Wow, my H finally called to actually talk to me for the first time tonight since his second bomb and departure back in mid december. He said he felt like a talk was long overdue. He said that after being in the house today, he felt like I was not letting him go and he was worried for me (his reasoning was because I still have our pictures up on the walls in our bedroom). I said if that bothers him I could take them down. He said that is not necessary & that he has pictures of us that he still looks at, but he knows that that is all his past now. I reassured him that I was doing just fine with a happy tone in my voice. I told him that I am out doing things and enjoying life and staying busy. He said that I should be taking time to reflect also. I said that is inevitable, and that I know that there is more to enjoy in life than just that. He kind of got mad when I told him that the album his mom gave to me was a gift for me before we got married, and that he could have it - but I took one picture out of it. He was only mad because the last time he moved out he didn't care about all of his albums and misplaced them on one of his several moves. I told him his albums are probably at his parents house, cuz I took all of his belongings he didn't care about (albums included) over to his parents last summer instead of throwing those things out. That being said he was thankful that I would give the album to him afterall. He did mention he wants a divorce for the first time since he left, and I just didn't comment and changed the subject. He told me that I am a beuatiful person inside and out and that any man would be blessed to have me, I said thanks. He kept asking over and over how I was doing, and I just kept saying I am doing well with out going into much detail other than saying I am constantly staying busy hanging out with our family and friends. He said we should file for taxes this year seperately, because I know what kind of financial problems he has and he doesn't want to sabotage me. He sounded sad and very brokent the whole conversation long. He thanked me profusely for allowing him in the house to take the dog on walks. I said no problem and that I thought it was good for our dog, since I am at work all day. He is opening his new auto shop this coming monday (jan, 28th) and said he is excited and feels that he has finally found his calling. He said it is causing him some anxiety though. When I asked him how he was doing, he said he is very happy on his journey. I felt like our conv. was coming to an end so I quickly decided to thank him for calling and said good bye, he said no problem and to call him if I need anything at all (even for car problems) and then we hung up.
Oh my god, this has been my hardest day yet since he has left again. I cried and slept all day, and could not help it. I feel very sad and that he has really come to the conclusion that I am the past, and he wants a completely different future. I always knew this is a possibility (divorce), but it is so freaking hard to really accept and to let go of him internally. I have no problem with following the DB rules of externally letting him go, but my heart is just about as shattered as it could ever possibly be. He was my man, my companion, my lover, my best friend and I just don't know how I could ever possibly get over this heart break inside myself. I married him with the intentions of satisfying each other for a lifetime, and he is cutting it short mostly it seems to me due to his own issues and his severe depressive state that he is in. He really feels like he would be happier alone or with someone else, and just keeps over focusing on his new career. He is telling me he wants me to move on and not to let him hold me back. How is this even possible when I still love the man so very much.
I am reading the book mentioned on here several times called: "I dont want to talk about it, understanding the secret legacy of male depression" and it is giving me a whole new understanding of why this is happening. I know I didn't cause the M to fail, and that no one has a perfect M. I am learning from the book that he is covertly depressed, and will continue this cycle until he himself finally realizes that his depression is due to his childhood(phys. abusive & alcoholic father), genetics, and the trauma of his bankruptcy last year. I just don't see him ever seeking help for his problems, he is way to stuborn and hates the idea of counseling, medication, and even admitting that he needs help. He would rather self medicate himself with alcohol, work and OW.
I have no choice but to let him go, but my heart is simply not letting me and I don't think it ever truely will, as he is the only man I have ever desired & honestly loved the way I do.
I know it takes time, but its the hardest thing I have ever had to face, and I am so scared that I will never be able to open up to someone else after all this hurt and pain and yearning. How is it possible to tell yourself to just not love the most important person in your life. I know that you can always love from afar, but I wish I didn't have to give up on us alltogether. I want my Marriage back so bad.HHHHHHHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TIPPER