels like it may be just a repeat of a pattern we've been exhibiting for a long time. She's not doing anything. She's not accepting her responsibility. Telling me it's all on me. Look, even if I am an abuser, it still won't work unless she picks up her end of the rope.
Then that gets us back to DBing principles, doesn't it? In WAS situations, the effort is usually one-sided.
So here I am, waffling. My confidence is shot because I thought having a good heart would keep my marriage safe. That was obviously false. Now I am unsure and afraid to make it worse. As if! isn't that sad?
