All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

as Cat3 says, you're doing too much mind reading and you already said communication was an issue in your marriage. Stop the mind reading. Take words at face value and let him know you're doing that. Repeat what you think he said when he says it, and respond accordingly. If he corrects or clarifies, great. If not, then even if you don't actually believe what he says, act as if you do. I mean, he has to take responsibility forhis words. Otherwise he'll never have to "own" what he says or face consequences and will somehow get you to shoulder the burden of choices in this sitch. He'll claim "I didn't mean/say that" but you can retort, "I heard you say 'XXX' and you repeated it". Just make it clear that you WILL HOLD HIM to his words and actions. Show him.

As far as his take on your happiness, STOP letting him get inside you. Remember the upbeat positive image you want to create?? (Please re-read DB/DR books if you've forgotten or do Not really believe looking attractive and happy IS attracting)
What happened to the upbeat "woman only a fool would leave" routine?
Trust me, admitting misery on your end is not going to attract him to you or the home. He's already "burdened" by life (ie his own choices) and doesn't need you to drag him down or make him feel needed. On the contrary, I think he wants to be around someone who'll elevate his mood WITHOUT taking responsibility for his feelings. There is a diff. You can affirm his value to you or his worth, without being needy or burdensome.

Also, why on earth would you send him a Valentine's card? At least in this country, Valentine's Day is mostly romantic in nature. I mean, this is like a wedding anniversary except that with Valentine's Day, it isn't even about your particular day or marriage, but romantic love in general. It's one thing to acknowledge a marriage with children even when the M is over, it seems to dignify the kid's births, etc. Divorced couples sometimes recognize it to celebrate the children/byproduct of the M but not to reach out to each other, and most divorced couples here don't even do that for their anniversaries. I know NO ONE who sends a Valentine's card to someone from whom they are separated. This isn't an anniversary though, and Valentine's Day is different to me. It is a lot of pressure for people who are newly dating, so it'll make your h uncomfortable as it is. Do NOT buy him anything. I mean, it's just MHO but I can't see it. What's your goal? If you had little girls, you could help them make him a card but that's the most I could see. Even that would probably look like pursuing.

I get the impression that what you are really doing is trying to find a successful tactic in pursuit of your h. But that is not what DBing is about. At least I don't think it is. It's about your own growth, and moving on, and being valued and valuable and loving and loveable, all without NEEDING HIM to want YOU.

I'd also make fun plans for that night, with your friends and spend NO TIME worrying/thinking of your h.

Oh btw, Good for you on your holiday. I understand your mixed feelings about his absence. Though you miss him, when he's not there, There is a lot to say for having less tension and expectation and dashed hopes...You can miss them, but not miss the pain they're causing. And that pain is something that only YOU can stop. Really. You have more control over how you feel, than you realize.

Can you do the "Stop Sign VIsualization" technique when thoughts of your h with OW or just gone, come into your head? You must stop the negative circling around in the head, and take the exit ramp off the highway of anxiety. (Geez, I'm into metaphors tonight...sorry)

Seriously, do whatever it takes to stop the worrying/obsessing. It is helping no one and I really truly am certain it is slowing your progress. It may also be slowing or lessening the chances of reconciling, I don't know about that, but I DO KNOW it is not helping.

Remember what you're modeling for your children, and GAL. Teach them how to do it. They're watching you more than you think.
j-